Pittsburgh Pirates: DISNEY Ending?

13 04 2009

It’s been a full week since the season opener for the Pittsburgh Pirates (April 6th), and this year stands to be a spectacle.

First off, don’t get me wrong; I’m not really a baseball fan, except to say that I am quite fond of the movie The Sandlot. (That James Earl Jones can’t seem to do wrong.) But when a dear friend of mine recently moved to San Francisco to work for the Giants I made a deal with him: I’d follow the Giants and the Pirates if he did the same, so that we’ll have something to keep us connected. First he was skeptical, follow that Pirates? “They’re just a glorified Minor League Team!” he said. Glorified Minor League Team? That’s insulting to Minor League Teams everywhere; he was being too generous.

sinead-snl1But the Pittsburgh Pirates stand to make history with this season. Should the Pirates finish below 500, it will be a record 17th season. To put that into perspective, seventeen years ago Sinead O’Connor ripped up a picture of Pope John Paul II on Saturday Night LIVE (picture to the right, Happy Easter), Dan Quail erroneously corrected the spelling of potato, and somewhere in Dallas, Texas a boy was born who would grow up to form a band with his two brothers that would harold an age of pop music so bad that it somehow signaled to NKOTB (New Kid on the Block) the time was ripe to come out of retirement.

It’s been that long.

air-bud-pirates

Why is this team able to continue to lose in record numbers? Well, a Sports Illustrated article illuminated a piece of the puzzle for me. Recently two men from India who were trained javelin throwers won a contest in India by throwing a ball at speeds of 90 mph. These men were then invited to America in an attempt to learn baseball and pitching. To be sure, they have never played baseball, let alone thrown a baseball before a year ago. After some training they performed for some MLB scouts. Apparently no one was impressed, they were nervous, threw wild pitches and failed to throw at speeds previously recorded. YET, the Pirates snatched them both up. Because apparently, never playing baseball before makes you almost TOO qualified for the Pirates.

And yet, despite all of this I’m optimistic. Because if I understand the formula of a Disney movie (and I do) our pitifully comic performance for the past 16 years puts us in prime position to come from behind and win it all.  All we need is for some deadbeat dad to promise his son that he’ll take up his parental responsibilities again if the Pirates win the pennant. Or for some kid to break his arm to reveal superhuman pitching skills and let Gary Busey’s mentoring magic ensue. If all else fails just get an animal, preferably a dog, which can hit/throw/bat better than the average player; I don’t think it’ll be hard to find. Where the hell is Air Bud when you need him anyways?

– Mister Mary Sasson

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One response

20 04 2009
gregbrainos

Soooooo funny. And true!

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