Let’s Make “Palin’ the McCain” a Euphemism!

10 09 2008

Was I the only person who noticed that Palin, as in brave new leader Sarah Palin, sounds like a present participle (running, talking, killing, etc.)?  Well gang, I have an idea!  Let’s make “Palin’ the McCain” a euphemism!

Wouldn’t that be fun?!  Not following me?  How about I give a series of examples, each with usage and appropriate context:

Getting high:

“Alright, Danny Bonaduce, we’re finally taking the time to sit you down for an intervention.  Your substance abuse is clearly out of control!”

“Hey, look at his eyes!”

“Oh my God!  He was Palin’ the McCain in the car on the way over here!”

Masturbation:

“Honey, what’s wrong?”

“I walked in on Billy in the bathroom, and he was. . . he was. . .”

“What is it, honey?”

“HE WAS PALIN’ THE MCCAIN!

Fellatio:

“How was your date last night, bro?”

“It was awesome, dude!  This girl was nuts!  She was all over me!  But she drew the line at Palin’ the McCain.”

“Aw, bummer!”

It’s as easy as that!  We can totally make “Palin’ the McCain” an awesome euphemism!

-Mister Andy Lavender

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Sarah Palin’s FULL HOUSE

7 09 2008

Ever since John McCain announced self-pronounced “hockey mom” Sarah Palin to be his Vice Presidential running mate I’ve heard rumblings on the interweb and general dissent on shouty MSNBC shows claiming that she’s unqualified for the job because as a “hockey mom” she should be taking care of her family. She does have a large family, but rather than criticize Governor Palin for this we could celebrate this fact. The White House is a big place. If there’s room for 35 bathrooms, there’s certainly room for her children Track, Trig, Briston, Piper, and Willow too. With such a FULL HOUSE they could make a sit-com about it. Hmmm…..

– Mister John Reitz





McCain Should Have Gone with Holly Faris, the Hillary Clinton Experience

3 09 2008

Senator McCain, your VP choice of Sarah Palin is a means for your campaign to reach out to women who strongly supported Hillary Clinton’s presidential nomination bid but now feel disenfranchised after her loss.  But, Senator McCain, I don’t understand why you’re using a Clinton surrogate when you could’ve gone for the real thing: Holly Faris, the Hillary Clinton Experience.

Now there’s a stand-in that’ll make you squint to see the difference!  Senator McCain, for a reasonable rate Hillary Clinton, I mean Holly Faris (how can anybody tell those two apart?!), will really liven up your corporate event, holiday party, Bar/Bat Mitzah, or presidential campaign.  And let’s see Biden beat this in the debates:

And the American people will get behind the ticket!  Who would not want to have the person next-in-line to the most powerful position in the world to have also rocked Aruba with a killer Tina Turner impersonation!

That’s what this election needs, Senator McCain: a little blackface.

-Mister Andy Lavender





Diplomat Love: Not My Sister, Response to MoveOn.org Commercial “Not Alex”

19 08 2008

I saw this a while ago, and though its peak of cultural relevance may have passed, I feel I should share; the words of this video have flitted in and out of my brain like a melody over the last few weeks.  First, here is the commercial to which this video is a response.  Note that if you are not familiar with the commercial itself, the video I laud may come off as creepy, and by extension, I would come off as creepy.  And I bet you don’t want to be reading a creepy guy’s blog:

Here’s the video itself:

I want to point out that while I was writing this post, I asked my girlfriend, “Is ‘SISTER WOMBS!!!!’ in all caps and with four exclamation points an acceptable concluding paragraph?”

-Mister Andy Lavender








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