Fantasy Creepy Uncle League

30 07 2008

It’s well into this year’s baseball season, and any fan worth her salt is deeply involved with a fantasy baseball league of sorts, presumably to give added incentive to follow a game where most of the time is spent watching a pitcher work through a before-pitch twitch-and-scratch routine borne of years of athletic neuroses.  But there is something truly compelling about assembling a whole out of a bunch of parts to make something truly spectacular.  That’s why I invite you all to join my own Fantasy Creepy Uncle League, where participants each try to combine elements of the truly creepy to form a relative worth hiding from.  Below is my submission:

Nicholas Cage – Hairline.

Early appearances of Nicholas Cage’s hairline in such films as Raising Arizona declared to world, “Here be a balding man.”  Yet, possibly through a combination of advanced CGI and spray-on hair, Nicholas Cage’s hairline has stood strong, with hairstyles from the more recent The Wicker Man and National Treasure: Book of Secrets forming a veritable carnival of horrors.

Keith David – Mouth.

As a whole, Keith David is an exemplar of bad assitude.  But the combination of his voice and a closeup of his mouth in a memorable scene in Requiem for a Dream is enough to make cute puppies explode.

Walter Mathau – Jowls.

The Mathau jowl-to-face ratio necessitates a pie chart.

David Lynch – Basement projects.

Any mention of a basement project from an uncle is enough to make said relative creepier than the cold that follows death, but if that project involves assembling a deformed baby out of a calf corpse, it is acceptable to cut off your own hands to avoid helping out.

Robin Williams – Tendency to engage in Robin Williams-esque humor.

The typical creepy uncle’s attempts at humor would probably not be as frightening if his comedy idol was not a coked-out furry leprechaun with a penchant for funny voices.

Charlie Sheen – Sex life.

A lot of people are happy to assume that their uncles blow inordinate portions of their salaries on LA hookers.  But having this confirmed by a high profile media explosion in the early nineties is a little too much.

Andrew Jackson – Streak of racial bigotry/compulsion to invade Florida.

Your uncle may have made that awkward comment last Christmas about how Chinese people drive, but at least he didn’t sign into law the Trail of Tears, though his insistence to spend next Christmas in Orlando is atrocious in its own right.

-Mister Andy Lavender

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5 High School Misconceptions

16 07 2008

I think we would all agree, we had some pretty dumb ideas in high school.  Consider this a highlight reel of the misconceptions that were rattling in my head during my high school days.

1)  Blues and jazz, they are good food.

On the outset of high school, I was totally bent on becoming an old man before I turned seventeen.  I had thrift-store stink sweaters and polyester-blend pants, and I was utterly convinced that there was true meaning for me in blues and jazz.  Armed with a series of budget cds with fuzzy pictures of black men in suits, I was totally determined to rise intellectually above my less geriatric peers.  By my sophmore year, I realized what so many had already known: jazz is boring, and every blues song is the same.  I then proceeded to listen exclusively to mix cds with music from 80’s cartoon shows and midi tracks of Mega Man songs.

2)  In cool, liberal areas like New York, I would immediately find kindred spirits.

During high school, I absolutely knew that should I move to an urban area like New York, I would immediately fall in with the cool kids.  I would, no joke, fantasize about meeting with and befriending the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.  When I actually did move to New York, I found the same assholes that pissed me off so much in high school, except that these New York assholes decided that the best way to pick up chicks was to be Stroke-esque as opposed to being meat head jocks.  There were similar trends ideologically.  In the South I was surrounded by a lot of dumb, stubborn conservatives.  In the North I was surrounded by a lot of dumb, stubborn liberals.

3)  Drugs and alcohol are meaningless diversions for idiots, and I will never partake of them.

This one is largely the same, except for one major concession: drugs and alcohol are meaningless diversions for idiots, and I will heartily partake of them.

4)  The Oxford Comma is law.

During high school I had to use the Oxford comma in all my essays, reports, and papers because we followed MLA guidelines.  I grew to depend on that piece of punctuation.  In college I would be corrected for using the Oxford comma in any essay, report or paper because most of my graders followed AP guidelines.  Anguish ensued.  Serious, serious anguish.  Apparently I really needed something to believe in after I found that the good ole JC was not cuttin’ it any more.

5)  Patrick Swayze saved us from the Russians.

My geography teacher was a lazy asshole who would get out of teaching by showing tangentially relevant movies.  So, instead of learning about Russia or the Cold War in Unit 4, we watched Red Dawn instead.  In this propaganda-meets-Road House period piece, Patrick Swayze and Charlie Sheen fight the Russians, who have invaded and largely occupied the United States in the late 80’s.  Part of me wishes that this had happened, as I would be one step closer to a lifelong dream: living in a country where Patrick Swayze is on the currency.

-Mister Andy Lavender








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