Catnip Gateway Drug

23 09 2010

A couple weeks ago my girlfriend fed her cat Catnip.

Last night Azygous needed a FIX — I mean, BAD! Really Bad.

But I’m not sure Catnip would be enough. Z wanted Turkey, Ham … Anything but the dry pile of food on the plate in the kitchen. God forbid you open a plastic bag in the other room. Nowhere seems safe. I mean, Look at those eyes.

Now I want to do feline drug experiments. Okay, Maybe not.

Mister Zach Ward

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Catnip Hurts Everyone

31 08 2010

Last night I watched my girlfriend get her cat high. I was AMAZED.

I knew Catnip existed but never saw the effect it had on my feline friends. Until last night. Azygous was tripping, HARD. I mean, cat pupils were dilated; Z lost control of minor motor functions, like WALKING; and, for a minute, seemed to become fascinated with the intricate patterns in the carpet.

Okay, maybe that last part was my own carryover vicarious trip.

Or it may just be the gateway drug for more Catnaps.

ORDER NOW and Enjoy watching your cat during its catnip trip.

1- Catnip buds: The most potent form of catnip. It is the top of the catnip plant.
2- Catnip leaf and flower: A very potent mixture of leaves and flowers.
3- Catnip Stalkless: Kitty safe format, it is a grinded mixture of leaves and flowers.
4- Catnip Pellet: This no mess format is compressed catnip.
5- Catnip in the Ruff: A mulched format of the catnip buds.
6- Catnip essential oil: Extracted from pure potent catnip buds.

— More posts from Mister Zach Ward





David After the Dentist REMIX

6 02 2009

Is this REAL life? Sounds like my college years.

I would like to admit to and/or officially claim responsibility for at least 100 of the 3 MILLION views this David After the Dentist has received on YouTube and probably that many on Facebook. I can’t help it. It speaks to me. 

“Kinda felt good. Didn’t it?” Sounds like the perfect line from that Dad, you know, the type of father who would sit back and watch the horror of what was clearly an incredibly bad trip. “Why’s this happening to me?!”

My first time on both acid and ecstasy, Halloween 1998 (when my arm was twisted by a college friend to candy flip — because you know, it was HALLOWEEN) I asked myself the same question that kid asks his Dad: “Is this going to be forever?”

It wasn’t and It didn’t.

But this REMIX could. And the world would be happy … FOREVER!

 

Oh yeah, don’t do drugs.

– Mister Zach Ward





Let’s Make “Palin’ the McCain” a Euphemism!

10 09 2008

Was I the only person who noticed that Palin, as in brave new leader Sarah Palin, sounds like a present participle (running, talking, killing, etc.)?  Well gang, I have an idea!  Let’s make “Palin’ the McCain” a euphemism!

Wouldn’t that be fun?!  Not following me?  How about I give a series of examples, each with usage and appropriate context:

Getting high:

“Alright, Danny Bonaduce, we’re finally taking the time to sit you down for an intervention.  Your substance abuse is clearly out of control!”

“Hey, look at his eyes!”

“Oh my God!  He was Palin’ the McCain in the car on the way over here!”

Masturbation:

“Honey, what’s wrong?”

“I walked in on Billy in the bathroom, and he was. . . he was. . .”

“What is it, honey?”

“HE WAS PALIN’ THE MCCAIN!

Fellatio:

“How was your date last night, bro?”

“It was awesome, dude!  This girl was nuts!  She was all over me!  But she drew the line at Palin’ the McCain.”

“Aw, bummer!”

It’s as easy as that!  We can totally make “Palin’ the McCain” an awesome euphemism!

-Mister Andy Lavender





5 High School Misconceptions

16 07 2008

I think we would all agree, we had some pretty dumb ideas in high school.  Consider this a highlight reel of the misconceptions that were rattling in my head during my high school days.

1)  Blues and jazz, they are good food.

On the outset of high school, I was totally bent on becoming an old man before I turned seventeen.  I had thrift-store stink sweaters and polyester-blend pants, and I was utterly convinced that there was true meaning for me in blues and jazz.  Armed with a series of budget cds with fuzzy pictures of black men in suits, I was totally determined to rise intellectually above my less geriatric peers.  By my sophmore year, I realized what so many had already known: jazz is boring, and every blues song is the same.  I then proceeded to listen exclusively to mix cds with music from 80’s cartoon shows and midi tracks of Mega Man songs.

2)  In cool, liberal areas like New York, I would immediately find kindred spirits.

During high school, I absolutely knew that should I move to an urban area like New York, I would immediately fall in with the cool kids.  I would, no joke, fantasize about meeting with and befriending the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.  When I actually did move to New York, I found the same assholes that pissed me off so much in high school, except that these New York assholes decided that the best way to pick up chicks was to be Stroke-esque as opposed to being meat head jocks.  There were similar trends ideologically.  In the South I was surrounded by a lot of dumb, stubborn conservatives.  In the North I was surrounded by a lot of dumb, stubborn liberals.

3)  Drugs and alcohol are meaningless diversions for idiots, and I will never partake of them.

This one is largely the same, except for one major concession: drugs and alcohol are meaningless diversions for idiots, and I will heartily partake of them.

4)  The Oxford Comma is law.

During high school I had to use the Oxford comma in all my essays, reports, and papers because we followed MLA guidelines.  I grew to depend on that piece of punctuation.  In college I would be corrected for using the Oxford comma in any essay, report or paper because most of my graders followed AP guidelines.  Anguish ensued.  Serious, serious anguish.  Apparently I really needed something to believe in after I found that the good ole JC was not cuttin’ it any more.

5)  Patrick Swayze saved us from the Russians.

My geography teacher was a lazy asshole who would get out of teaching by showing tangentially relevant movies.  So, instead of learning about Russia or the Cold War in Unit 4, we watched Red Dawn instead.  In this propaganda-meets-Road House period piece, Patrick Swayze and Charlie Sheen fight the Russians, who have invaded and largely occupied the United States in the late 80’s.  Part of me wishes that this had happened, as I would be one step closer to a lifelong dream: living in a country where Patrick Swayze is on the currency.

-Mister Andy Lavender








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