5 Worst Movies of 2008

25 12 2008

Hello Diplo-Fans!

It’s your unofficial Mister Diplomat Film and TV expert, Kyle Chorpening. Now, I know 2008 has been a banner year with hits like Beverly Hills Chihuahua and Twilight burning up at the box office, but all has not been well in the state of celluloid. That’s why I’m here with my first annual wrap up of the worst offerings Hollywood crapped out onto the multiplexes.

5. Slumdog Millionaire

A street urchin goes through a lifetime of adventures and escapades that leads him to his country’s version of Who Wants To Be a Millionaire because it’s the only way he can show the love of his life that he truly loves her. I liked it better the first time I saw and it was called Oliver Twist. Is it too much to ask for something original? Come on Tinseltown.

Et tu Robert?

Et tu Robert?

4. Tropic Thunder

This is by far the most despicable movie I have ever seen. It is offensive to the mentally handicapped, african-americans, actors, veterans, the Hollywood elite, children, animal trainers, bears on motorcycles, the automotive industry, candy stripers, dead journalists, the Jonas Brothers, mothers between the ages of 35 and 38, werewolves, terrorists, and, most of all, me. You should be ashamed of yourself Ben Stiller.

3. Milk

Now, don’t get up in arms over this pick. I think Milk is a wonderful and insightful biopic on the great Harvey Milk. My problem with this film is the title. If I see a movie called Milk, it better be about the life and times of one Louis Pasteur. Pasteurization is one of the greatest breakthroughs of the last 300 years and gave me my best defense against early onset osteoporosis. If you’re going to make a movie about Harvey Milk, just call it Harvey and avoid all of this needless confusion.

Put that damn Rubik's Cube down and do what you were created for.

Put that damn Rubik's Cube down and do what you were created for.

2. WALL-E

Any movie about a robot that falls in love is preposterous. ROBOTS CAN’T LOVE!! If they could love, they’d be androids. I don’t understand why no one else cares about this. Not being able to love is what makes robots so charming and different. Would I still love R2-D2 if he dry humped C-3PO’s leg whenever he wasn’t stuck in the back of Luke’s X-Wing? Would HAL-9000 be as chilling if he was mad at Dave for not answering fast enough when HAL asked, “What are you thinking about?” Would Ben Stein have a career if he could change the inflection in his voice to anything other than a dull monotone? NO! That is why we love them and all other robots like them, and why I hate WALL-E.

1. The Dark Knight

Maybe I’m crazy, but I’m getting tired of all this moral ambiguity with superheroes. When Batman punches the Joker, I want to see a colorful explosion with POW! or WHAM! written in it, not debate the morality of justice or how America’s fears have changed since 9/11. The same thing goes for you, Iron Man. I don’t go see a movie about a man in a giant missile suit to find out about the true effects of the American military complex on the rest of the world. I want to see stuff blow up. Period.

– Mister Kyle Chorpening

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Matt “Mutt” Anderson (Bully, Age 9) Reviews The Dark Knight

23 07 2008

A student in Mrs. Jarvis’s fourth grade class, Matt “Mutt” Anderson was assigned to write a one-page essay on the characters in the Newbery Medal-winning novel The Giver.  However, this Monday Matt instead turned in a three-paragraph personal exploration of his feelings towards the recently released The Dark Knight.

Firstly, lines suck.  They suck harder than that gayfer Thomas that used to sit in front of me in school.  Man, what a gayfer.  He’s so gay I bet he likes to wait in lines while smelling like farts and looking like a tard.  And when he gets to the front to line he says, “Oh goody!  Now I can see Mama Mia!”  Abba is for kids who got dropped on their heads as babies.

Secondly, Batman Begins was gay.  If Batman kicks so much ass, why is the bad guy in the movie Qui-Gon Jinn, aka some gay-ass vegetarian with a shitty mustache.  If I was Batman, I’d be all “Hey, asslicker!  Look behind you!  There’s a big ass for you to lick!”  And then he’d turn around, with his tongue flapping around and drool everywhere.  And then I’d shoot him.  With a gun.

Thirdly, The Dark Knight was cool.  But I almost didn’t see it.  My mom said that this gayfer Ebert said that it was not good for kids, and then she started crying, which is something that she does after she says dumb stuff.  So I was all like, “Hey, woman!  I cut my teacher, and she weighs more than you!”  And then she cried even harder and drank a glass of Jack Daniels, but she took me to the theater after like twenty minutes.  The Joker was funny.  The guy that sat in front of me during the movie was so gay.  He was all, “Would you keep it down please?”  And I was all, “Hey, dicksucker!  Turn around!  There’s a big dick for you to suck!”  And then turned around with mouth all open and stuff.  And then I shot him.  With a gun.

-Mister Andy Lavender








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