Sarah Palin’s FULL HOUSE

7 09 2008

Ever since John McCain announced self-pronounced “hockey mom” Sarah Palin to be his Vice Presidential running mate I’ve heard rumblings on the interweb and general dissent on shouty MSNBC shows claiming that she’s unqualified for the job because as a “hockey mom” she should be taking care of her family. She does have a large family, but rather than criticize Governor Palin for this we could celebrate this fact. The White House is a big place. If there’s room for 35 bathrooms, there’s certainly room for her children Track, Trig, Briston, Piper, and Willow too. With such a FULL HOUSE they could make a sit-com about it. Hmmm…..

– Mister John Reitz


If You Vote for Obama, You Might (STILL) be a Redneck

24 06 2008

If You Vote for Obama, You Might (STILL) be a Redneck!

In the last few weeks, I have noticed an interesting new phenomenon. On a regular basis, white people will announce to me that they are voting for Barack Obama – without any provocation. They just walk up out of the blue and comment how excited they are “for this moment in history” or mention how something (usually gas prices) “will be different once Obama’s in office.”

It started out a few months back with 40ish-year-old white women. The first few times it happened I thought these women were hitting on me. Then, a few weeks later, various 20-something white guys joined the “hey man, I’m really excited about the Obama campaign” random comment committee. But the greatest moment came just a couple of weeks ago during the North Carolina Primaries while I was standing in line at Walmart. A fifty-year-old white man wreaking of cigarettes and castor oil, wearing paint spattered overalls, and doing little to cover his literally RED neck, asked me if I voted, winked, and pointed to his “I voted” sticker.

Overlooking people’s general assumption that I am voting for Obama just because I’m black – because let’s be honest that’s probably a fair assumption – I cannot tell you how humorous I find this phenomenon.

White people of America, I would very much like to clarify two important pieces of information.

One: Barack Obama is not MLK, Jesus, or even Chuck Norris for that matter.

He did not give the I have a dream speech; he cannot walk on water; and he is not currently suing NBC, claiming that Law and Order are trademarked names for his right and left legs.

Two: If we keep treating Barack Obama this way, we may actually unintentionally provoke the actual Chuck Norris – a man who doesn’t go hunting, he goes killing.

Be careful people – Chuck is watchin’.

-Mister Joe Jones

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