I’m just saying Old People die sometimes…

5 08 2008

I’m just saying Old People die sometimes…

I’m not saying I kill them, but they do.

One of the biggest problems facing this country is our obsession with dying – or NOT Dying to be more specific. People spend crazy amounts of  money to not die. But, I’ve got news people – Everybody dies. That’s just how it works.

I’m not saying I want to die, or that people should kill themselves. I’m really saying, if everybody in the world who came before us eventually died, and we’re not REALLY convinced that’s about to stop what the crap is all this complaining about.

If ghost eat, it can't be that bad in the afterlife.

If ghost eat, it can't be that bad in the afterlife.

I’ve never seen a ghost, I don’t believe in them. But, I know people I trust who say they’ve seen ghost (yes, mostly White People).  When they tell of ghosts, the dead person always seems  unconcerned about complaining about being what it’s like being dead. Apparently, the afterlife is the kind of place where X-people complain a lot about: how they got killed and how they want to get back to being alive.  However, no one has ever met a rational thoughtful ghost that argued the pro & cons of the afterlife.

There is something far more disturbing than dying that we all seem to be overlooking – Pain.  When I go to the movies and I see things like Hostel and The Strangers I immediately think to myself “now that’s scary.” Because, of course I don’t want to die, but I’m more committed to avoiding almost dying and arriving at just really hurt. Just like, I don’t want you to kick me in the privates, break-up with me on my wedding day, and I REALLY REALLY don’t want you to almost chop my head off.

– Mister Joe Jones





If You Vote for Obama, You Might (STILL) be a Redneck

24 06 2008

If You Vote for Obama, You Might (STILL) be a Redneck!

In the last few weeks, I have noticed an interesting new phenomenon. On a regular basis, white people will announce to me that they are voting for Barack Obama – without any provocation. They just walk up out of the blue and comment how excited they are “for this moment in history” or mention how something (usually gas prices) “will be different once Obama’s in office.”

It started out a few months back with 40ish-year-old white women. The first few times it happened I thought these women were hitting on me. Then, a few weeks later, various 20-something white guys joined the “hey man, I’m really excited about the Obama campaign” random comment committee. But the greatest moment came just a couple of weeks ago during the North Carolina Primaries while I was standing in line at Walmart. A fifty-year-old white man wreaking of cigarettes and castor oil, wearing paint spattered overalls, and doing little to cover his literally RED neck, asked me if I voted, winked, and pointed to his “I voted” sticker.

Overlooking people’s general assumption that I am voting for Obama just because I’m black – because let’s be honest that’s probably a fair assumption – I cannot tell you how humorous I find this phenomenon.

White people of America, I would very much like to clarify two important pieces of information.

One: Barack Obama is not MLK, Jesus, or even Chuck Norris for that matter.

He did not give the I have a dream speech; he cannot walk on water; and he is not currently suing NBC, claiming that Law and Order are trademarked names for his right and left legs.

Two: If we keep treating Barack Obama this way, we may actually unintentionally provoke the actual Chuck Norris – a man who doesn’t go hunting, he goes killing.

Be careful people – Chuck is watchin’.

-Mister Joe Jones








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