Guest post from Comedian and former Diplomat Greg Brainos
I just wanted to make you aware that, for the seventh year in a row, the key to our house will be under the front door’s welcome mat, so it will be unnecessary for you to keep entering our residence via chimney. It’s certainly an impressive feat, but you have nothing left to prove to us. Especially when the result of that accomplishment is you mashing soot all over the beige carpet. I beg of you, just use the spare key. It’s not traditional, I know, but tradition ends where my new carpet begins.
Also, please stop bringing my children puppies for Christmas. They’re allergic, so when we take the puppies to the animal shelter, I can’t tell if my kids are crying as a result of an allergic reaction or because their tiny hearts have been shattered into even tinier pieces.
Once you are finished placing presents underneath the tree, feel free to sit at the kitchen table and enjoy a plate of homemade chocolate chip cookies and a glass of milk. Should you eat all the cookies, please do not start rummaging through our cupboards; it’s noisy and rude. I’m sure the next house will be gracious enough to provide some form of sustenance.
Lastly, you should not, under ANY circumstances, use our bathroom facilities. Not for number one, not for number two, and especially not to “release some tension.”
Anne Marie Hollingsworth