FOUND: Single Use Bathroom Reading

9 11 2010

On a recent rip to NYC, La Guardia offered the very best in Single Use Bathroom Reading. YES! Every stall came with its own Penthouse.

Okay, Not really. Only this one stall. And I NEEDED to get a picture. When I leaned in (READ: Not too close) to get the shot the Airport Bathroom Attendant leaned around the corner, laughed and exclaimed for all to hear — in the most hilarious broken english — “You hit that! … The jackpot, Eh!” I walked away and felt funny for multiple reasons when he gave me that Attaboy slap on the shoulder.

What’s the weirdest THING you’ve ever FOUND in the bathroom?


The FINAL Spicy Countdown

18 05 2010

It’s about cowdamn time people!

On June 7th Chick-fil-A will debut THE Spicy Chicken Sandwich!

I can’t tell you what a game changer this is for me and my culinary adventures.

You see, I love spicy chicken.

Wendy’s has long since led the charge in delivering fiery fowl, and Dave Thomas (from the grave) even condensed the miracle into tiny nugget form. Many a bar & grill adds the peppery poultry to their menu. Heck, even the company where I work has Wednesday buffalo chicken day and NO. OTHER. DAY. When you think about it, the fact that Chick-fil-A hasn’t had a spicy version of their sandwich is quite mind-boggling.  I wouldn’t the R&D Department would have taken THIS LONG to hatch this scheme (HATCH! pun intended, what came first? the egg or the Spicy Chicken Sandwich!). There are really only so many things that can be done to chicken, right?

I mean, you can shake ‘n bake it, you can cordon bleu it, you could use it as bread (Thanks KFC!) but I really feel going spicy is the next logical step.

So join my fellow heartburn heroes as we watch the clock on while we wait for this Spicy Chicken gift, direct from the Cathy family. If you can’t wait until the official release date, go here (But you don’t know me. Are we clear?)

Mister Jeremy McDonald

How Do You Roll?

24 02 2010

So my wife (Carrie) and I have a frequent battle in our home…

How IS the toilet paper SUPPOSED to go on the roll? I’m a firm believer that the tp roll should go under. Carrie is a proponent of the tp coming over the top. Now, if you asked me why or what my debate points were I would not have a strong argument. I don’t really have any reason other than, It’s just how I’ve always done it. And I’m sure Carrie doesn’t have a strong argument. She just chooses the opposite side because she likes to mess with my OCD.

But a few weeks ago I was blessed (and not by Angel Soft®):

That’s right, an ENTIRE website from Cottonelle® devoted to people sounding off on how they prefer the toilet paper to ROLL! Some of the arguments are great. From having to share a port-o-pottie with 12 other construction workers to preventing finger jams and knuckle scrapes. I’d love YOUR arguments AND your answer…


Mister Jeremy McDonald

Red Dawn changed my life.

16 09 2009

Dear Patrick Swayze,

Wherever you are now I want to thank you for ALL you did… In RED DAWN. What I know about Entrepreneurship and Self-reliance I learned from watching your Leadership of America’s Youth fighting against ALL odds.

And for my friend Andy, Red Dawn was surprisingly relevant for Geography?


#5 Patrick Swayze saved us from the Russians.

My geography teacher was a lazy asshole who would get out of teaching by showing tangentially relevant movies. So, instead of learning about Russia or the Cold War in Unit 4, we watched Red Dawn instead. In this propaganda-meets-Road House period piece, Patrick Swayze and Charlie Sheen fight the Russians, who have invaded and largely occupied the United States in the late 80’s. Part of me wishes that this had happened, as I would be one step closer to a lifelong dream: living in a country where Patrick Swayze is on the currency.

So wherever you are now, thank you.

And thank you for taking baby out of the corner so a generation of girls had something to talk about. Thank you for showing Johnny Utah that a man with a dream only needed good timing, loyal friends and a president’s mask to rob banks and finance an endless summer. Thank you for speaking through Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost, which was funny enough, but your pottery scene inspired more comedic parodies than I can count. And some that I’m ashamed to admit watching.

But most of all, thanks for being Patrick Swayze.

– Mister Zach Ward

A Twitter Apology to Doug Benson

23 07 2009

Dear Doug Benson,

I apologize for what appears to be me co-opting a joke you published on Twitter while at Comic-Con. I was tired on Thursday morning, checking out tweets from the night before and re-tweeted one of your posts because I thought it was very funny.

I would never knowingly harm this comic.

I would never knowingly harm this comic.

I accidentally deleted part of the tweet while adding some Hash.

Tags, I meant Hashtags, #hashtags. Maybe if I had been adding some Hash to my morning routine, my mistake would make sense. But my lack of Twitter etiquette is unacceptable. I typed from memory what I deleted, what I thought was “(And chafing.)”, placing parantheses where there were none before. And by doing that I seem to imply that I made the chafing joke. I did not.

For the record our Twitter timeline today.

7:47am PST @DougBenson: Don’t forget Comic-Con attendees, with a great costume comes great responsibility. And chafing.

8:51am PST @zachward: RT @DougBenson: Don’t forget Comic-Con attendees, with a great costume comes great responsibility. (And chafing.) #stanlee #cc09

9:04am, DM from @DougBenson: By adding parentheses, it looks like you added the chafing part. Which you didn’t. I’m just saying. :)

I know you were just saying, but I wanted to apologize. With greater connectivity comes great responsibility and I have certainly fail whaled. I would have replied by Direct Message, but you’re not following me on Twitter. That’s okay. I’m not mad.

I’m sorry. 

I’m a fan of Spider Man, Stan Lee and Yours.

– Mister Zach Ward

Honey Nut Rapture

12 07 2009

Breakfast is supposed to be the most important meal of the day. 

Maybe here on earth, but apparently it won’t be in Heaven…

Now for someone who loves breakfast this comes as a bit of a shock.

Breakfast literally gets me out of bed in the morning. I’m not gonna lie. I ALSO eat breakfast for dinner, or, as those in the know call it… BRINNER. Isn’t there a reason places serve it at all hours? Olive Garden doesn’t open before lunch and McDonald’s isn’t pushing the Quarter Pounder before 11am. Coincidence? Definitely not.

Isn’t heaven supposed to be a place of perfection… of bliss… A utopia?

And I can’t have breakfast?! You have to be kidding me. God created Lucky Charms, donuts, and sugar and rice… Wait, what? Well, maybe not that last one but the rest are blessing unto Man. I mean if God didn’t create breakfast, THEN WHO DID?…


Every single muffin has the devil inside.

– Mister Jeremy McDonald

Have you met my news boyfriend, Richard Engel?

25 06 2009
He looks good in a suit.

He looks good in a suit.

I know I’m not the only one watching the Iran election controversy and outraged by the Iranian government’s response. I’m waiting, wishing and hoping for the people of Iran -hoping that there will be some overwhelming change that will benefit them. I honestly care.  Seriously. I try extremely hard to be educated and aware. BUT…I am also fluffing my sofa pillows, grabbing some fresh strawberries, stretching out and waiting for my “news” boyfriend, Richard Engel, to tell me more about it.


Somehow the world’s tyranny doesn’t seem as awful when Richard Engel talks about it. 


 His delicious smile and tasty athletic build make we want to gobble the news right up, get full and have a news baby with him.

The great thing is as NBC’s head foreign correspondent I see him all day.  There he is at 6 AM with Mika and Joe (Morning Joe now sponsored by Starbucks) and during the day, with the Today Show, and then at night with Chris Matthews and Rachel Maddow. I can see my main man 24/7 with this news cycle. I can tell when he looks tired. I know when he is hanging in Cairo. He is after all my news man boyfriend.

He looks good in a flak jacket.

AND he looks good in a flak jacket.

I’ve read this heartbreaker’s history. He married his Stanford college sweetheart and then worked too much and ignored her. Believe you me I get that; I’m so used to being ignored. In fact, Richard has virtually ignored me since we met. Don’t worry just like the US and its foreign interests, I’m fickle. I’m not looking for anything too long term. 

But, as long as Iran is in election turmoil and there are troops in Iraq and Afghanistan, I’ll see him. Actually, Richard and I’ve been virtually together everyday over the last few weeks.  I want you to know that while I’m taking a shower, doing my hair and putting on my best “come hither” outfit that I’m thinking of the Iranian people too.   Richard would insist that I do.  And no, I never refer to him as Dick, at least not yet…here’s hoping.

– Mister Paula Pazderka

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