Family Dog? Or Rise of an Old Imperial Power? Whitehouse Invasion!

14 04 2009
What happens when you combine the deadly water moccasin and Portugal’s desire to return to the lime light of global power and influence?  You get a ticking time bomb in the form of the White House’s new dog: 
Bo, an adorably EVIL Portuguese Water Dog.
Glen Beck would notice you can't see the white's of this dog's eyes.   How can Barack trust that?

Glen Beck would notice you can't see the white's of this dog's eyes. How can Barack trust that?

Need we be reminded that Portugal was once a ruthless global empire? 

Lying dormant for over a century, Portugal may have just lulled the world into false sense of security.  We think we know what to expect from Portugal, but it has been waiting, plotting, getting ready to make a move of EPIC proportions. Using a pet may seem unprecedented, but it is merely a modern twist on the Trojan Horse. Not since the Aviz dynasty (Aviz dynasty? Anyone?) Not since the Aviz dynasty has the world seen Portugal make a grab for power like this.

Portugal is wise to use Sasha’s and Malia’s adorable love to bring down the most powerful man in the world. He’ll have to choose between his daughters, the country, and his “best friend”. Portugal’s inspired quest to turn United States into its colony just might bring Barack to his knees. Yes They Can.

It will all come to a head on Air Force One when Bo will shed his skin and show his true colors.  The battle will combine movie classics Air Force One and Snakes on a Plane. Barack will have to save his family, his life, and the free world. We will all be on the edge of our seats as this is coming Summer 2009.

– Mister Paula Pazderka





Citizen’s Arrest for Change

26 01 2009

With the induction of our 44th President now complete, it is now time to answer our leader’s call to action.  Obama has rekindled the spirit of JFK in asking what we as Americans can do for our country.

obama-kennedy-jfk

I, for one, know exactly what my role in this new society will be:

I want to bring back a forgotten art… the citizen’s arrest.

It’s time to put the power back in the hands of the people.  Our public servants have a lot on their hands with all the crime and wrong-doing that is running rampent.  We need to take it upon ourselves to do our part to make America a better place. I want to get to the point where the booming echo of a man or woman yelling “Citizen’s Arrest!” will stop any criminal right in their tracks.

It can be an offense as simple as a rolling stop at an intersection or as severe as a stealing all the gold from the Federal Reserve (ala Die Hard 3).

die-hard-3

I want to strike the fear of Batman in the hearts of anyone who would think to even toss a cigarette butt on the ground.  Or this scenerio:  Man attempted grand theft auto until he saw his neighbor watering his grass and knew it was just too risky.

So please join me, my fellow Americans, by pledging your allegiance that when we see any harm done against our great nation we will stand up, Lee Greenwood style, and shout from the highest mountain… “CITIZEN’S ARREST!”

– Mister Jeremy McDonald





Dreaming of a White Obama

23 01 2009

So yeah, it snowed in the South before and during the Presidential Inauguration on Tuesday. Does that mean that power of racism might have been trying to rear its magical head? Is he-who-shall-not-be-named (yeah, Voldemort) alive and well? But just off by a bit?

Imagine a group of underground Klan radicals trapped in a dank basement somewhere invoking a White Obama and what they get instead is a White Christmas, well, at least Christmas for a generation of voters, or what might as well have been Christmas, because America got the bestest present ever.

obama-inauguration

Go OBAMA! Go SNOBAMA!

I think a lot of Americans are just really thankful to see the other Snowman go. You know, the abominable one. No, not the cute one from the Rankin/Bass cartoon who just has a toothache. But the ice queen. That’s right, George W.

Bush

At first I wasn’t going to post a picture of him here, but isn’t it nice to see him wave good-bye? Yeah, I thought so. America, we need to realize, he just wasn’t that into us. He didn’t have our best interests at heart.

He was much more interested in the excitement of new partners and chasing foreign “tail,” making excuses about his job instead of coming home at the end of the day and really caring about us, the U.S., you know what I mean. Well, now he gets to go back to Texas, enjoy his new ranch and maybe carve up a turkey from Alaska.

A White Obama? No. A Christmas Miracle? Absolutely.

– Mister Zach Ward






Party Unity. Party up.

25 08 2008

So Mister Obama (yeah, MISTER Obama! He gets DIPLO-approval from Mister Zach Ward at least) has chosen Senator Joe Biden from Delaware as his VP Running-mate. Some of us found out via email. Some of us found out via text message. Others of us signed up for the Democratic Party cerebral implants.

Biden gon’ make me lose my mind 
up in HERE up in here 
Biden gon’ make me go all out 
up in here up in here 
Biden gon’ make me act a FOOL 
up in HERE up in here 
Biden gon’ make me lose my cool 
up in here up in here

I’m RUHL excited for the next few months, and I hope the Democratic National Convention can deliver some Party Unity (up in here).

Both Bill and Hilary Clinton are scheduled to speak at the event in Denver, a move to spread the message of unity against the Republican party and George W PART 2. Rumor has it that Former President Bill Clinton plans to go on record at the Convention, in a much overdue response to the Monica Lewinsky scandal of 1995 (and I quote BOTH the former President and DMX), as saying “everytime you come around, it’s like (what) I just gotta get my ____ sucked.”

It’s unlikely that a 13 year old response by the former President will properly address the message of Party Unity, but in an effort to include the press on his position he encouraged ALL female reporters to quote, “meet him outside meet him outside, meet him outside” and that it would certainly be a Party.

I want to know Your opinion about OBAMA / BIDEN 2008.

– Mister Zach Ward





OMG. OBAMA SERIOUSLY LISTENS TO SHERYL CROW.

7 07 2008

You may recognize this man.

He totally listens to the music creatively birthed by this recently Lance-less pop-star.

I missed this Rolling Stone article until now. Clearly I need to adjust my google alerts.

– Mister Andy Lavender





If You Vote for Obama, You Might (STILL) be a Redneck

24 06 2008

If You Vote for Obama, You Might (STILL) be a Redneck!

In the last few weeks, I have noticed an interesting new phenomenon. On a regular basis, white people will announce to me that they are voting for Barack Obama – without any provocation. They just walk up out of the blue and comment how excited they are “for this moment in history” or mention how something (usually gas prices) “will be different once Obama’s in office.”

It started out a few months back with 40ish-year-old white women. The first few times it happened I thought these women were hitting on me. Then, a few weeks later, various 20-something white guys joined the “hey man, I’m really excited about the Obama campaign” random comment committee. But the greatest moment came just a couple of weeks ago during the North Carolina Primaries while I was standing in line at Walmart. A fifty-year-old white man wreaking of cigarettes and castor oil, wearing paint spattered overalls, and doing little to cover his literally RED neck, asked me if I voted, winked, and pointed to his “I voted” sticker.

Overlooking people’s general assumption that I am voting for Obama just because I’m black – because let’s be honest that’s probably a fair assumption – I cannot tell you how humorous I find this phenomenon.

White people of America, I would very much like to clarify two important pieces of information.

One: Barack Obama is not MLK, Jesus, or even Chuck Norris for that matter.

He did not give the I have a dream speech; he cannot walk on water; and he is not currently suing NBC, claiming that Law and Order are trademarked names for his right and left legs.

Two: If we keep treating Barack Obama this way, we may actually unintentionally provoke the actual Chuck Norris – a man who doesn’t go hunting, he goes killing.

Be careful people – Chuck is watchin’.

-Mister Joe Jones








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