Catnip Gateway Drug

23 09 2010

A couple weeks ago my girlfriend fed her cat Catnip.

Last night Azygous needed a FIX — I mean, BAD! Really Bad.

But I’m not sure Catnip would be enough. Z wanted Turkey, Ham … Anything but the dry pile of food on the plate in the kitchen. God forbid you open a plastic bag in the other room. Nowhere seems safe. I mean, Look at those eyes.

Now I want to do feline drug experiments. Okay, Maybe not.

Mister Zach Ward

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Catnip Hurts Everyone

31 08 2010

Last night I watched my girlfriend get her cat high. I was AMAZED.

I knew Catnip existed but never saw the effect it had on my feline friends. Until last night. Azygous was tripping, HARD. I mean, cat pupils were dilated; Z lost control of minor motor functions, like WALKING; and, for a minute, seemed to become fascinated with the intricate patterns in the carpet.

Okay, maybe that last part was my own carryover vicarious trip.

Or it may just be the gateway drug for more Catnaps.

ORDER NOW and Enjoy watching your cat during its catnip trip.

1- Catnip buds: The most potent form of catnip. It is the top of the catnip plant.
2- Catnip leaf and flower: A very potent mixture of leaves and flowers.
3- Catnip Stalkless: Kitty safe format, it is a grinded mixture of leaves and flowers.
4- Catnip Pellet: This no mess format is compressed catnip.
5- Catnip in the Ruff: A mulched format of the catnip buds.
6- Catnip essential oil: Extracted from pure potent catnip buds.

— More posts from Mister Zach Ward





I Can Has Proof Read?

18 06 2009

About a month ago The Herald-Sun ran this article on its front page.  Upon reading it, you may say to yourself “Wow, I know times is tough, but a 13% literacy rate?!? That seems unbelievable.” Well, guess what, it is. The first sentence of the article makes it overly clear that the headline should have read “Durham’s basic ILLITERACY rate at 13%.” Turns out only 13% of Durhamites can’t read, not 87%.

I’m guessing at least one of them thinks he works at the Harold-Son.

Okay, we all know that Carrboro is full of yuppies and hipsters, but let’s not forget about another group of nonconformists the town has to offer. That’s right, the emo kids. That’s not the sound of a squirrel on the Weaver Street lawn, it’s an emo kid weeping softly to himself while Bright Eyes pounds through the speakers of his iPod. On this particular night, it looks like local favorite Elmo’s will be serving up burgers, charred black like their soul and served with a side of inner self-loathing.

Fucking yum.

Chapel Hill parking sucks.

However, from the looks of it, good ole Balfour Beatty Construction might be doing everyone a kindly little favor. The mysterious black curtain clues me into the fact that they probably don’t want me to park here, but with a sign expounding ZERO CONSEQUENCES for doing so, this offer might be too good to refuse.

 

Mister John Reitz








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