Guest post from Comedian and former Diplomat Greg Brainos
As a male, I’m privy to certain pieces of information entrusted to me by the bonds of gender. I know how to fix a leaky faucet (I just don’t want to do it, Debra). I know it was that bitch Jackie that snitched you out to Social Services when you took your 4-year-old to see My Bloody Valentine 3D. I know how to gut a fish, replace those guts with a mechanical frame, and mount the fish on the wall so when someone walks by it, they are serenaded with “Moon River” — FROM THE MOUTH OF A FISH.
Oh, and I know exactly how attractive you are in the eyes of every man.
If that man is drunk.
The Drunk Guy’s Rating Scale For Attractive Women was developed by Plato in 399 B.C., as a method of quantifying the attractiveness of a woman being viewed through the eyes of an intoxicated man. Plato’s scale included only two category labels, “Fuck no!” and “Fuck yes!”
In 370 B.C., Plato’s student, Aristotle, further developed and expanded the scale to include the five category labels that lushed-up, horny males still use today.
1. “Fuck no!”
Even though you probably have a “great personality.”
Examples: Camryn Manheim, Mo’Nique, the corpse of Jessica Tandy
2. “I’d hit that.”
Congratulations! You are officially attractive enough for some inebriated stranger to sink his Baby Jessica into your well, but don’t expect cab fare.
Examples: Linda Cohn, that pregnant girl from work
3. “I wouldn’t kick that out of bed.”
You, milady, are entitled to a good night’s rest — right after you finish making that sandwich.
Examples: Tina Fey, Laura Ingles Wilder, Sheryl Crow
4. “I’d fuck the shit out of her!”
This is where the attractiveness starts to pay off, in dick dollars. Not only have you transcended the objectification of being a “that,” you’re also getting a free colon-cleansing. That’s called movin’ on up, Jefferson-style!
Examples: Kate Beckinsale, Emmanuelle Chriqui, Kim Possible
5. “I’d fuck her in half!”
You are so goddamn beautiful that you’re about to get first-degree murdered by some drunk guy’s sword-cock (first-degree, because he’s obviously planned this; murder, because your body is in two separate parts). Movie trivia fact — on the unrated Breakfast At Tiffany’s DVD, Holly Golightly gets fucked in half in one of the alternate endings.
Examples: Erin Andrews, Faith Hill, Monica Bellucci, Stacy’s Mom
Catch Greg on stage THIS WEEK during the NC Comedy Arts Festival.