Have you met my news boyfriend, Richard Engel?

25 06 2009
He looks good in a suit.

He looks good in a suit.

I know I’m not the only one watching the Iran election controversy and outraged by the Iranian government’s response. I’m waiting, wishing and hoping for the people of Iran -hoping that there will be some overwhelming change that will benefit them. I honestly care.  Seriously. I try extremely hard to be educated and aware. BUT…I am also fluffing my sofa pillows, grabbing some fresh strawberries, stretching out and waiting for my “news” boyfriend, Richard Engel, to tell me more about it.

 

Somehow the world’s tyranny doesn’t seem as awful when Richard Engel talks about it. 

 

 His delicious smile and tasty athletic build make we want to gobble the news right up, get full and have a news baby with him.

The great thing is as NBC’s head foreign correspondent I see him all day.  There he is at 6 AM with Mika and Joe (Morning Joe now sponsored by Starbucks) and during the day, with the Today Show, and then at night with Chris Matthews and Rachel Maddow. I can see my main man 24/7 with this news cycle. I can tell when he looks tired. I know when he is hanging in Cairo. He is after all my news man boyfriend.

He looks good in a flak jacket.

AND he looks good in a flak jacket.

I’ve read this heartbreaker’s history. He married his Stanford college sweetheart and then worked too much and ignored her. Believe you me I get that; I’m so used to being ignored. In fact, Richard has virtually ignored me since we met. Don’t worry just like the US and its foreign interests, I’m fickle. I’m not looking for anything too long term. 

But, as long as Iran is in election turmoil and there are troops in Iraq and Afghanistan, I’ll see him. Actually, Richard and I’ve been virtually together everyday over the last few weeks.  I want you to know that while I’m taking a shower, doing my hair and putting on my best “come hither” outfit that I’m thinking of the Iranian people too.   Richard would insist that I do.  And no, I never refer to him as Dick, at least not yet…here’s hoping.

– Mister Paula Pazderka

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To boldly go.

22 06 2009

April and I finally got around to seeing the new Star Trek.  When we got back, we went onto to YouTube to see this:

But then we stumbled upon something incredible.  Apparently there are dozens of videos where fans have taken footage of the original show and added fart sound effects.  Literally dozens of videos, some longer than five minutes.  Some are even re-editted in order to make fart/gas-centric storylines.  Here is a quick example that I believe sums up the whole phenomenon:

Incredible.  Just incredible.  If you’re interested in more Star Trek fart videos (again, there’s much more), a search for “Star Trek fart” will give you hours of this kind of stuff.





I Can Has Proof Read?

18 06 2009

About a month ago The Herald-Sun ran this article on its front page.  Upon reading it, you may say to yourself “Wow, I know times is tough, but a 13% literacy rate?!? That seems unbelievable.” Well, guess what, it is. The first sentence of the article makes it overly clear that the headline should have read “Durham’s basic ILLITERACY rate at 13%.” Turns out only 13% of Durhamites can’t read, not 87%.

I’m guessing at least one of them thinks he works at the Harold-Son.

Okay, we all know that Carrboro is full of yuppies and hipsters, but let’s not forget about another group of nonconformists the town has to offer. That’s right, the emo kids. That’s not the sound of a squirrel on the Weaver Street lawn, it’s an emo kid weeping softly to himself while Bright Eyes pounds through the speakers of his iPod. On this particular night, it looks like local favorite Elmo’s will be serving up burgers, charred black like their soul and served with a side of inner self-loathing.

Fucking yum.

Chapel Hill parking sucks.

However, from the looks of it, good ole Balfour Beatty Construction might be doing everyone a kindly little favor. The mysterious black curtain clues me into the fact that they probably don’t want me to park here, but with a sign expounding ZERO CONSEQUENCES for doing so, this offer might be too good to refuse.

 

Mister John Reitz





Sectional But Equal

9 06 2009

Have you ever wandered into a Rooms-To-Go or a RoomStore and had this dilemma: “I really like the look of this recliner but will my black friends feel the same?” or “Man this love seat is comfy but will my white neighbors be able to relax in it??” I know I have. Furniture shopping can be so frustrating, especially when you’re trying to buy something that spans racial barriers. More than that, I just want a place I can shop for furniture without all the racial tension. Well folks, my prayers have been answered…

“At the RED HOUSE!”

Now I can shop confident in the fact that all my purchases will suit everyone that walks into my home. Now the only colors I see are for ottomans and sleeper sofas, and my chase lounge can speak volumes for my household’s push toward equality.

I think I feel most liberated by the fact that I no longer have to be bound by the tyrannical and unjust ways of one certain furniture company…

ikea

… who only designs furniture for blue people.

Support Rhett and Link, the guys behind The Red House clip.

– Mister Jeremy McDonald





Slam Poets hijack Diplomat

8 06 2009

MISTER DIPLOMAT welcomes a group of Local North Carolina Slam Poets on stage at DSI Comedy Theater this Friday at 930PM. You should make plans now. Last week Patrick Wilson, one of the featured poets, surprised the audience with a poem and the crowd went crazy.

Friday June 12: 4 poets, 4 poems & a Bunch of comedy.

To get you excited I found two great clips from Def Poetry Jam. Enjoy.

Dave Chappelle

Talib Kweli

– Mister Zach Ward





A Brief Introduction to Negative Numbers

5 06 2009

The other day I was helping the eight year old that I watch with her math homework. She was adding and subtracting two digits-ah the memories. Most of the problems were things like “89-57,” but one of the last questions was “47-65.” This eight year old was utterly perplexed and asked me to help. “Oh,” I said “It’s going to be a negative number.” But Zehra, the eight year old was no less confused. Negative numbers, how do you explain that to an eight year old?

Where do I know negative numbers from?

“Okay, do you know what a bank account is?” (Because that’s where I see negative numbers the most.) “No,” she said. Oh course, you’re eight, and not an Oleson so why would you know what a bank account is. So I had a new idea: “Imagine if you had four dollars, but you spent six, you’d have negative two dollars!” I was confident that this would explain the situation. “That’s ridiculous, how do you spend six dollars if you only have four?! It’s impossible!” That’s a really good question Zehra, but it happens a lot; especially by the Federal Government.  A simple question from an eight year old, employing simple logic tripped me up.

And it reminded me of a recent sketch from snl:

http://www.hulu.com/watch/1389/saturday-night-live-dont-buy-stuff


You’re right Zehra, spending six dollars when I only have four is ridiculous, but unfortunately not impossible. Welcome to the world of negative numbers.

Now who wants to go shopping?

– Mister Mary Sasson





KEVIN LAUE: New York’s Next Basketball Star

4 06 2009

Watch out, Dwight Howard. You may think you’re on top of the world after beating the Cavs and making it to the NBA Finals this week, but your moment in the sun is about to be over. 

The future of basketball is here and his name is Kevin Laue.  Laue just signed with Manhattan College (Go Jaspers!) to lead their program to dominate the Metro Atlantic Athletic Conference (The MAAC:  If you’re a college in a city and aren’t already in the ACC, PLEASE JOIN OUR CONFERENCE!  WE NEED MORE SCHOOLS!).  But Kevin Laue isn’t going to lead his team with that old, slow, weak style of basketball that the dinosaurs of the NBA like Howard and Kobe Bryant play.  That clumsy, two-handed game that’s been infuriating basketball fans for the last 40 years. 

No, Kevin Laue plays basketball with ONE HAND.

You heard me right.  ONE EFFING HAND.  Kevin Laue was born with a normal right arm and a left arm that ends just past the elbow.  This 6-foot-10 kid from California spent the last year putting up 10 points and five rebounds a game against Division I prospects, many to all of whom had both of their hands with which they could use to dribble, shoot, and pass the basketball with.

Whats the Emmy for Jerry?  CSI: NY or Cold Case?

What's the Emmy for Jerry? CSI: NY or Cold Case?

I can’t wait to see Laue’s first game.  I love this kid.  BUT, I must say that I think there is an ulterior motive to his recruitment.  I know Manhattan coach Barry Rohrssen (Dad, are you sure our last name isn’t supposed to have more vowels in it?) didn’t sign him for his great post game, but beacuse of a secret under the table deal with Jerry Bruckheimer.  Yes, THE Jerry Bruckheimer, producer of blockbuster hits Armageddon, Pirates of the Carribean, and the sure to be hit G-Force (Trained spy-guinea pigs fighting billionaire industrialist and FBI interferance.  It’s just what this country needs right now).  He also produced Remember the Titans and Glory Road, and this is just his way of making sure Hand Check: The Kevin Laue Story is his next 100 million-dollar sports movie.

I can plot out the movie in my head.  Mr. and Mrs. Laue are rushing to the hospital, sweat pouring down the mother’s face as they go through whatever new age breathing technique was popular in 1991.  The dad is reassuring her, but she looks into his eyes and says, “Dale (I don’t know his dad’s name so I’m guessing it’s Dale), something’s not right.”  She gives birth and the nurses gasp in shock, then the doctor presents the tiny one-armed baby to his mother, and she says, “We’ll name him…Kevin.”  Cue title and a montage of pictures of Kevin as a kid learning to adapt to his disability and more happy images.

We see him mocked in high school at first, getting called Captain Hook or Dr. Kimble (Get it?  A Fugitive reference.  I love that movie!).  Stuff happens, he plays basketball, then he meets an inspirational coach who sees in him, we meet the kooky characters Kevin has to lead, more basketball gets played, and then somehow the team makes it to the conference finals.  With a trip to the Big Dance on the line, Kevin has to lead this rough and tumble team against the dirtiest team in the conference (The MAAC: Play dirty.  We dont care.  WE NEED MORE SCHOOLS!).  The game goes back and forth, basketball happens, and then it’s 10 seconds left and the Jaspers have the ball, down by one.  Coach Rohrssen draws up a play for the point guard to take the last shot.  They run theplay and the guard blows his knee out, tears his ACL, sprains his ankle, or gets a concussion instantly.  All he has time to do is see Kevin and throw the ball up for an alley oop.  Kevin goes up but the guy defending him grabs his hand, no chance of him getting it, but then you see a close-up of the ball and the end of his handless left arm go up and tip the ball in to win the game.  Everyone cheers, the audience cries and Bruckheimer laughs his way to the bank.

I may come off a little bit jaded, but I can’t wait to see this kid play. 

I just ordered my very own Jasper jersey and I will be ready in November to watch Manhattan hit the court. MAAC Basketball: Where amazing happens, and where WE NEED MORE SCHOOLS!

– Mister Kyle Chorpening








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