Dunkin Donuts, Soy Milk, ShamWow

28 03 2009

Today I decided to stay in. Rainy day. Late to get up. Lazy afternoon.

I did however need coffee. I just bought a coffee maker from Sunbeam (what a nice brand…) last week and had yet to make a pot of coffee. My new good friend Tom Booker (Institution Theater, Austin TX) introduced me to the fancy low country world of Folgers CINNAMON SWIRL and I wanted some. I went to the grocery store near my house only to realize that the demographic for that particular store doesn’t support Folgers “fancy coffee choice”. It did however support Dunkin Donuts French Vanilla in the sealed pouch. SOLD! I only get Dunkin when I’m lucky enough to be in Chicago or Philadelphia.

dunkin-donuts-coffeeBut as soon as I got home I realized that I was going to drink Dunkin Donuts French Vanilla Roast coffee after creaming it with Vanilla Soy Milk. Could I possibly understand the impact of the Industrial Coffee that drives America colliding with the Lactose-FREE cream that walks to work with Carrboro? Not to mention, Too much vanilla? I pushed forward. The aroma of Vanilla Caffeine filled the home office and I could not wait to drink it up. Now 3 cups in and I’m jittery but relaxed, excited but calm, motivated but intensely focused and zen about the prospect of task management. I am doing 5 things at once: responding to emails, watching music videos on Youtube, listening to standup comedy on the old iHome and blogging for MrD while reading about how the ShamWow guy got charged with assault after a Hooker (er… Prostitute, Lady of the Night, Escort) BIT HIM ON THE LIP!

Apparently he paid her $1000 for straight-sex but she got too rough and he punched her repeatedly just to get her off… his lip. My good friend and comic Jeffrey Gray said that sounds like the only thing the ShamWow won’t clean up: HOOKER BLOOD. But Vince doesn’t just promote the ShamTowel. He also sells America’s favorite dicer and slicer. The Slap Chop! In the infomercial he says, “YOU’RE GONNA LOVE MY NUTS!” He also says, “THE SKIN COMES RIGHT OFF!” He adds, “THIS IS MAKING YOU CRY AND MAKING ME CRY. LIFE’S HARD ENOUGH. YOU DON’T WANT TO CRY ANYMORE!” Did he say all of these things before the cops came?

Back to my ironic coffee and comedy.

– Mister Zach Ward




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