5 People I’d Rather Throw A Shoe At Than President Bush

24 12 2008

1. Orphaned children from the 1920s.

Those feet just begging for some ringworm.

...maybe her.

...maybe her.

2. Bush’s Secret Service Agents.
Because, deeyam boyz, I know that his approval ratings are hovering around 27% but your reflexes were slower than Christmas. Put down the copy of Twilight that you were reading (I know, it’s really really hard to do) and maybe stop the guy before he has the time to get another shoe off. What if, heaven forbid, the shoes had been…bigger shoes?

3. The Old Woman Who Lived In One.
Because, with the current mortgage crisis, it would probably be taken as a sign of good will. This being the season for giving, who wouldn’t want free house thrown at them?

4. The chorus of little children who sing at the end of NewSong’s “The Christmas Shoes.”
Because they want their mother to look beautiful if she meets Jesus tonight. C’mon! What if Jesus comes and momma’s feet look stank nasty?!? Toss some Nike Dunks over here Rob Lowe.

5. Governor Blagojevich’s hair dresser.
Because his head looks kinda like a pair of untamed, happy, hobbit feet. And Chicago politics are dirtier than the Mines of Moria.


Honorable Mention: Faith the Wonder Dog
Because she’s just like a person and people wear shoes. She’s “a best friend, a guardian angel” and she’s taught one woman to better understand handicapped people. Because handicapped people are just like a dog with two legs. Just. Like. One.

– Mister John Reitz


Batman doesn’t scare anyone.

1 07 2008

batgoal Bruce Wayne chose the bat as his symbol because he believed that bats are a universally terrifying symbol. How better to strike terror into the hearts of the criminal underworld than by associating himself with a creature of the night? Now, I’m no criminologist, but I’d wager that, contrary to Mr. Wayne’s opinion, most criminals are in fact, NOT afraid of bats. Bats can be cute. They’re soft like a tiny stuffed animal but one that would pop if you hugged it to tightly.

I can easily think of a few things far more terrifying than tiny mammals whose faces look like Ross Perot with a pug nose. I’d like to suggest some name alterations that could be much more frightening to the modern man:

1. Growing Up To Lead A Mediocre Life Man

2. Committing To A Relationship Man


3. The Whole World Is The Dream of Some Giant Sleeping Creature And When It Wakes We Will All Disappear Man

4. Accidentally Being Racist and Starting-3rd-World-War Man


5. George W. Bush Man — repeat of #4

5. Unplanned Pregnancy Man


Mr.D doesn’t claim to have the names to scare every modern man, but we guarantee you there are things out there in the world that would scare more men more often than bats. You might be asking yourself, what would scare old criminals or female criminals… I asked myself the same question (and have already started to prepare my Top 5).

You can look forward to another post before the end of the month. In the meantime, let me know what would scare you if you were leading a life of crime.

“If you make yourself more than just a man, if you devote yourself to an ideal, and if they can’t stop you, then you become something else entirely. A legend.” A DIPLOMAT


– Mister John Reitz

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