Guest post from Comedian and former Diplomat Greg Brainos
What's the deal with Monkeys?
Are you familiar with the Infinite Monkey Theorem? The IMT states that if you have a room filled with an infinite number of monkeys randomly typing at an infinite number of typewriters for an infinite amount of time, eventually, one of the monkeys will turn to another and say, “Hey, you know Shakespeare was gay, right?” You knew that about the IMT, right?
Ha! I tricked you! That’s not what the IMT is about at all! Well, a little bit. I feel bad about tricking you, so I’ll give you partial credit, ok?
The real Infinite Monkey Theorem states that if you have a room filled with an infinite number of monkeys randomly typing at an infinite number of typewriters for an infinite amount of time, eventually, one of the monkeys will produce the complete unabridged works of Shakespeare. But it’s more likely that they’ll first produce Tuesdays with Morrie.
We LOVE Monkeys! AND Theorems!
Mathematicians love this theorem almost as much as they love being boring. Now, mathematically speaking, an action that is almost completely impossible will occur, given an infinite amount of time. However, this particular theorem has, literally, fours of logical flaws that mathematicians and philosophers have yet to consider.
First of all, monkeys have zero work ethic. Combine that apathy for quality contribution with their short attention spans and the resulting end product is the writing staff for “Gary Unmarried.”
Secondly, the theorem provides us with an infinite amount of monkeys and an infinite number of typewriters, but makes no mention as to infinite amounts of paper. Sure, we can assume that since the supplies of monkeys and typewriters never run out, the paper supply will also be limitless, but you know what “assuming” does, right? It takes the word “assume” and uses it as an adjective.
I did it, Bitches!
Even if the complete unabridged works of Shakespeare were produced by one of the primates, all the other monkeys would be so jealous that they would “pants” the author (what kind of experiment is this if we don’t dress the monkeys in cute toddler clothing?) and then shred the Bard’s plays before one of the floor managers is alerted. Look at that, monkey, you did all that work for NOTHING! Now pull up your pants! If monkeys are indeed as smart as humans, they would purposefully commit a typing error at the end of The Tempest.
The largest flaw in the Infinite Monkey Theorem is the failure to take into account the orneriness of monkeys. If we’ve learned anything from watching primates on The Discovery Channel and On The Record with Greta Van Susteren, it’s that monkeys are free-willed animals that are creepy when they host TV shows, even by FOX News standards. While some of the infinite number of monkeys will follow the rules set by the boiler room’s management, most of the monkeys will exhibit their independent nature by saying, “Screw Shakespeare — I have original thoughts of my own that the world should hear. Like my novel about a schizophrenic pop star that threatens her career by losing herself in a forbidden love affair with a primate. A little novel I like to call Hanna Montana Eats My Banana. After that, I’ll get to work on my passion project Dunston Checks Out.”
In conclusiob… GAHHHH! Twenty years, I’ve been trying to get you monkeys to type this article and suddenly, you go 17 straight days “randomly misstroking” on the last sentence. This is bullshimalaiejadkjn/rr8iu
– Check out Greg Brainos at the NC Comedy Arts Festival