5 Worst Movies of 2008

25 12 2008

Hello Diplo-Fans!

It’s your unofficial Mister Diplomat Film and TV expert, Kyle Chorpening. Now, I know 2008 has been a banner year with hits like Beverly Hills Chihuahua and Twilight burning up at the box office, but all has not been well in the state of celluloid. That’s why I’m here with my first annual wrap up of the worst offerings Hollywood crapped out onto the multiplexes.

5. Slumdog Millionaire

A street urchin goes through a lifetime of adventures and escapades that leads him to his country’s version of Who Wants To Be a Millionaire because it’s the only way he can show the love of his life that he truly loves her. I liked it better the first time I saw and it was called Oliver Twist. Is it too much to ask for something original? Come on Tinseltown.

Et tu Robert?

Et tu Robert?

4. Tropic Thunder

This is by far the most despicable movie I have ever seen. It is offensive to the mentally handicapped, african-americans, actors, veterans, the Hollywood elite, children, animal trainers, bears on motorcycles, the automotive industry, candy stripers, dead journalists, the Jonas Brothers, mothers between the ages of 35 and 38, werewolves, terrorists, and, most of all, me. You should be ashamed of yourself Ben Stiller.

3. Milk

Now, don’t get up in arms over this pick. I think Milk is a wonderful and insightful biopic on the great Harvey Milk. My problem with this film is the title. If I see a movie called Milk, it better be about the life and times of one Louis Pasteur. Pasteurization is one of the greatest breakthroughs of the last 300 years and gave me my best defense against early onset osteoporosis. If you’re going to make a movie about Harvey Milk, just call it Harvey and avoid all of this needless confusion.

Put that damn Rubik's Cube down and do what you were created for.

Put that damn Rubik's Cube down and do what you were created for.

2. WALL-E

Any movie about a robot that falls in love is preposterous. ROBOTS CAN’T LOVE!! If they could love, they’d be androids. I don’t understand why no one else cares about this. Not being able to love is what makes robots so charming and different. Would I still love R2-D2 if he dry humped C-3PO’s leg whenever he wasn’t stuck in the back of Luke’s X-Wing? Would HAL-9000 be as chilling if he was mad at Dave for not answering fast enough when HAL asked, “What are you thinking about?” Would Ben Stein have a career if he could change the inflection in his voice to anything other than a dull monotone? NO! That is why we love them and all other robots like them, and why I hate WALL-E.

1. The Dark Knight

Maybe I’m crazy, but I’m getting tired of all this moral ambiguity with superheroes. When Batman punches the Joker, I want to see a colorful explosion with POW! or WHAM! written in it, not debate the morality of justice or how America’s fears have changed since 9/11. The same thing goes for you, Iron Man. I don’t go see a movie about a man in a giant missile suit to find out about the true effects of the American military complex on the rest of the world. I want to see stuff blow up. Period.

– Mister Kyle Chorpening

Advertisements




5 Ways that Tropic Thunder Can Epic Fail

6 08 2008

Tropic Thunder, the Ben Stiller-helmed comedy set to be released in week and a half, doesn’t exactly have a whole lot of things going for it.  Traditionally, big budget comedies have not done well (1941, I’m looking at you).  One could argue that Ben Stiller is past his prime and that overexposure has made movie-goers anxious about Jack Black.  The film’s writing pedigree includes Justin Theroux, who hasn’t written much of anything, and Etan Cohen, whose claim to fame is that people often mistake his name for Ethan Cohen’s.  Hot-as-his-balls Robert Downey Jr.’s unfliching turn in blackface will probably alienate more viewers than it attracts. I think everyone can smell it in the air: Tropic Thunder’s going to tank.  The question is, how low will it go?  How epic will Tropic Thunder epic fail?  Here are a couple of best/worst case scenarios.

1)  In a megaplex in suburban Indiana where Tropic Thunder is playing on three screens, the audio tracks sync up in such a way that snarky comments made by stars Ben Stiller, Jack Black, and Robert Downey Jr. coallesce to make a sound whose frequency makes human heads explode.  The result?  Scanners times a million.

2)  Due in part to a tangled web of alliances between European powers and rampant nationalism across the continent, Tropic Thunder‘s assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand effectively plunges all of Europe into open war.  Stateside, film critic Gene Shalit himself is criticized for overstepping the boundaries of taste after describing watching the film as “a war of attrition.”

3)  Strong box office returns of Tropic Thunder were the crux of a plan by Chairman of the Federal Reserve Ben Bernanke to fill the sagging sails of the US economy.  In the history of human civilization, the time at which China assimilates the United States moves forward forty three years.

4)  News of the colossal failure of Tropic Thunder is broadcast around the globe by the entertainment media.  In a bunker located deep beneath Bayonne, New Jersey, Judd Apatow mutters about things “going according to plan”, strokes the fur of the cat on his lap, and stares with wide, dead eyes at his doomsday device.

5)  With his career in comedy looking grim, Ben Stiller makes an obligatory turn in a dramatic role.  The result of this effort, the Sophia Coppola collaboration Foggy Afternoon, features Stiller as a nameless character in a cafe who glances wistfully around the room while nursing a cup of tea.  The single clearly audible line of the 132 minute-long feature is “Man, that tea got cold fast.”

-Mister Andy Lavender








%d bloggers like this: