Did Fast and Furious name Jesus Christ the ORIGINAL Drift King?

30 03 2009

How do you feel when you realize a song you enjoy bleeds Christian lyrics? 

And no, Not just themes. I’m talking salvation, sacrifice and the Lord, with the line, “I’m callin’ on the Savior to be all that I need.” Oh man! And I thought I was just enjoying Bow Wow and a Hulk themed car coming out of a BADASS garage in Japan. I don’t not like God. But I don’t like my Christian chocolate in my Entertainment peanut butter. Or vice versa. Ya’ heard?

Do my personal hero VIN DIESEL and Paul Walker know that Jesus somehow found his way into their tricked out cars and moral lessons based on speed and the code of the street? Has N.O.S. become a metaphor for being Born Again? Is Christ the Drift King of Kings? Sliding effortlessly on the Road of Life as if moments speed up and slow down like a dance for those of us who accept Him. What am I saying?!

I am REALLY looking forward to the Fast and Furious release this weekend. I would have loved to see a cameo by Ludacris, but I realize that not all dreams come true. I’m just not sure if I can take the infusion of Bible Beats that powered Tokyo Drift.

Was the idea of a song “bleeding” Christian lyrics too far?

– Mister Zach Ward





Dunkin Donuts, Soy Milk, ShamWow

28 03 2009

Today I decided to stay in. Rainy day. Late to get up. Lazy afternoon.

I did however need coffee. I just bought a coffee maker from Sunbeam (what a nice brand…) last week and had yet to make a pot of coffee. My new good friend Tom Booker (Institution Theater, Austin TX) introduced me to the fancy low country world of Folgers CINNAMON SWIRL and I wanted some. I went to the grocery store near my house only to realize that the demographic for that particular store doesn’t support Folgers “fancy coffee choice”. It did however support Dunkin Donuts French Vanilla in the sealed pouch. SOLD! I only get Dunkin when I’m lucky enough to be in Chicago or Philadelphia.

dunkin-donuts-coffeeBut as soon as I got home I realized that I was going to drink Dunkin Donuts French Vanilla Roast coffee after creaming it with Vanilla Soy Milk. Could I possibly understand the impact of the Industrial Coffee that drives America colliding with the Lactose-FREE cream that walks to work with Carrboro? Not to mention, Too much vanilla? I pushed forward. The aroma of Vanilla Caffeine filled the home office and I could not wait to drink it up. Now 3 cups in and I’m jittery but relaxed, excited but calm, motivated but intensely focused and zen about the prospect of task management. I am doing 5 things at once: responding to emails, watching music videos on Youtube, listening to standup comedy on the old iHome and blogging for MrD while reading about how the ShamWow guy got charged with assault after a Hooker (er… Prostitute, Lady of the Night, Escort) BIT HIM ON THE LIP!

Apparently he paid her $1000 for straight-sex but she got too rough and he punched her repeatedly just to get her off… his lip. My good friend and comic Jeffrey Gray said that sounds like the only thing the ShamWow won’t clean up: HOOKER BLOOD. But Vince doesn’t just promote the ShamTowel. He also sells America’s favorite dicer and slicer. The Slap Chop! In the infomercial he says, “YOU’RE GONNA LOVE MY NUTS!” He also says, “THE SKIN COMES RIGHT OFF!” He adds, “THIS IS MAKING YOU CRY AND MAKING ME CRY. LIFE’S HARD ENOUGH. YOU DON’T WANT TO CRY ANYMORE!” Did he say all of these things before the cops came?

Back to my ironic coffee and comedy.

– Mister Zach Ward





Give Me That Fiiiiiish!

25 03 2009

You seen the new McDonald’s Filet o’ Fish commercial?

Pure. Genius.

I mean… How much could this have cost to produce? The actors say nothing, garage could have been yours or mine, and the Big Mouthed Billy Bass (SOLD OUT on Amazon) could have been purchased at a yard sale or flea market. Yet I find myself, all day, singing “Give me back that Filet o’ Fish… Give Me That Fiiiiish!”

And I don’t even like the sandwich. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love seafood.

I lived AT THE BEACH for 5 years and thrived off seafood, but must say I am a bit picky as to where I obtain my seafood. Two things I always consider is proximity to water and the restaurant’s specialty. Once you start putting some miles between you and the ocean, my burger to shrimp barometer gets pretty lopsided. Then there is the restaurant’s forte. While in Wilmington, we took my family to our favorite seafood place, and my uncle ordered… sesame chicken. “That’s funny uncle Chris, I don’t see any chopsticks or fortune cookies around.” Needless to say, he was less than impressed with his meal. Same goes when I walk into a Mickey D’s: no mounted swordfish, no pirate décor, and no hushpuppies!

But after viewing this commercial I started to second guess myself. 

Maybe I haven’t given the Filet o’ Fish a fair shake. Maybe McDonald’s has their own secret water source where they obtain their “fish”. Perhaps Grimace is a master fisherman and personally sees to it that the best filets are used. That American cheese and tartar sauce does add to the enticement. And that price, in this economy! Golden Arches… you win again, “Give me that Filet o Fish, Give Me That Fiiiiish!”

 

In fact, I'll take two.

In fact, I'll take two.

 

– Mister Jeremy McDonald





NCAA, The Snuggie picks Duke?

24 03 2009

I’ve talked about it before, but it needs to be put to bed. Literally. 

The Snuggie. I have come to terms with the fact that my dreams of the Snuggie hybrid are not going to be realized: The Snuggie made entirely out of ShamWows. Yes, The ShamWomForter. I know that my dream innovation might not be “cost effective” but something last week made me question the entire Blanket-Robe Industry. I went to Target and saw a Snuggie on the shelf. Who decided it was ready for retail? I guess the American public. But where was the online vote for Royal Blue as the color to achieve mass production?

I guarantee you Barack Obama doesn't have a Duke Blue Snuggie. Roy either.

I blog from deep inside Tar Heel country. And we’re in the middle of the NCAA Tournament. A contest where our own President Obama has picked the Tar Heels to win it all. Now, I’m not exactly saying a Carolina Blue Snuggie would be worn with pride (or even purchased in the first place), but no God-fearing Basketball fan in Chapel Hill would even think to purchase a Duke Blue Snuggie. And would a Blue Devil even think to purchase a $20 blanket with sleeves? I don’t think so.

I think The Snuggie has knowingly moved to subvert my 2009 NCAA brackets simply by entering the retail market. By creating a more relaxed Tournament viewing atmosphere — I mean, who can truly support the game of basketball from inside a sleeved-blanket? Nobody. The Snuggie has started THE END OF DAYS.

Call up Arnold Schwarzenegger (click to follow the Terminator on Twitter) and let’s start to fight back. In fact, I think The Snuggie might be preparing the Human populace for the uprising of Skynet. Imagine that Skynet turns to strike, Imagine The Snuggie turns to cocoon its victim, You! It could happen. Ok, maybe too far.

Anyway… Go Heels! Good luck Carolina. And good luck America.

– Mister Zach Ward





Drysdale ‘L Word’ Serenade

20 03 2009

It’s Long. It’s Loud. And the Lyrics are amazing.

It’s Not Safe for Work.

Double A props to Rebecca Drysdale (featured in Time Magazine, 2006) and her production team for this amazing clip, which Mister Diplomat just found online. If you’ve already seen it, Awesome. But I need it to get out there. 6 Seasons of ‘The L Word‘ on Showtime have inspired genius. Dirty. Sexual. Genius.

Rebecca Drysdale (Beck D) went from Ohio to France, Canada, then Chicago (short layover in Amsterdam) to New York City (formerly New Amsterdam) doing comedy now for over half her life. She has made people laugh at Boom Chicago in Amsterdam, Chicago’s Second City, iO, The Magnet, The PIT and The Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre, both in New York and Los Angeles.

Maybe North Carolina should be next. What do you think?

– Mister Zach Ward





When Local Blogs Attack

10 03 2009

Mister Diplomat was attacked by Ginny from the Blog last Friday.

GINNY from the Blog

GINNY from the Blog

Our show with Ginny was super fun. She told stories about Patti Blagojevich planting questions during a 2nd grade press conference; Working for the Associated Press, Ginny broke the news to (at the time) Senator Obama that he was running unopposed for the Senate; She talked about being a paid blogger (for NBC17), and about the stalking that comes with teh [sic] territory. Is there such a thing as “online” territory? The cast of Mister Diplomat took all those stories and improvised some REAL funny scenes. Easy when our guest sets us up FTW!

Anyway, Mister Diplomat has some amazing guests lined up for Spring.

And maybe we can drag Ginny back out, with some fancy beer convincing.

– Mister Zach Ward

 

 

* I may have used semi-colons incorrectly in this post. And incomplete sentences.








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