Red Dawn changed my life.

16 09 2009

Dear Patrick Swayze,

Wherever you are now I want to thank you for ALL you did… In RED DAWN. What I know about Entrepreneurship and Self-reliance I learned from watching your Leadership of America’s Youth fighting against ALL odds.

And for my friend Andy, Red Dawn was surprisingly relevant for Geography?

5 HIGH SCHOOL MISCONCEPTIONS – Mister Andy Lavender

#5 Patrick Swayze saved us from the Russians.

My geography teacher was a lazy asshole who would get out of teaching by showing tangentially relevant movies. So, instead of learning about Russia or the Cold War in Unit 4, we watched Red Dawn instead. In this propaganda-meets-Road House period piece, Patrick Swayze and Charlie Sheen fight the Russians, who have invaded and largely occupied the United States in the late 80’s. Part of me wishes that this had happened, as I would be one step closer to a lifelong dream: living in a country where Patrick Swayze is on the currency.

So wherever you are now, thank you.

And thank you for taking baby out of the corner so a generation of girls had something to talk about. Thank you for showing Johnny Utah that a man with a dream only needed good timing, loyal friends and a president’s mask to rob banks and finance an endless summer. Thank you for speaking through Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost, which was funny enough, but your pottery scene inspired more comedic parodies than I can count. And some that I’m ashamed to admit watching.

But most of all, thanks for being Patrick Swayze.

– Mister Zach Ward

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Hardee’s Hole Lotta Love.

13 09 2009

Hardee’s (wikipedia) — You have done it!

You have lowered the marketing bar and used the timeless “gross-out” technique in an attempt to stir my hunger. I wish I could count the number of times I have awoken next to my beautiful wife, looked at her and thought Is this going to be an A-hole or B-hole kind of morning?

Oh wait, I can do that… ZERO!  That has never happened.

Yeah, yeah it’s funny to hear someone say that A-holes taste funny and are small and nasty.  I’ll admit I laughed at B-holes being tasty and flavorful and the dude saying he’s a B-hole kinda guy. However, my next reaction was not “Let’s eat”. Those adjectives aren’t setting my taste buds a flame for any type of holes. There’s a whole marketing campaign around naming these things. You can go to NameOurHoles.com and suggest names. Some of the funnier ones: Goody Balls, Hole Munchers, Sweet Balls, Iced B-Holes, Cinnanuts, and my personal favorite… Glory Holes. Again, HI-larious but it sounds more like what you would find browsing the culinary section of the adult film store. What’s next… pinch a Loaf chocolate banana bread???

chocolate_banana_bread

Ewwwww.

– Mister Jeremy McDonald








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