Mr T Goes to Hollywood

1 02 2009

Guest post from Comedian and former Diplomat Corey Brown

Good job!

Good job, Mr T!

I think Hollywood is making a huge mistake in the casting of most of their main characters. I say this because, after watching a lot of movies I can easily see Mr. T being the ideal candidate for the role.

I think Brad Pitt did a great job in Benjamin Button, but I think Mr. T could have slammed that character home. Imagine how T would look as an old man looking baby. How cute would all of those gold chains look around that backwards child? Answer: Very. Mr. T also wouldn’t have gone traipsing after Daisy either. He would have pitied that fool and found him a sugar momma closer to his adoptive home. This movie seriously lacked some Mr. T-atude.

Batman was probably the best movie of the year. I admire the work Heath Ledger did with the Joker Character, but come on Christopher Nolan, what about T? Batman would have been chumped had the T been on the opposite side. Yeah, the makeup would have looked a little bit silly and Mr. T sure as hell isn’t going to let his parents cut up his mouth like that, but the brutality of the fight scenes would have been amazing. I know you were thinking of story arc and all that other Hollywood BS that you worry about, but in what the T would have ruined story wise, he would have added that much more whoop-ass-ness.

Cloverfield. Project CloverT sounds like a winner to me.

Powder! Albino Mr. T? Duh, it works. 

Wall-E? How about Wall-T?

I think you get my point Hollywood. There isn’t any role that isn’t suited for the styling’s of Laurence Tureaud. Now where is my milk?

– New York Comedian Corey Brown

Mr. T would have pwned Frankie.


Cheney is the Penguin

16 01 2009

This took me a long time to realize, but with the series of illustrations in the latest Newsweek, it finally dawned on me: Dick Cheney is the penguin.  Contrast and compare this

Victor Juhasz for Newsweek

Victor Juhasz for Newsweek

with this:

I imagine with the current administration leaving office, Cheney is preparing for a return to a life of crime.  Of course, when you’ve been out of the caper biz for eight years, you need to start small.  Hold on to your Faberge eggs, kids!

– Mister Andy Lavender

Matt “Mutt” Anderson (Bully, Age 9) Reviews The Dark Knight

23 07 2008

A student in Mrs. Jarvis’s fourth grade class, Matt “Mutt” Anderson was assigned to write a one-page essay on the characters in the Newbery Medal-winning novel The Giver.  However, this Monday Matt instead turned in a three-paragraph personal exploration of his feelings towards the recently released The Dark Knight.

Firstly, lines suck.  They suck harder than that gayfer Thomas that used to sit in front of me in school.  Man, what a gayfer.  He’s so gay I bet he likes to wait in lines while smelling like farts and looking like a tard.  And when he gets to the front to line he says, “Oh goody!  Now I can see Mama Mia!”  Abba is for kids who got dropped on their heads as babies.

Secondly, Batman Begins was gay.  If Batman kicks so much ass, why is the bad guy in the movie Qui-Gon Jinn, aka some gay-ass vegetarian with a shitty mustache.  If I was Batman, I’d be all “Hey, asslicker!  Look behind you!  There’s a big ass for you to lick!”  And then he’d turn around, with his tongue flapping around and drool everywhere.  And then I’d shoot him.  With a gun.

Thirdly, The Dark Knight was cool.  But I almost didn’t see it.  My mom said that this gayfer Ebert said that it was not good for kids, and then she started crying, which is something that she does after she says dumb stuff.  So I was all like, “Hey, woman!  I cut my teacher, and she weighs more than you!”  And then she cried even harder and drank a glass of Jack Daniels, but she took me to the theater after like twenty minutes.  The Joker was funny.  The guy that sat in front of me during the movie was so gay.  He was all, “Would you keep it down please?”  And I was all, “Hey, dicksucker!  Turn around!  There’s a big dick for you to suck!”  And then turned around with mouth all open and stuff.  And then I shot him.  With a gun.

-Mister Andy Lavender

Batman doesn’t scare anyone.

1 07 2008

batgoal Bruce Wayne chose the bat as his symbol because he believed that bats are a universally terrifying symbol. How better to strike terror into the hearts of the criminal underworld than by associating himself with a creature of the night? Now, I’m no criminologist, but I’d wager that, contrary to Mr. Wayne’s opinion, most criminals are in fact, NOT afraid of bats. Bats can be cute. They’re soft like a tiny stuffed animal but one that would pop if you hugged it to tightly.

I can easily think of a few things far more terrifying than tiny mammals whose faces look like Ross Perot with a pug nose. I’d like to suggest some name alterations that could be much more frightening to the modern man:

1. Growing Up To Lead A Mediocre Life Man

2. Committing To A Relationship Man


3. The Whole World Is The Dream of Some Giant Sleeping Creature And When It Wakes We Will All Disappear Man

4. Accidentally Being Racist and Starting-3rd-World-War Man


5. George W. Bush Man — repeat of #4

5. Unplanned Pregnancy Man


Mr.D doesn’t claim to have the names to scare every modern man, but we guarantee you there are things out there in the world that would scare more men more often than bats. You might be asking yourself, what would scare old criminals or female criminals… I asked myself the same question (and have already started to prepare my Top 5).

You can look forward to another post before the end of the month. In the meantime, let me know what would scare you if you were leading a life of crime.

“If you make yourself more than just a man, if you devote yourself to an ideal, and if they can’t stop you, then you become something else entirely. A legend.” A DIPLOMAT


– Mister John Reitz

%d bloggers like this: