No, you may not poke me.

26 11 2009

Mister Diplomat welcomes guest blogger THE Molly Buckley.

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You don’t have to believe me, but I’m being honest. I was once picked up in a bar with the line, “AY! Yo female, lemme get that backslash!” At first I was taken aback by this pickup line. What in God’s name did this boy mean, my “backslash”? I thought it was something vile, dirty, and disgusting. I immediately retorted, “Uhh, no?” I’m really good at being passive aggressive towards potential suitors.

You don't need a book. You need an imagination.

I later found out that “Lemme get that backslash” is actually referring to my MySpace username. That’s right – myspace.com / = backslash. I should have told him that it is actually a forwardslash, but I might have been slapped. And domestic abuse is no way to pick up a lady. Regardless, I did not go home with the gentleman in question that evening.

Well, after mulling on that particular event for a while, it prompted me to think about this idea of using “social networking” terms to pickup members of the opposite sex… in person. And thus, I held a contest. The contest was to see WHO could come up with the BEST social networking term pickup line pun. And I got some hilarious submissions.

Here are some of the best:

  • Aaron K.: Wanna go to my place and #eachother? You do? Tweeeeet.
  • Jonathan B.: Baby, add me to your friend’s list, and we can poke each other all the time!!!
  • Sylvia T.: I can blog all night long, and this entry is definitely not tweet-length.
  • Luke D.: Hey baby, how ’bout we ditch this party and head back to myspace?
  • Matthew N.: It’s Friday and my only recommendation is that you follow me
  • Rare Bird S.: I’ll invite you to an event, and I want to poke you’ tube. I like to comment when you download on my boobs.
  • John B. Jr.: Hey baby. Wanna get Linked in Myspace or yours?

And the winner is…

  • Jim W. (@digitaldrivel): I wanna put my Facebook in your Yahoo and Digg your Twitter until you Yelp!

Congratulations, Jim. You’ve won a grab bag of awesome comedy stuff from the Dirty South. That’s right. We’re dirty and we’re in the south. Rawwr.

So remember boys (and girls), next time you’re in a bar, don’t use that “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” crap. Be creative. Use your imagination. Get to poking.

Word.





A World Without Oprah

23 11 2009

In 1984, Oprah Winfrey became the host of a morning talk show that in less than a year became so popular that it was renamed The Oprah Winfrey Show. That means I have never lived in a world without Oprah on TV, but this is about to change. Last Friday Oprah announced that she will be ending the show next season. From a ridiculous interview with Tom Cruise to pulling a Radio Flyer wagon full of 67 pounds of fat that she lost, who knew a woman with misspelled Bible character’s name could go so far. Even worse, with Oprah not giving away cars, boosting book sales or starting new television shows, we may just fall back into a recession. But don’t fret middle aged housewives, there is some silver lining to this daytime storm cloud. Perhaps Chicagoans who used to devote their time to Oprah will now leave their homes and go see some great improv. And now maybe now she’ll finally have time to take us up on our Diplomat guest offer.

Mister Harrison Brookie





Jesus Ate ALL the Turkey

21 11 2009

Dear Jesus, We are already hungry for Turkey.

And cranberry sauce from a can.

Respectfully,

Mister Diplomat





Facebook post quality

12 11 2009

I don’t want to brag, but today I opened the Mister Diplomat Facebook Fanpage where our “insights” are on the left. They check Fans, page hits, comments, photo views, and how many babies we’re responsible for.

Anyway, I opened it up and saw 3,500% post quality. WTF? And then I started to think about how awesome we are and did not doubt the logistics of that number for a second. It was not only possible – say it with me, “THREE THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED PERCENT POST QUALITY” – It’s been a long time coming. MrD has been operating at at least a 3,500% post quality since 2007 and it’s about time we were acknowledged for that.

I remember when we were just producing 1000% post quality. Those days were hard, but now thanks to Google Analytics and our own SEO tracker Mister Diplomatics, we’ve have seen a significant growth in traffic that should soon turn into a serious amount of web advertising. We’re starting slow, with flashy banner ads and animated gifs.

I know what you’re saying, “How can that be right?” Well, it’s all in the Mister Diplomatics. We not only know the IP address and the geographical region of the Facebook Fan, but we can even figure out what bedroom the hits came from.

Perfectly creepy for Diplomat.

If you’re not a Facebook Fan of MrD you really need to get on board. Now. Why? Don’t ask us how it works, but thanks to Mister Diplomatics we also know where everyone who’s NOT on our website is at any given time.

Mister Zach Ward





Mister Zach Ward Works Out

12 11 2009

Mister  Zach Ward has taken to working out. Why? So he can avoid the fate of chubby bunny. No, not the marshmallow game. He’d play that anytime. He wants to not be the average-height over-average-weight white guy on stage. You know the comedy type. Was it Abbott or Costello? Tall and lanky OR medium and well-endowed (not there!, in the gut). Anyway, he works out with Mister Paula Pazderka and has just started working out with a DSI student (and local muscleman) Rajeev Rajendran.

Here are two of his ZW Works Out clips. New series coming to Facebook and Youtube from the Elliptical machines at Carolina Fitness (Carrboro, NC). ZW clips are all shot with an HD Flip cam from the dash of the machine. Zach might talk about life, his workout progress, improv, comedy, producing festivals, running a small business or maybe he’ll just do sweaty bits. But guaranteed, it’ll be funny to watch.

more later.

Mister Diplomat








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