ACME Chef Kevin Callaghan

14 05 2010

MISTER DIPLOMAT proudly welcomes Kevin Callaghan, Owner and Head Chef of Acme Food & Beverage Co. to the stage on Friday 5/14. We only have a few more FREE 930pm shows. Starting Friday June 4th MrD moves to 1030pm. But fear not, we are still bringing the FUNNY and have some awesome guests lined up for the Summer.

Who do you want to see?

Oh yeah, LIKE KEVIN on FacebookAnd ACME too.

If you go to ACME tell them Zach sent you… For the tenderloin.

Mister Zach Ward





Mister Zach Ward Works Out

12 11 2009

Mister  Zach Ward has taken to working out. Why? So he can avoid the fate of chubby bunny. No, not the marshmallow game. He’d play that anytime. He wants to not be the average-height over-average-weight white guy on stage. You know the comedy type. Was it Abbott or Costello? Tall and lanky OR medium and well-endowed (not there!, in the gut). Anyway, he works out with Mister Paula Pazderka and has just started working out with a DSI student (and local muscleman) Rajeev Rajendran.

Here are two of his ZW Works Out clips. New series coming to Facebook and Youtube from the Elliptical machines at Carolina Fitness (Carrboro, NC). ZW clips are all shot with an HD Flip cam from the dash of the machine. Zach might talk about life, his workout progress, improv, comedy, producing festivals, running a small business or maybe he’ll just do sweaty bits. But guaranteed, it’ll be funny to watch.

more later.

Mister Diplomat





I Can Has Proof Read?

18 06 2009

About a month ago The Herald-Sun ran this article on its front page.  Upon reading it, you may say to yourself “Wow, I know times is tough, but a 13% literacy rate?!? That seems unbelievable.” Well, guess what, it is. The first sentence of the article makes it overly clear that the headline should have read “Durham’s basic ILLITERACY rate at 13%.” Turns out only 13% of Durhamites can’t read, not 87%.

I’m guessing at least one of them thinks he works at the Harold-Son.

Okay, we all know that Carrboro is full of yuppies and hipsters, but let’s not forget about another group of nonconformists the town has to offer. That’s right, the emo kids. That’s not the sound of a squirrel on the Weaver Street lawn, it’s an emo kid weeping softly to himself while Bright Eyes pounds through the speakers of his iPod. On this particular night, it looks like local favorite Elmo’s will be serving up burgers, charred black like their soul and served with a side of inner self-loathing.

Fucking yum.

Chapel Hill parking sucks.

However, from the looks of it, good ole Balfour Beatty Construction might be doing everyone a kindly little favor. The mysterious black curtain clues me into the fact that they probably don’t want me to park here, but with a sign expounding ZERO CONSEQUENCES for doing so, this offer might be too good to refuse.

 

Mister John Reitz





Conversations With David Sedaris

25 07 2008

 

“David Sedaris,” I’d begin, “as I live and breathe.”

 

            David would smile patiently and gesture with his tiny man hands for me to sit. “Mister Paula Pazderka,” he’d say, “as I live and breathe.”  We’d both chuckle at that and although Open Eye Café in Carrboro doesn’t have a wait staff, a waiter would come by and plop a large ice coffee down in front of me with 2 Splendas, a significant amount of half and half and a bit of sugar.  The waiter would curtsy, his black fingernails shining.

 

           “You may not know this David, but I want to be you,” I’d pause dramatically just to be cute. “Not that I want to be a middle aged gay man, no not that, at all.”  Catching myself, I’d attempt to correct it.  “Not that I wouldn’t, I mean I’m sure it is fabulous. Absolutely fabulous! I love gay people. I used to hope one of my brothers were gay to make my family more interesting.”

 

 

*   *   *

 

 

“David Sedaris,” I’d begin, “Isn’t always kind of awkward to meet someone you admire?” I’d chuckle and he’d nod.   “You want to be clever and funny, but also yourself.”  He’d nod.  “Yeah, it could get real awkward… real awkward… really really awkward.  Yep.  And weird.  Have you ever heard the joke about two muffins in the oven?  And one muffin turns to the other muffin and says, ‘Boy it is hot in here.”  And the other muffin says, ‘Holy Shit, a talking muffin!’  Heh! That joke still makes me laugh.  Yeah awkward… real awkward… really really awkward.

 

*    *     *

 

“David Sedaris,” I’d begin, “did you know I’m doing the reverse of you?  I now live in Raleigh, after moving from Chicago and going to the ‘Tute,” I’d pause.  “That’s what I call the Art Institute of Chicago.”  I’d stop because that is the extent of my reversing.  David, a clever man, would assume there was more.

 

 

“And you were born?” He’d ask.

 

 

“Omaha.” 

 

He’d look confused and search how this could possibly be in France.  I would sit by quietly not able to help.

 

 

“Beach?”

 

 

“No, Nebraska.”

 

*   *   *

 

 

“David Sedaris,” I’d begin, “you look lovely in that long sleeved blue button down – although it is 98 degrees in here.”

 

 

*   *   *

 

“David Sedaris,” I’d begin. “I read your latest book When You Are Engulfed In Flames and no one since Spinal Tap has made death so funny and explosive.  He’d smile.  “Thank you for being funny,” I’d say and walk away.  When I reached the door I’d say, “For what it is worth you don’t dress like a hobo.”

 

 

– Mister Paula Pazderka

 





Dear Bret Michaels

11 07 2008

Rock of Love III - Carrboro!

Dear Bret Michaels,

 

Will you be my Rock of Love – CARRBORO?  I hear that you aren’t considering doing a Rock of Love III and not only do I think you definitely should, I think you should do it right here in Carrboro, North Carolina.  There are a lot of attractive rock and roll chicks in Carrboro and I’d like to think I’m one of them.  Forget that I’m happily married to an amazing laser scientist, forget that the lady demographic of the show indicates that although you are fifteen years my senior, that somehow that makes me too old for you, and also forget that I’ve never had breast enhancement surgery.    Please don’t stop reading for being natural, I think I am ample. I could sprain a pinky.

 

I know what you’ve known all along, Bret, that you’re a showman.  As a showman, you definitely should be doing another show, another TV show.  I saw you circa 2003 at the Minnesota State Fair and you were explosive.  You sang, you danced, you maneuvered through fireworks while wearing a boa and skin tight possibly leather pants.  It was amazing.  No you aren’t Dave Matthews, and thank God you aren’t.  The last time I ever saw Dave in concert he danced like Molly Ringwald for 35 minutes while a man played the electric violin.  It was like a Spinal Tap performance without the funny death part. 

 

I was never into Poison during your hey-day like my neighbor, Deanne, who told me about your show and how she stood on her chair, held up a lighter and drank Bartles and James wine coolers while I stayed at home and wrote computer games for my brother.  The same brother who took me to see you so many years later – he also recently called me from a Nelson concert to tell me that Gunnar got his hair cut.  

 

So come to Carrboro, have Poison play at the Cat’s Cradle, come to Mr. Diplomat at DSI and tell us some stories  about being on the road – all while you are filming Rock of Love III – Carrboro!  Even thought I can’t fully participate as a contestant, if no other gal gets drunk enough, I will get a tattoo on the back of my neck.  It will say: Trois – for Rock of Love III – Carrboro! I thought making it French would make it sound more cosmopolitan and I know that is one thing we have in common already,  Bret, being high brow.  

 

Can’t wait to start filming, 

Paula

 

 -Mister Paula Pazderka








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