10 Objections to the Time-Honored Adage “The Best Things in Life Are Free” : 10 FREE things that Suck!
1. Psychic consultations
Because who wants to touch hands that smell like sage, thyme, and curry.
2. Spider Solitaire
Because you want to play Solitaire alone, not with that stupid spider. And you know he’s mocking you with that grin of his.
3. Full episodes of Gossip Girl; CW online
Because you know Serena and Dan can’t be together anymore. Too much has changed between them and you have to accept it. Even though Dan didn’t even sleep with Georgina so you don’t see what Serena is making such a big deal about! They both just need time to heal, and you’re torturing yourself by watching reruns of the good old days when everyone was clownishly wealthy and everything seemed simply magical.
4. The two free cheeseburgers you get after buying three cheeseburgers
Because three is enough sir. Three is enough!
5. The Book of Mormon
Because you’re already using the Bhagavad Gita as a doorstop and you have run out of doors that need stopping.
6. Stuff on this guy‘s website
Because he looks like a Batman villain.
7. Advice from an ex-girlfriend
Because you didn’t listen to her while you were dating, what makes her think you’ll listen to her now.
8. Dirty cocaine
Because unless it’s soiled with Pixy Stix, that shit is scary.
9. Spontaneous James Blunt street concerts
Because, James, if she hasn’t already called you by now, she’s probably not going to. Get off the street and quit stealing space for the midget dressed up like a safety cone.
10. Whatever was under the seats on the day AFTER Oprah gave everyone a car
Because, damn, if you’d just booked your tickets a day earlier you’d have a Pontiac G-6 midsize 2005 sports sedan. But no, you had to stay in bed all day watching rerun episodes of Gossip Girl at the CW online wearing your Mr. Serena van der Woodsen T-shirt bawling your eyes out. Why can’t they just be together?
2 Affirmations of the Time-Honored Adage “The Best Things in Life Are Free” : 2 FREE Awesome things!
1. Chinese food samples
Because there is no better way to honor the great General Tso than with chicken slivers.
Because you love those little Tibetan people. Especially the boy in the tree, even though technically he’s Nepalese.
2. MISTER DIPLOMAT / FRIDAYS At 9:30PM
Because you can’t turn down a show with enough comedy to make you rofflecopter. With a special guest or local celebrity guest each week, Mr.D is a FREE offer you can’t turn down.
– Mister John Reitz