FOUND: Single Use Bathroom Reading

9 11 2010

On a recent rip to NYC, La Guardia offered the very best in Single Use Bathroom Reading. YES! Every stall came with its own Penthouse.

Okay, Not really. Only this one stall. And I NEEDED to get a picture. When I leaned in (READ: Not too close) to get the shot the Airport Bathroom Attendant leaned around the corner, laughed and exclaimed for all to hear — in the most hilarious broken english — “You hit that! … The jackpot, Eh!” I walked away and felt funny for multiple reasons when he gave me that Attaboy slap on the shoulder.

What’s the weirdest THING you’ve ever FOUND in the bathroom?

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Dear Porn Sites,

5 02 2009

Hi, my name is Andy.  I just wanted to address something before it becomes an issue between us.  I’m sure that you’ve noticed that whenever I visit I input a different birthdate for age verification.  Sometimes I was born in 1911, sometimes in 1983, sometimes in 1952.  But regardless of the date, I was always born on January 1st.  It may seem as though I’m just randomly picking any year before 1991 (18 years ago), not even bothering to enter in an exact date.  Let me assure you that this is not the case.  That would make me a liar.

You see, Porn Sites, I am a magical being.  I am a satyr.  Please visit the Wikipedia page about my kind.

Yes, I have goat legs.  I never wear shorts for this reason.  Yes, I have uncontrollable erections and an unsatiable lust for women.  And yes, I have control over my birthdate.  I can change it on a whim.  That’s not on the Wikipedia page, but whatever.

Wow, I’m glad that’s off my human-esque chest.  I hope this change anything between us, Porn Sites.  I stress again that I have uncontrollable erections.

Sincerely,

Andy “Goat Legs” Lavender





Save our Smut

19 01 2009

Our nation’s most beloved industry needs help!

Im with you Larry

I'm with you Larry

Larry Flynt and Girls Gone Wild mastermind Joe Francis have officially petitioned Congress for a $5 billion bailout to save the adult entertainment industry. To this, I say, “What took so long?” For months, I’ve seen an endless parade of CEOs for banks and car makers and investment firms and dairy plants and ice cream stores and who knows what else whining to the Senate about how they “need a bailout” and the economy “can’t support them”. Finally, an important industry is sucking up their pride (BOOM!) and asking Congress for the money they so desperately need to stay afloat and I applaud them for it.

I’ve been against all these bailouts from the get go, but now, I’ve found a cause to champion for. Banks and car companies have been given billions of dollars to do what? I sure as hell don’t know. But if the adult film industry gets $5 billion, I know exactly where that’s going. It’s going to pay for people to have sex in front of a camera. It’s going to pay for the boom microphone operator who moonlights as a night watchman in a parking garage. It’s going to pay for the editor who stays up until 4 or 5 in the morning splicing together footage of 18-year-olds making mistakes that will live with them for the rest of their lives.

Does she know about Bustyz, Alan?

Does she know about Bustyz, Alan?

Plus, is there anything we need more in these times of turmoil and uncertainty than porn? NO! If anything, we need more. Why do you think bankers were jumping off of skyscrapers and throwing themselves into traffic during the Great Depression? They didn’t have a regular outlet for sexual frustrations and needs. That coupled with a horrible economy is a textbook cause for ending it all. The first thing I do when I see the DOW drop 700 points is pull out my latest Hustler and work out my feelings. The only reason Alan Greenspan is still alive and breathing is his subscription to Bustyz.com.

Please, Congress. Save these proud men and women. In these trying times, a little bit of charity can do a world of difference. Also, think about what this will do for your image. Any potential Larry Craigs can mask any toe-tapping inproprieties by putting their name on this bill early and often. Think it over. For the children.

– Mister Kyle Chorpening








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