Alaska Governor < Chapel Hill Mayor

9 07 2009

Sarah Palin, Former VP Hopeful now the Former Governor of Alaska.

“It’s not retreating. It’s advancing. In a different direction.” Yeah, that’s right. Didn’t you know that? Man, some Elected Officials even have themselves fooled. But apparently not even Alaskans care anymore, I mean, Sarah Palin made her resignation speech to a total of 4 people (and a duck).

Huffington Post writer David Stemler explains, “Watching Sarah Palin’s press conference on Friday was like watching a drunk seal trying to land a plane.” He offers a less painful minute-long edit of her speech (link)

But, after the official announcement last month that Chapel Hill Mayor Kevin Foy would not run for re-election, Sarah Palin has carpet-bagged her way down to North Carolina to throw her hat out onto the metaphorical basketball court which is local politics. DSI Witness News ran an exclusive Tuesday July 7th on News Talk 1360.

Sarah Palin runs for Mayor of Chapel Hill, North Carolina (mp3)

In her own words, Chapel Hill has “Special Needs” And. She. Has. Experience.

Enjoy.

– Mister Zach Ward

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Let’s Make “Palin’ the McCain” a Euphemism!

10 09 2008

Was I the only person who noticed that Palin, as in brave new leader Sarah Palin, sounds like a present participle (running, talking, killing, etc.)?  Well gang, I have an idea!  Let’s make “Palin’ the McCain” a euphemism!

Wouldn’t that be fun?!  Not following me?  How about I give a series of examples, each with usage and appropriate context:

Getting high:

“Alright, Danny Bonaduce, we’re finally taking the time to sit you down for an intervention.  Your substance abuse is clearly out of control!”

“Hey, look at his eyes!”

“Oh my God!  He was Palin’ the McCain in the car on the way over here!”

Masturbation:

“Honey, what’s wrong?”

“I walked in on Billy in the bathroom, and he was. . . he was. . .”

“What is it, honey?”

“HE WAS PALIN’ THE MCCAIN!

Fellatio:

“How was your date last night, bro?”

“It was awesome, dude!  This girl was nuts!  She was all over me!  But she drew the line at Palin’ the McCain.”

“Aw, bummer!”

It’s as easy as that!  We can totally make “Palin’ the McCain” an awesome euphemism!

-Mister Andy Lavender





Sarah Palin’s FULL HOUSE

7 09 2008

Ever since John McCain announced self-pronounced “hockey mom” Sarah Palin to be his Vice Presidential running mate I’ve heard rumblings on the interweb and general dissent on shouty MSNBC shows claiming that she’s unqualified for the job because as a “hockey mom” she should be taking care of her family. She does have a large family, but rather than criticize Governor Palin for this we could celebrate this fact. The White House is a big place. If there’s room for 35 bathrooms, there’s certainly room for her children Track, Trig, Briston, Piper, and Willow too. With such a FULL HOUSE they could make a sit-com about it. Hmmm…..

– Mister John Reitz





McCain Should Have Gone with Holly Faris, the Hillary Clinton Experience

3 09 2008

Senator McCain, your VP choice of Sarah Palin is a means for your campaign to reach out to women who strongly supported Hillary Clinton’s presidential nomination bid but now feel disenfranchised after her loss.  But, Senator McCain, I don’t understand why you’re using a Clinton surrogate when you could’ve gone for the real thing: Holly Faris, the Hillary Clinton Experience.

Now there’s a stand-in that’ll make you squint to see the difference!  Senator McCain, for a reasonable rate Hillary Clinton, I mean Holly Faris (how can anybody tell those two apart?!), will really liven up your corporate event, holiday party, Bar/Bat Mitzah, or presidential campaign.  And let’s see Biden beat this in the debates:

And the American people will get behind the ticket!  Who would not want to have the person next-in-line to the most powerful position in the world to have also rocked Aruba with a killer Tina Turner impersonation!

That’s what this election needs, Senator McCain: a little blackface.

-Mister Andy Lavender








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