KEVIN LAUE: New York’s Next Basketball Star

4 06 2009

Watch out, Dwight Howard. You may think you’re on top of the world after beating the Cavs and making it to the NBA Finals this week, but your moment in the sun is about to be over. 

The future of basketball is here and his name is Kevin Laue.  Laue just signed with Manhattan College (Go Jaspers!) to lead their program to dominate the Metro Atlantic Athletic Conference (The MAAC:  If you’re a college in a city and aren’t already in the ACC, PLEASE JOIN OUR CONFERENCE!  WE NEED MORE SCHOOLS!).  But Kevin Laue isn’t going to lead his team with that old, slow, weak style of basketball that the dinosaurs of the NBA like Howard and Kobe Bryant play.  That clumsy, two-handed game that’s been infuriating basketball fans for the last 40 years. 

No, Kevin Laue plays basketball with ONE HAND.

You heard me right.  ONE EFFING HAND.  Kevin Laue was born with a normal right arm and a left arm that ends just past the elbow.  This 6-foot-10 kid from California spent the last year putting up 10 points and five rebounds a game against Division I prospects, many to all of whom had both of their hands with which they could use to dribble, shoot, and pass the basketball with.

Whats the Emmy for Jerry?  CSI: NY or Cold Case?

What's the Emmy for Jerry? CSI: NY or Cold Case?

I can’t wait to see Laue’s first game.  I love this kid.  BUT, I must say that I think there is an ulterior motive to his recruitment.  I know Manhattan coach Barry Rohrssen (Dad, are you sure our last name isn’t supposed to have more vowels in it?) didn’t sign him for his great post game, but beacuse of a secret under the table deal with Jerry Bruckheimer.  Yes, THE Jerry Bruckheimer, producer of blockbuster hits Armageddon, Pirates of the Carribean, and the sure to be hit G-Force (Trained spy-guinea pigs fighting billionaire industrialist and FBI interferance.  It’s just what this country needs right now).  He also produced Remember the Titans and Glory Road, and this is just his way of making sure Hand Check: The Kevin Laue Story is his next 100 million-dollar sports movie.

I can plot out the movie in my head.  Mr. and Mrs. Laue are rushing to the hospital, sweat pouring down the mother’s face as they go through whatever new age breathing technique was popular in 1991.  The dad is reassuring her, but she looks into his eyes and says, “Dale (I don’t know his dad’s name so I’m guessing it’s Dale), something’s not right.”  She gives birth and the nurses gasp in shock, then the doctor presents the tiny one-armed baby to his mother, and she says, “We’ll name him…Kevin.”  Cue title and a montage of pictures of Kevin as a kid learning to adapt to his disability and more happy images.

We see him mocked in high school at first, getting called Captain Hook or Dr. Kimble (Get it?  A Fugitive reference.  I love that movie!).  Stuff happens, he plays basketball, then he meets an inspirational coach who sees in him, we meet the kooky characters Kevin has to lead, more basketball gets played, and then somehow the team makes it to the conference finals.  With a trip to the Big Dance on the line, Kevin has to lead this rough and tumble team against the dirtiest team in the conference (The MAAC: Play dirty.  We dont care.  WE NEED MORE SCHOOLS!).  The game goes back and forth, basketball happens, and then it’s 10 seconds left and the Jaspers have the ball, down by one.  Coach Rohrssen draws up a play for the point guard to take the last shot.  They run theplay and the guard blows his knee out, tears his ACL, sprains his ankle, or gets a concussion instantly.  All he has time to do is see Kevin and throw the ball up for an alley oop.  Kevin goes up but the guy defending him grabs his hand, no chance of him getting it, but then you see a close-up of the ball and the end of his handless left arm go up and tip the ball in to win the game.  Everyone cheers, the audience cries and Bruckheimer laughs his way to the bank.

I may come off a little bit jaded, but I can’t wait to see this kid play. 

I just ordered my very own Jasper jersey and I will be ready in November to watch Manhattan hit the court. MAAC Basketball: Where amazing happens, and where WE NEED MORE SCHOOLS!

– Mister Kyle Chorpening

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