Letter to Santa, PLEASE watch the carpet

23 12 2009

Guest post from Comedian and former Diplomat Greg Brainos

A LETTER TO SANTA FROM A CONCERNED HOMEMAKER

Dear Santa,

I just wanted to make you aware that, for the seventh year in a row, the key to our house will be under the front door’s welcome mat, so it will be unnecessary for you to keep entering our residence via chimney.  It’s certainly an impressive feat, but you have nothing left to prove to us.  Especially when the result of that accomplishment is you mashing soot all over the beige carpet.  I beg of you, just use the spare key.  It’s not traditional, I know, but tradition ends where my new carpet begins.

Also, please stop bringing my children puppies for Christmas.  They’re allergic, so when we take the puppies to the animal shelter, I can’t tell if my kids are crying as a result of an allergic reaction or because their tiny hearts have been shattered into even tinier pieces.

Once you are finished placing presents underneath the tree, feel free to sit at the kitchen table and enjoy a plate of homemade chocolate chip cookies and a glass of milk.  Should you eat all the cookies, please do not start rummaging through our cupboards; it’s noisy and rude.  I’m sure the next house will be gracious enough to provide some form of sustenance.

Lastly, you should not, under ANY circumstances, use our bathroom facilities.  Not for number one, not for number two, and especially not to “release some tension.”

Respectfully yours,

Anne Marie Hollingsworth





Let’s Make “Palin’ the McCain” a Euphemism!

10 09 2008

Was I the only person who noticed that Palin, as in brave new leader Sarah Palin, sounds like a present participle (running, talking, killing, etc.)?  Well gang, I have an idea!  Let’s make “Palin’ the McCain” a euphemism!

Wouldn’t that be fun?!  Not following me?  How about I give a series of examples, each with usage and appropriate context:

Getting high:

“Alright, Danny Bonaduce, we’re finally taking the time to sit you down for an intervention.  Your substance abuse is clearly out of control!”

“Hey, look at his eyes!”

“Oh my God!  He was Palin’ the McCain in the car on the way over here!”

Masturbation:

“Honey, what’s wrong?”

“I walked in on Billy in the bathroom, and he was. . . he was. . .”

“What is it, honey?”

“HE WAS PALIN’ THE MCCAIN!

Fellatio:

“How was your date last night, bro?”

“It was awesome, dude!  This girl was nuts!  She was all over me!  But she drew the line at Palin’ the McCain.”

“Aw, bummer!”

It’s as easy as that!  We can totally make “Palin’ the McCain” an awesome euphemism!

-Mister Andy Lavender








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