I Know Who You Did Last Summer

10 02 2009

Guest post from Comedian and former Diplomat Greg Brainos

greg_brainos

You know what I'm talking about.

As a male, I’m privy to certain pieces of information entrusted to me by the bonds of gender.  I know how to fix a leaky faucet (I just don’t want to do it, Debra).  I know it was that bitch Jackie that snitched you out to Social Services when you took your 4-year-old to see My Bloody Valentine 3D.  I know how to gut a fish, replace those guts with a mechanical frame, and mount the fish on the wall so when someone walks by it, they are serenaded with “Moon River” — FROM THE MOUTH OF A FISH.   

Oh, and I know exactly how attractive you are in the eyes of every man. 

If that man is drunk.

The Drunk Guy’s Rating Scale For Attractive Women was developed by Plato in 399 B.C., as a method of quantifying the attractiveness of a woman being viewed through the eyes of an intoxicated man.  Plato’s scale included only two category labels, “Fuck no!” and “Fuck yes!”

In 370 B.C., Plato’s student, Aristotle, further developed and expanded the scale to include the five category labels that lushed-up, horny males still use today.

1. “Fuck no!”
Even though you probably have a “great personality.”
    Examples: Camryn Manheim, Mo’Nique, the corpse of Jessica Tandy

2. “I’d hit that.”
Congratulations!  You are officially attractive enough for some inebriated stranger to sink his Baby Jessica into your well, but don’t expect cab fare.
    Examples: Linda Cohn, that pregnant girl from work

3. “I wouldn’t kick that out of bed.”
You, milady, are entitled to a good night’s rest — right after you finish making that sandwich.  
    Examples: Tina Fey, Laura Ingles Wilder, Sheryl Crow

4. “I’d fuck the shit out of her!”
This is where the attractiveness starts to pay off, in dick dollars.  Not only have you transcended the objectification of being a “that,” you’re also getting a free colon-cleansing.  That’s called movin’ on up, Jefferson-style! 
    Examples: Kate Beckinsale, Emmanuelle Chriqui, Kim Possible

5. “I’d fuck her in half!”
You are so goddamn beautiful that you’re about to get first-degree murdered by some drunk guy’s sword-cock (first-degree, because he’s obviously planned this; murder, because your body is in two separate parts).  Movie trivia fact — on the unrated Breakfast At Tiffany’s DVD, Holly Golightly gets fucked in half in one of the alternate endings.
    Examples: Erin Andrews, Faith Hill, Monica Bellucci, Stacy’s Mom

 

Catch Greg on stage THIS WEEK during the NC Comedy Arts Festival.





David After the Dentist REMIX

6 02 2009

Is this REAL life? Sounds like my college years.

I would like to admit to and/or officially claim responsibility for at least 100 of the 3 MILLION views this David After the Dentist has received on YouTube and probably that many on Facebook. I can’t help it. It speaks to me. 

“Kinda felt good. Didn’t it?” Sounds like the perfect line from that Dad, you know, the type of father who would sit back and watch the horror of what was clearly an incredibly bad trip. “Why’s this happening to me?!”

My first time on both acid and ecstasy, Halloween 1998 (when my arm was twisted by a college friend to candy flip — because you know, it was HALLOWEEN) I asked myself the same question that kid asks his Dad: “Is this going to be forever?”

It wasn’t and It didn’t.

But this REMIX could. And the world would be happy … FOREVER!

 

Oh yeah, don’t do drugs.

– Mister Zach Ward





Dear Porn Sites,

5 02 2009

Hi, my name is Andy.  I just wanted to address something before it becomes an issue between us.  I’m sure that you’ve noticed that whenever I visit I input a different birthdate for age verification.  Sometimes I was born in 1911, sometimes in 1983, sometimes in 1952.  But regardless of the date, I was always born on January 1st.  It may seem as though I’m just randomly picking any year before 1991 (18 years ago), not even bothering to enter in an exact date.  Let me assure you that this is not the case.  That would make me a liar.

You see, Porn Sites, I am a magical being.  I am a satyr.  Please visit the Wikipedia page about my kind.

Yes, I have goat legs.  I never wear shorts for this reason.  Yes, I have uncontrollable erections and an unsatiable lust for women.  And yes, I have control over my birthdate.  I can change it on a whim.  That’s not on the Wikipedia page, but whatever.

Wow, I’m glad that’s off my human-esque chest.  I hope this change anything between us, Porn Sites.  I stress again that I have uncontrollable erections.

Sincerely,

Andy “Goat Legs” Lavender





Mr T Goes to Hollywood

1 02 2009

Guest post from Comedian and former Diplomat Corey Brown

Good job!

Good job, Mr T!

I think Hollywood is making a huge mistake in the casting of most of their main characters. I say this because, after watching a lot of movies I can easily see Mr. T being the ideal candidate for the role.

I think Brad Pitt did a great job in Benjamin Button, but I think Mr. T could have slammed that character home. Imagine how T would look as an old man looking baby. How cute would all of those gold chains look around that backwards child? Answer: Very. Mr. T also wouldn’t have gone traipsing after Daisy either. He would have pitied that fool and found him a sugar momma closer to his adoptive home. This movie seriously lacked some Mr. T-atude.

Batman was probably the best movie of the year. I admire the work Heath Ledger did with the Joker Character, but come on Christopher Nolan, what about T? Batman would have been chumped had the T been on the opposite side. Yeah, the makeup would have looked a little bit silly and Mr. T sure as hell isn’t going to let his parents cut up his mouth like that, but the brutality of the fight scenes would have been amazing. I know you were thinking of story arc and all that other Hollywood BS that you worry about, but in what the T would have ruined story wise, he would have added that much more whoop-ass-ness.

Cloverfield. Project CloverT sounds like a winner to me.

Powder! Albino Mr. T? Duh, it works. 

Wall-E? How about Wall-T?

I think you get my point Hollywood. There isn’t any role that isn’t suited for the styling’s of Laurence Tureaud. Now where is my milk?

– New York Comedian Corey Brown


Mr. T would have pwned Frankie.








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