Guest post by the girl with Two Thumbs, Molly Buckley.
IT’S FINALLY SPRING (unless you live in Denver)! Ah, I love spring. Who doesn’t? Single people, that’s who. Well, since the warm weather has finally arrived for us who live below the Mason-Dixon line, it’s time that you became savvy to the warm weather clothing lingo. I, personally, plan on busting all of the following fashions out when I hit the streets this April & May.
Mullet Sold Separately.
1. JORTS: Jean Shorts. You know them, you love them, hipsters and never nudes bathe in them. They are a staple of every man, woman, and child’s wardrobe. Barbeque’s, horseshoe matches, and weekend antiquing would be lost without the stylish addition of JORTS.
2. BJORTS: Black Jean Shorts. Black jeans? Awesome. Jean shorts? Sweet. Black jean shorts? Awesomely sweet.
3. COJORTS: Cut-Off Jean Shorts. Ah, the cut-off jean short. By far one of my favorite items to sport in warm weather. Taking an old pair of those “favorite” jeans, cutting off the shins, and then hitting a farmer’s market always makes for a great Saturday. Oh, and be sure to fray the ends because your COJORTS can always use that extra flare.
4. AWJORTS: Acid Washed Jean Shorts. I love the 80’s. Who didn’t? Scott Baio, that’s who. But he’s neither here nor there. Acid washed jeans are no longer a thing of the past with this reinvented trend. By acid washing YOUR JORTS you’re saying, “I’m proud, confident, and I live a no-fear active lifestyle.”
He's winning with style in baggy black jean shorts.
5. BAGJORTS: These shorts are to the floor with style. The baggy jean short is intended for tall rappers and Protestant thugs. Only to be worn in conjunction with shirts purchased from Bass Pro Shops or DTLR.
6. OJORTS: Overall Jean Shorts. This classic doo-dad is not for the faint of heart. Only the bravest and strongest of fashionistas can sport OJORTS in the right way. Even American Gothic wouldn’t be able to correctly sport the OJORTS. For example, stars like Rihanna, Kid Rock, and Ann Coulter would be able to successfully wear this fashion. Kid Rock with his country-rebel persona, Rihanna with her tough heart, and Ann Coulter with her large feet — all of these qualities are important when sporting OJORTS.
As your unofficial-official-seasonal-fashion-consultant, it is my hope that I have adequately prepared you for hitting the streets this Spring in style. And remember, always walk, chew, and speak with confidence. Let those around you say, “Man, that guy has style AND poise. And WHERE did he/she get his/her shorts?”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go dust off my fashion body suits and jellies.