Kittens, Memaw, and Holes – Oh to be a kid again!

24 04 2009

Recently, I had the opportunity to experience: ‘Kittens inspired by Kittens!’

And after several viewings and distributions of the clip to my friends and loved ones, I began to reminisce of my childhood, a time where you could just say what was on your mind. Back then, there was no fear of offending someone or being ‘PC’ about your comments.  There were no “should I or should I not” debates; it was just “Hey, I’ve got and idea I’d like to share…” and BOOM, there it was -out in the open for everyone to process in all its glory.

My memaw had one just like this.

My memaw had one just like this.

 I’ve been told by my memaw that one day while she was pushing me in the shopping cart at the local grocery, we ran into one of her friends. As an inquisitive toddler, I noticed the man had a hole in his overalls. This begged the question, “Why doesn’t your momma sew up your hole there?”    

 The nice man’s response,  “Well, son, my momma isn’t living anymore.”

My memaw also had one just like this.

My memaw also had one just like this.

The obvious next question… ”Who shot her?”   My intent wasn’t rude after-all I was a southern gentleman in training.  In my world of limited knowledge, there were certain facts: moms sewed holes and death only occurred via gunshots.

Also, there’s no logic or rationale in a child’s thought process.

My memaw only liked Decipitcons.

My memaw only liked Decipitcons.

Boy gets home from school and proclaims “I hate Phillip!” Mom is quick to probe, why, of course. Boys says, “Cause he wouldn’t let me use the green crayon.” You see the use of the green crayon was the barometer of they day’s success. When that doesn’t happen…WTF, “friend”? But tomorrow, the boys will be ‘bestest” of friends again. “Why?” you ask. Cause Phillip wore a Voltron shirt! Duh!

– Mister Jeremy McDonald





Does Susan Boyle Remind You of 1989 too?

21 04 2009

What is there *not* to like about the Susan Boyle from Britain’s Got Talent story? Who doesn’t love an underdog? And, Susan Boyle has underdog attributes in spades. Spade? Or Neutered?

She’s been classified as a frumpy Scottish spinster catapulted to stardom. She has a voice like an angel they say. I want to believe in her and believe that she does, but we must not forget the last time we were tricked by voices of angels.

I can’t forget the last time I believed in European singers!

The year: 1989, The “singers”: Grammy Award-winners Milli Vanilli.

milli-vanilli-thumbs-up

I believed they were young beautiful people that could make music. I idolized them; I mimicked their swaying dance with my friends. So you may ask, Hey Paula, isn’t this the opposite of Milli Vanilli? Isn’t this an older, average (nay, less than average) woman who is singing? And yes, Yes. It is. And that’s exactly what concerns me; it is just a little too opposite, if you know what I mean.

Just imagine a microphone in that robot claw

Just imagine a microphone in that robot claw

Don’t get me wrong, I really want her to  be a spinster that wears nurse-like shoes, that has never been kissed and that lives alone with her cat… in a collection of villages… somewhere in England.

Unfortunately, I have some grave concerns about her story. We haven’t heard her sing anything but that song from Les Miserables. What if she is the singing equivalent of a one hit wonder and that is the only song she can sing? Or worse what if she is a Simon Cowell Robot stardom machine? Simon Cowell is just that powerful to create a woman with a forty seven year history, a hope from a dying mother, all in an unemployed charity worker package.

We can easily see Simon’s inspiration too. Susan looks all too similar to the Jetson’s beloved robot maid, Rosie.  They have the same body type.  They have open mouths and the same hair.  They both have captured America’s heart and they are both robots. The end is near.

– Mister Paula Pazderka





Multimedia LOVE for Carolina, 2009 NCAA Champs: GO TAR HEELS!

20 04 2009

Mister Diplomat proudly supports the Tar Heels.

These AWESOME people do too.

(more claymation magic from Jess Hanlin)

Consider MrD if you want voice over help for ANY future Duke-bashing projects.

tarheel-neon-jrees

(check the full size photo from jrees on Flickr)

UNC 2009 NEON covers the desktop of ALL Mister Diplomat HQ computers.

go-time-ncaa-tarheels

(download the mix by One Duran from WXYC)

GO TIME playlist kicks off with Kurtis Blow (Basketball excerpt), House of Pain, Gangstarr, Talib Kweli & Jean Grae and includes President Obama bracketology and Coach Williams post-game locker room speech.

– Mister Diplomat





Family Dog? Or Rise of an Old Imperial Power? Whitehouse Invasion!

14 04 2009
What happens when you combine the deadly water moccasin and Portugal’s desire to return to the lime light of global power and influence?  You get a ticking time bomb in the form of the White House’s new dog: 
Bo, an adorably EVIL Portuguese Water Dog.
Glen Beck would notice you can't see the white's of this dog's eyes.   How can Barack trust that?

Glen Beck would notice you can't see the white's of this dog's eyes. How can Barack trust that?

Need we be reminded that Portugal was once a ruthless global empire? 

Lying dormant for over a century, Portugal may have just lulled the world into false sense of security.  We think we know what to expect from Portugal, but it has been waiting, plotting, getting ready to make a move of EPIC proportions. Using a pet may seem unprecedented, but it is merely a modern twist on the Trojan Horse. Not since the Aviz dynasty (Aviz dynasty? Anyone?) Not since the Aviz dynasty has the world seen Portugal make a grab for power like this.

Portugal is wise to use Sasha’s and Malia’s adorable love to bring down the most powerful man in the world. He’ll have to choose between his daughters, the country, and his “best friend”. Portugal’s inspired quest to turn United States into its colony just might bring Barack to his knees. Yes They Can.

It will all come to a head on Air Force One when Bo will shed his skin and show his true colors.  The battle will combine movie classics Air Force One and Snakes on a Plane. Barack will have to save his family, his life, and the free world. We will all be on the edge of our seats as this is coming Summer 2009.

– Mister Paula Pazderka





Pittsburgh Pirates: DISNEY Ending?

13 04 2009

It’s been a full week since the season opener for the Pittsburgh Pirates (April 6th), and this year stands to be a spectacle.

First off, don’t get me wrong; I’m not really a baseball fan, except to say that I am quite fond of the movie The Sandlot. (That James Earl Jones can’t seem to do wrong.) But when a dear friend of mine recently moved to San Francisco to work for the Giants I made a deal with him: I’d follow the Giants and the Pirates if he did the same, so that we’ll have something to keep us connected. First he was skeptical, follow that Pirates? “They’re just a glorified Minor League Team!” he said. Glorified Minor League Team? That’s insulting to Minor League Teams everywhere; he was being too generous.

sinead-snl1But the Pittsburgh Pirates stand to make history with this season. Should the Pirates finish below 500, it will be a record 17th season. To put that into perspective, seventeen years ago Sinead O’Connor ripped up a picture of Pope John Paul II on Saturday Night LIVE (picture to the right, Happy Easter), Dan Quail erroneously corrected the spelling of potato, and somewhere in Dallas, Texas a boy was born who would grow up to form a band with his two brothers that would harold an age of pop music so bad that it somehow signaled to NKOTB (New Kid on the Block) the time was ripe to come out of retirement.

It’s been that long.

air-bud-pirates

Why is this team able to continue to lose in record numbers? Well, a Sports Illustrated article illuminated a piece of the puzzle for me. Recently two men from India who were trained javelin throwers won a contest in India by throwing a ball at speeds of 90 mph. These men were then invited to America in an attempt to learn baseball and pitching. To be sure, they have never played baseball, let alone thrown a baseball before a year ago. After some training they performed for some MLB scouts. Apparently no one was impressed, they were nervous, threw wild pitches and failed to throw at speeds previously recorded. YET, the Pirates snatched them both up. Because apparently, never playing baseball before makes you almost TOO qualified for the Pirates.

And yet, despite all of this I’m optimistic. Because if I understand the formula of a Disney movie (and I do) our pitifully comic performance for the past 16 years puts us in prime position to come from behind and win it all.  All we need is for some deadbeat dad to promise his son that he’ll take up his parental responsibilities again if the Pirates win the pennant. Or for some kid to break his arm to reveal superhuman pitching skills and let Gary Busey’s mentoring magic ensue. If all else fails just get an animal, preferably a dog, which can hit/throw/bat better than the average player; I don’t think it’ll be hard to find. Where the hell is Air Bud when you need him anyways?

– Mister Mary Sasson





Jeff Goldblum Erection on Easter

12 04 2009

No, this post is not about Jeff Goldblum. Nor is it about erections.

It’s certainly not about Jeff Goldblum’s Erection (not in the way you think). It’s about the power of the Google Mothership and the fact that someone on Easter Sunday, the 12th of April in the Year of our Lord Two Thousand Ought Nine, decided to Google “Jeff Goldblum Erection” and was directed to an entry by Andy Lavender on the Mister Diplomat blog. Read the posts here.

THE SEARCH for "Jeff Goldblum Erection"
THE SEARCH for “Jeff Goldblum Erection”

During a routine scan of the old wordpress stats, Mister Diplomat doesn’t expect “Jeff Goldblum Erection” to be in the list of search terms that has driven traffic to the blog. But what does Mister Diplomat do? Well, we google “Jeff Goldblum Erection” ourselves, just to see how deep the pervert actually went, scouring the pages of said Google Search to get to what turns out to be the ONLY credible source on the Erection of the Honorable Jeff Goldblum (and his Independence Day Action Figure). Maybe the “Grappling Hook” / “Rocket Launcher” that comes with his action figure could be used as an animated erection in some Japanese cartoon sequence. You know, the cartoons with the teething octo-penises. Too far?

Btw — we only had to go down 6 links.

NOT pages, 6 links. MisterDiplomat.com came up 6th on the FIRST page.

And this person out there, whoever You are, Man or Woman, YOU Googled “Jeff Goldblum Erection” on Easter Sunday. ON Easter Sunday?! Was the egg hunt that much of a turn-on? Too much chocolate you couldn’t handle the pressure of pleasuring yourself during the late afternoon (EST) without inspiration? And of ALL the inspiration on the whole wide internet you were looking for an image or (in our case) a “humorous” article about the erect 57 year-old phallus of the man behind Earth Girls Are Easy and The Adventures of Buckaroo Bonzai? Well, please introduce yourself. We’d love to buy you a cheap beer at our next show. You’re the exact type of audience member we’ve been dreaming about.

Now, back to the routine Easter stats check. He is risen. Jeff Goldblum.

– Mister Diplomat





JORTS: Your Fashion MUST-HAVE This Spring!

6 04 2009

Guest post by the girl with Two Thumbs, Molly Buckley.

++++++++++++

IT’S FINALLY SPRING (unless you live in Denver)! Ah, I love spring. Who doesn’t? Single people, that’s who. Well, since the warm weather has finally arrived for us who live below the Mason-Dixon line, it’s time that you became savvy to the warm weather clothing lingo. I, personally, plan on busting all of the following fashions out when I hit the streets this April & May.

Mullet Sold Separately.

Mullet Sold Separately.

 

1. JORTS: Jean Shorts. You know them, you love them, hipsters and never nudes bathe in them. They are a staple of every man, woman, and child’s wardrobe. Barbeque’s, horseshoe matches, and weekend antiquing would be lost without the stylish addition of JORTS.

2. BJORTS: Black Jean Shorts. Black jeans? Awesome. Jean shorts? Sweet. Black jean shorts? Awesomely sweet.

3. COJORTS: Cut-Off Jean Shorts. Ah, the cut-off jean short. By far one of my favorite items to sport in warm weather. Taking an old pair of those “favorite” jeans, cutting off the shins, and then hitting a farmer’s market always makes for a great Saturday. Oh, and be sure to fray the ends because your COJORTS can always use that extra flare.

4. AWJORTS: Acid Washed Jean Shorts. I love the 80’s. Who didn’t? Scott Baio, that’s who. But he’s neither here nor there. Acid washed jeans are no longer a thing of the past with this reinvented trend. By acid washing YOUR JORTS you’re saying, “I’m proud, confident, and I live a no-fear active lifestyle.”

Hes winning with style in baggy black jean shorts.

He's winning with style in baggy black jean shorts.

5. BAGJORTS: These shorts are to the floor with style. The baggy jean short is intended for tall rappers and Protestant thugs. Only to be worn in conjunction with shirts purchased from Bass Pro Shops or DTLR.

6. OJORTS: Overall Jean Shorts. This classic doo-dad is not for the faint of heart. Only the bravest and strongest of fashionistas can sport OJORTS in the right way. Even American Gothic wouldn’t be able to correctly sport the OJORTS. For example, stars like Rihanna, Kid Rock, and Ann Coulter would be able to successfully wear this fashion. Kid Rock with his country-rebel persona, Rihanna with her tough heart, and Ann Coulter with her large feet — all of these qualities are important when sporting OJORTS.

As your unofficial-official-seasonal-fashion-consultant, it is my hope that I have adequately prepared you for hitting the streets this Spring in style. And remember, always walk, chew, and speak with confidence. Let those around you say, “Man, that guy has style AND poise. And WHERE did he/she get his/her shorts?”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go dust off my fashion body suits and jellies.








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