NCAA, The Snuggie picks Duke?

24 03 2009

I’ve talked about it before, but it needs to be put to bed. Literally. 

The Snuggie. I have come to terms with the fact that my dreams of the Snuggie hybrid are not going to be realized: The Snuggie made entirely out of ShamWows. Yes, The ShamWomForter. I know that my dream innovation might not be “cost effective” but something last week made me question the entire Blanket-Robe Industry. I went to Target and saw a Snuggie on the shelf. Who decided it was ready for retail? I guess the American public. But where was the online vote for Royal Blue as the color to achieve mass production?

I guarantee you Barack Obama doesn't have a Duke Blue Snuggie. Roy either.

I blog from deep inside Tar Heel country. And we’re in the middle of the NCAA Tournament. A contest where our own President Obama has picked the Tar Heels to win it all. Now, I’m not exactly saying a Carolina Blue Snuggie would be worn with pride (or even purchased in the first place), but no God-fearing Basketball fan in Chapel Hill would even think to purchase a Duke Blue Snuggie. And would a Blue Devil even think to purchase a $20 blanket with sleeves? I don’t think so.

I think The Snuggie has knowingly moved to subvert my 2009 NCAA brackets simply by entering the retail market. By creating a more relaxed Tournament viewing atmosphere — I mean, who can truly support the game of basketball from inside a sleeved-blanket? Nobody. The Snuggie has started THE END OF DAYS.

Call up Arnold Schwarzenegger (click to follow the Terminator on Twitter) and let’s start to fight back. In fact, I think The Snuggie might be preparing the Human populace for the uprising of Skynet. Imagine that Skynet turns to strike, Imagine The Snuggie turns to cocoon its victim, You! It could happen. Ok, maybe too far.

Anyway… Go Heels! Good luck Carolina. And good luck America.

– Mister Zach Ward

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Snuggie? Blanket with Sleeves!

13 01 2009

Blankets are okay, but they can slip and slide. Snuggie™ is made with super soft, thick, luxurious fleece with roomy, oversized sleeves that let you do what you want while still being totally wrapped in warmth. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about. Snuggie™ was one of the best selling infomercial products of the 2008/2009 holiday season.

It a blanket… A blanket… with oversized sleeves!

slanket

But the best part, Snuggie™ ripped off a similar fleece blanket product with oversized sleeves, called, you guessed it, The Slanket. Ridiculous.

jedi-slanket-snuggie

What the fuck? It’s like the dark side took control of the Senate. It’s like Jar Jar Binks wasn’t the only thing that got away from George Lucas. I can’t decide if that’s Obi Wan in a Slanket or Snuggie™ and if that’s a light saber or a FREE book light, which would make it a Snuggie™.

Snuggie™ or Slanket, whatever you want to call it, It’s a fucking robe. A robe. A robe that, for some reason, made it on the Forbes list as retail’s Next Big Thing. And The Slanket has Sold Out on QVC, Amazon, and it’s own website.

I know, I know.

But that’s okay. I don’t want a Snuggie™ or Slanket. I’m not even slightly interested in purchasing your backward robe until they go a little farther with robe technology. I don’t want a lame-ass book light. I don’t want a USB powered accessory belt. I don’t want Slanket-mini for the kids, a Snuggie™-shuffle made specifically for parapalegics (who needs the oversized sleeves when all you’re doing is shuffling under the blanket part? Too far? Maybe.) Anyway… I don’t want any of those things.

shamwow-snuggie-slanketI want a Snuggie™ that I can put on and *instantly* lose water weight. You could step out of the shower wet, put on your robe. AND BE DRY. I want a Slanket made entirely out of ShamWows. Who’s with me? Maybe I can convince my mom to make a prototype, my brother to lend me $15K, and sell 100,000 ShamWomForters® for $75 each before the open market takes over.

ps: my good friend and standup comic John Betz, Jr. saw Twilight, as part of a bargain, but he REALLY liked it.

– Mister Zach Ward








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