Chico’s and The Woman

21 07 2009

I don’t pretend to be fashion savvy, but I try to dress age appropriate.

    Isn’t this what all women try to do? Isn’t this what shows like “What NOT to Wear?” and “Tim Gunn’s Guide to Style” try to teach us? My impression of the age to store ratio goes something like…  18 – 35 Ann Taylor Loft, 25 – 60 Ann Taylor, 50 – 80 Talbot’s. Sure you have your Urban Outfitters into Anthropologie girls, you know the 80 dollar t-shirt type that looks like its from a thrift store, your old Navy ladies, girls who have fond memories of high school, Express, and department store folk, you know those label whores. There are also some niche markets – J Jill, the former nun track girls, White House | Black Market, and the girls who enjoy Coldwater Creek, you’ve met them -the girls who squeal ‘Calico!’.

    That’s why I was extremely surprised when I happened upon a Chico’s.

    At first it looked like a store that I could enjoy, but ten steps later I was drowning in halter tops for saggy boobs. I had entered  a store that specialized in hoochie grandmama clothes. Folks that shop there actually remember the show “Chico and The Man”, and they might also refer to Asian people as Oriental, but still hip (that is when they haven’t broken one). To put this store in the fashion breakdown to age, it would be something like… 14 – 22 Wet Seal / Charlotte Russe AND 50 – 80 Chico’s. Yes, I realize there is a significant age gap here.

      What the club music implied, the quad city DJ’s and mash-up parade blasting the in-store sound system, was that the grandma who shops at Chico’s isn’t going to leave this earth lying down unless they are doing “the dirty”. I was creeped out and intrigued, all at once. When you turn 50 and still want to live large, Chico’s will help you dress the part. I always thought old women were just grouchy because they were looking back and sad about life passing them by.  But  now I know they were really out all night clubbing, dressed to kill, and doing Cocaine. Hot flashes? No, hang over poops. Memory loss from Alzheimer’s? Nope, drunken nights of Bacardi, and S&M.

      What if an old lady actually had a Chico’s kind of day?

      What would that be like?

      Verna might still be looking for her underwear… and cocaine.

      – Mister Paula Pazderka

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      5 High School Misconceptions

      16 07 2008

      I think we would all agree, we had some pretty dumb ideas in high school.  Consider this a highlight reel of the misconceptions that were rattling in my head during my high school days.

      1)  Blues and jazz, they are good food.

      On the outset of high school, I was totally bent on becoming an old man before I turned seventeen.  I had thrift-store stink sweaters and polyester-blend pants, and I was utterly convinced that there was true meaning for me in blues and jazz.  Armed with a series of budget cds with fuzzy pictures of black men in suits, I was totally determined to rise intellectually above my less geriatric peers.  By my sophmore year, I realized what so many had already known: jazz is boring, and every blues song is the same.  I then proceeded to listen exclusively to mix cds with music from 80’s cartoon shows and midi tracks of Mega Man songs.

      2)  In cool, liberal areas like New York, I would immediately find kindred spirits.

      During high school, I absolutely knew that should I move to an urban area like New York, I would immediately fall in with the cool kids.  I would, no joke, fantasize about meeting with and befriending the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.  When I actually did move to New York, I found the same assholes that pissed me off so much in high school, except that these New York assholes decided that the best way to pick up chicks was to be Stroke-esque as opposed to being meat head jocks.  There were similar trends ideologically.  In the South I was surrounded by a lot of dumb, stubborn conservatives.  In the North I was surrounded by a lot of dumb, stubborn liberals.

      3)  Drugs and alcohol are meaningless diversions for idiots, and I will never partake of them.

      This one is largely the same, except for one major concession: drugs and alcohol are meaningless diversions for idiots, and I will heartily partake of them.

      4)  The Oxford Comma is law.

      During high school I had to use the Oxford comma in all my essays, reports, and papers because we followed MLA guidelines.  I grew to depend on that piece of punctuation.  In college I would be corrected for using the Oxford comma in any essay, report or paper because most of my graders followed AP guidelines.  Anguish ensued.  Serious, serious anguish.  Apparently I really needed something to believe in after I found that the good ole JC was not cuttin’ it any more.

      5)  Patrick Swayze saved us from the Russians.

      My geography teacher was a lazy asshole who would get out of teaching by showing tangentially relevant movies.  So, instead of learning about Russia or the Cold War in Unit 4, we watched Red Dawn instead.  In this propaganda-meets-Road House period piece, Patrick Swayze and Charlie Sheen fight the Russians, who have invaded and largely occupied the United States in the late 80’s.  Part of me wishes that this had happened, as I would be one step closer to a lifelong dream: living in a country where Patrick Swayze is on the currency.

      -Mister Andy Lavender





      Dear Bret Michaels

      11 07 2008

      Rock of Love III - Carrboro!

      Dear Bret Michaels,

       

      Will you be my Rock of Love – CARRBORO?  I hear that you aren’t considering doing a Rock of Love III and not only do I think you definitely should, I think you should do it right here in Carrboro, North Carolina.  There are a lot of attractive rock and roll chicks in Carrboro and I’d like to think I’m one of them.  Forget that I’m happily married to an amazing laser scientist, forget that the lady demographic of the show indicates that although you are fifteen years my senior, that somehow that makes me too old for you, and also forget that I’ve never had breast enhancement surgery.    Please don’t stop reading for being natural, I think I am ample. I could sprain a pinky.

       

      I know what you’ve known all along, Bret, that you’re a showman.  As a showman, you definitely should be doing another show, another TV show.  I saw you circa 2003 at the Minnesota State Fair and you were explosive.  You sang, you danced, you maneuvered through fireworks while wearing a boa and skin tight possibly leather pants.  It was amazing.  No you aren’t Dave Matthews, and thank God you aren’t.  The last time I ever saw Dave in concert he danced like Molly Ringwald for 35 minutes while a man played the electric violin.  It was like a Spinal Tap performance without the funny death part. 

       

      I was never into Poison during your hey-day like my neighbor, Deanne, who told me about your show and how she stood on her chair, held up a lighter and drank Bartles and James wine coolers while I stayed at home and wrote computer games for my brother.  The same brother who took me to see you so many years later – he also recently called me from a Nelson concert to tell me that Gunnar got his hair cut.  

       

      So come to Carrboro, have Poison play at the Cat’s Cradle, come to Mr. Diplomat at DSI and tell us some stories  about being on the road – all while you are filming Rock of Love III – Carrboro!  Even thought I can’t fully participate as a contestant, if no other gal gets drunk enough, I will get a tattoo on the back of my neck.  It will say: Trois – for Rock of Love III – Carrboro! I thought making it French would make it sound more cosmopolitan and I know that is one thing we have in common already,  Bret, being high brow.  

       

      Can’t wait to start filming, 

      Paula

       

       -Mister Paula Pazderka





      What’s Up Wednesday: Funny Stuff We Like

      10 07 2008

      Howdy, pilgrims! Here’s a few of the things we’ve dredged up from the interwebs that made us giggle something fierce in our gullets. Hopefully, this comedy link round-up’ll be the comedy sarsparilla to quench your laughin’ hole.

      No Bits for BirbigliaDead Frog brings us this episode of The Michael Showalter Showalter, which features the very famous stand-up comedian Mike Birbiglia. Also, it looks like Showalter is missing a tooth, did he get into a fight?

      Three Matthew McConaugheys and a BabyThe Comedy Central Insider lets us have it on this hilarious Funny or Die video about exactly what you hope it will be.

      Reno 911’s Drunk Dancing Cowboy – I was trying to relate this episode to a friend the other day, but you really have to see it in order to get the joke. Rumor has it that the Reno 911 cast improvises most of what they say and do, and if it’s the case here, then bravo, friends. Bravo. Thanks to Bitter Tonic.

      Hey Everybody, Let’s All Go to the Beach and Complain – Dammit, I lurve The Onion! The hard hitting journalism is only matched by the hard hitting editorials. Here’s a taste of this spicy article: A few hours in the blistering sun and all of our cares will melt away under the crushing weight of a whole new list of minor inconveniences we’ll allow to ruin our whole day.

      Human Mirror – The geniuses over at Improv Everywhere have done it again, this time they’re making New Yorkers see double. IE are Diplomat friends, and we want you to be a fan. With hilarious and mind boggling public stunts, how could you not be?

      Mister Jeremy Griffin





      10 FREE things that Suck; 2 FREE Awesome things.

      19 06 2008

      10 Objections to the Time-Honored Adage “The Best Things in Life Are Free” : 10 FREE things that Suck!

      1. Psychic consultations
      Because who wants to touch hands that smell like sage, thyme, and curry.

      2. Spider Solitaire
      Because you want to play Solitaire alone, not with that stupid spider. And you know he’s mocking you with that grin of his.

      Gossip Girl CW3. Full episodes of Gossip Girl; CW online
      Because you know Serena and Dan can’t be together anymore. Too much has changed between them and you have to accept it. Even though Dan didn’t even sleep with Georgina so you don’t see what Serena is making such a big deal about! They both just need time to heal, and you’re torturing yourself by watching reruns of the good old days when everyone was clownishly wealthy and everything seemed simply magical.

      4. The two free cheeseburgers you get after buying three cheeseburgers
      Because three is enough sir. Three is enough!

      5. The Book of Mormon
      Because you’re already using the Bhagavad Gita as a doorstop and you have run out of doors that need stopping.

      6. Stuff on this guy‘s website
      Because he looks like a Batman villain.

      7. Advice from an ex-girlfriend
      Because you didn’t listen to her while you were dating, what makes her think you’ll listen to her now.

      Dirty Cocaine8. Dirty cocaine
      Because unless it’s soiled with Pixy Stix, that shit is scary.

      9. Spontaneous James Blunt street concerts
      Because, James, if she hasn’t already called you by now, she’s probably not going to. Get off the street and quit stealing space for the midget dressed up like a safety cone.

      10. Whatever was under the seats on the day AFTER Oprah gave everyone a car
      Because, damn, if you’d just booked your tickets a day earlier you’d have a Pontiac G-6 midsize 2005 sports sedan. But no, you had to stay in bed all day watching rerun episodes of Gossip Girl at the CW online wearing your Mr. Serena van der Woodsen T-shirt bawling your eyes out. Why can’t they just be together?

      FREE Tibet2 Affirmations of the Time-Honored Adage “The Best Things in Life Are Free” : 2 FREE Awesome things!

      1. Chinese food samples
      Because there is no better way to honor the great General Tso than with chicken slivers.

      2. Tibet
      Because you love those little Tibetan people. Especially the boy in the tree, even though technically he’s Nepalese.

      2. MISTER DIPLOMAT / FRIDAYS At 9:30PM
      Because you can’t turn down a show with enough comedy to make you rofflecopter. With a special guest or local celebrity guest each week, Mr.D is a FREE offer you can’t turn down.

      – Mister John Reitz








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