A World Without Oprah

23 11 2009

In 1984, Oprah Winfrey became the host of a morning talk show that in less than a year became so popular that it was renamed The Oprah Winfrey Show. That means I have never lived in a world without Oprah on TV, but this is about to change. Last Friday Oprah announced that she will be ending the show next season. From a ridiculous interview with Tom Cruise to pulling a Radio Flyer wagon full of 67 pounds of fat that she lost, who knew a woman with misspelled Bible character’s name could go so far. Even worse, with Oprah not giving away cars, boosting book sales or starting new television shows, we may just fall back into a recession. But don’t fret middle aged housewives, there is some silver lining to this daytime storm cloud. Perhaps Chicagoans who used to devote their time to Oprah will now leave their homes and go see some great improv. And now maybe now she’ll finally have time to take us up on our Diplomat guest offer.

Mister Harrison Brookie


Save our Smut

19 01 2009

Our nation’s most beloved industry needs help!

Im with you Larry

I'm with you Larry

Larry Flynt and Girls Gone Wild mastermind Joe Francis have officially petitioned Congress for a $5 billion bailout to save the adult entertainment industry. To this, I say, “What took so long?” For months, I’ve seen an endless parade of CEOs for banks and car makers and investment firms and dairy plants and ice cream stores and who knows what else whining to the Senate about how they “need a bailout” and the economy “can’t support them”. Finally, an important industry is sucking up their pride (BOOM!) and asking Congress for the money they so desperately need to stay afloat and I applaud them for it.

I’ve been against all these bailouts from the get go, but now, I’ve found a cause to champion for. Banks and car companies have been given billions of dollars to do what? I sure as hell don’t know. But if the adult film industry gets $5 billion, I know exactly where that’s going. It’s going to pay for people to have sex in front of a camera. It’s going to pay for the boom microphone operator who moonlights as a night watchman in a parking garage. It’s going to pay for the editor who stays up until 4 or 5 in the morning splicing together footage of 18-year-olds making mistakes that will live with them for the rest of their lives.

Does she know about Bustyz, Alan?

Does she know about Bustyz, Alan?

Plus, is there anything we need more in these times of turmoil and uncertainty than porn? NO! If anything, we need more. Why do you think bankers were jumping off of skyscrapers and throwing themselves into traffic during the Great Depression? They didn’t have a regular outlet for sexual frustrations and needs. That coupled with a horrible economy is a textbook cause for ending it all. The first thing I do when I see the DOW drop 700 points is pull out my latest Hustler and work out my feelings. The only reason Alan Greenspan is still alive and breathing is his subscription to Bustyz.com.

Please, Congress. Save these proud men and women. In these trying times, a little bit of charity can do a world of difference. Also, think about what this will do for your image. Any potential Larry Craigs can mask any toe-tapping inproprieties by putting their name on this bill early and often. Think it over. For the children.

– Mister Kyle Chorpening

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