1. Orphaned children from the 1920s.
Because THEY NEED THEM!
2. Bush’s Secret Service Agents.
Because, deeyam boyz, I know that his approval ratings are hovering around 27% but your reflexes were slower than Christmas. Put down the copy of Twilight that you were reading (I know, it’s really really hard to do) and maybe stop the guy before he has the time to get another shoe off. What if, heaven forbid, the shoes had been…bigger shoes?
3. The Old Woman Who Lived In One.
Because, with the current mortgage crisis, it would probably be taken as a sign of good will. This being the season for giving, who wouldn’t want free house thrown at them?
4. The chorus of little children who sing at the end of NewSong’s “The Christmas Shoes.”
Because they want their mother to look beautiful if she meets Jesus tonight. C’mon! What if Jesus comes and momma’s feet look stank nasty?!? Toss some Nike Dunks over here Rob Lowe.
5. Governor Blagojevich’s hair dresser.
Because his head looks kinda like a pair of untamed, happy, hobbit feet. And Chicago politics are dirtier than the Mines of Moria.
Honorable Mention: Faith the Wonder Dog
Because she’s just like a person and people wear shoes. She’s “a best friend, a guardian angel” and she’s taught one woman to better understand handicapped people. Because handicapped people are just like a dog with two legs. Just. Like. One.