Letter to Santa, PLEASE watch the carpet

23 12 2009

Guest post from Comedian and former Diplomat Greg Brainos

A LETTER TO SANTA FROM A CONCERNED HOMEMAKER

Dear Santa,

I just wanted to make you aware that, for the seventh year in a row, the key to our house will be under the front door’s welcome mat, so it will be unnecessary for you to keep entering our residence via chimney.  It’s certainly an impressive feat, but you have nothing left to prove to us.  Especially when the result of that accomplishment is you mashing soot all over the beige carpet.  I beg of you, just use the spare key.  It’s not traditional, I know, but tradition ends where my new carpet begins.

Also, please stop bringing my children puppies for Christmas.  They’re allergic, so when we take the puppies to the animal shelter, I can’t tell if my kids are crying as a result of an allergic reaction or because their tiny hearts have been shattered into even tinier pieces.

Once you are finished placing presents underneath the tree, feel free to sit at the kitchen table and enjoy a plate of homemade chocolate chip cookies and a glass of milk.  Should you eat all the cookies, please do not start rummaging through our cupboards; it’s noisy and rude.  I’m sure the next house will be gracious enough to provide some form of sustenance.

Lastly, you should not, under ANY circumstances, use our bathroom facilities.  Not for number one, not for number two, and especially not to “release some tension.”

Respectfully yours,

Anne Marie Hollingsworth

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4 Hilarious High Holiday Clips

27 12 2008

Mister John Reitz spent the day after Christmas at my apartment editing tapes. While drinking Egg Nog, talking about girls and debating alternative uses for mistletoe (Cancer, really?), he and I found some appropriate High Holiday-themed clips. No, not from THE High Holiday —that’s Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur— or even Hanukkah, but clips that could quickly become Christmas Classics if the audience were all HIGH.

I’m going to order the clips from Most to Least religious.

The last one is certainly the least Holiday-themed, but could be argued more religious because it does include reference to The Ark of the Covenant. Three of the four clips feature good friends and Diplomat guest performers Josh Cohen and Tamra Malaga from The Josh & Tamra Show. Let’s begin.

1. What Would Jesus Mash – Lumpy potatoes are not Christian!

 

2. Demon Bird Wants Baby Santa – Demon Bird has a minion. CAR = Time Machine. Special Effects. Baby Santa’s beard tickles Mrs. Claus during childbirth.

 

3. Go Frosty Go! – Let us imagine a Snowman streaking.

 

4. 15″ Flat Screen OR Indiana Jones – two police officers with different priorities, a casual approach to law enforcement, and a mild interest in Blu-ray technology.

We hope you enjoyed the clips. You can find a couple more on Facebook.

 

Mister Zach Ward








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