Citizen’s Arrest for Change

26 01 2009

With the induction of our 44th President now complete, it is now time to answer our leader’s call to action.  Obama has rekindled the spirit of JFK in asking what we as Americans can do for our country.

obama-kennedy-jfk

I, for one, know exactly what my role in this new society will be:

I want to bring back a forgotten art… the citizen’s arrest.

It’s time to put the power back in the hands of the people.  Our public servants have a lot on their hands with all the crime and wrong-doing that is running rampent.  We need to take it upon ourselves to do our part to make America a better place. I want to get to the point where the booming echo of a man or woman yelling “Citizen’s Arrest!” will stop any criminal right in their tracks.

It can be an offense as simple as a rolling stop at an intersection or as severe as a stealing all the gold from the Federal Reserve (ala Die Hard 3).

die-hard-3

I want to strike the fear of Batman in the hearts of anyone who would think to even toss a cigarette butt on the ground.  Or this scenerio:  Man attempted grand theft auto until he saw his neighbor watering his grass and knew it was just too risky.

So please join me, my fellow Americans, by pledging your allegiance that when we see any harm done against our great nation we will stand up, Lee Greenwood style, and shout from the highest mountain… “CITIZEN’S ARREST!”

– Mister Jeremy McDonald





Dreaming of a White Obama

23 01 2009

So yeah, it snowed in the South before and during the Presidential Inauguration on Tuesday. Does that mean that power of racism might have been trying to rear its magical head? Is he-who-shall-not-be-named (yeah, Voldemort) alive and well? But just off by a bit?

Imagine a group of underground Klan radicals trapped in a dank basement somewhere invoking a White Obama and what they get instead is a White Christmas, well, at least Christmas for a generation of voters, or what might as well have been Christmas, because America got the bestest present ever.

obama-inauguration

Go OBAMA! Go SNOBAMA!

I think a lot of Americans are just really thankful to see the other Snowman go. You know, the abominable one. No, not the cute one from the Rankin/Bass cartoon who just has a toothache. But the ice queen. That’s right, George W.

Bush

At first I wasn’t going to post a picture of him here, but isn’t it nice to see him wave good-bye? Yeah, I thought so. America, we need to realize, he just wasn’t that into us. He didn’t have our best interests at heart.

He was much more interested in the excitement of new partners and chasing foreign “tail,” making excuses about his job instead of coming home at the end of the day and really caring about us, the U.S., you know what I mean. Well, now he gets to go back to Texas, enjoy his new ranch and maybe carve up a turkey from Alaska.

A White Obama? No. A Christmas Miracle? Absolutely.

– Mister Zach Ward






Monkey “C” Monkey “DUE”

21 01 2009

Guest post from Comedian and former Diplomat Greg Brainos

greg_brainos

What's the deal with Monkeys?

Are you familiar with the Infinite Monkey Theorem?  The IMT states that if you have a room filled with an infinite number of monkeys randomly typing at an infinite number of typewriters for an infinite amount of time, eventually, one of the monkeys will turn to another and say, “Hey, you know Shakespeare was gay, right?”  You knew that about the IMT, right?

Right?

Ha!  I tricked you!  That’s not what the IMT is about at all!  Well, a little bit.  I feel bad about tricking you, so I’ll give you partial credit, ok?

The real Infinite Monkey Theorem states that if you have a room filled with an infinite number of monkeys randomly typing at an infinite number of typewriters for an infinite amount of time, eventually, one of the monkeys will produce the complete unabridged works of Shakespeare.  But it’s more likely that they’ll first produce Tuesdays with Morrie. 

We LOVE Monkeys! AND Theorems!

Mathematicians love this theorem almost as much as they love being boring.  Now, mathematically speaking, an action that is almost completely impossible will occur, given an infinite amount of time.  However, this particular theorem has, literally, fours of logical flaws that mathematicians and philosophers have yet to consider.

First of all, monkeys have zero work ethic.  Combine that apathy for quality contribution with their short attention spans and the resulting end product is the writing staff for “Gary Unmarried.” 

Secondly, the theorem provides us with an infinite amount of monkeys and an infinite number of typewriters, but makes no mention as to infinite amounts of paper.  Sure, we can assume that since the supplies of monkeys and typewriters never run out, the paper supply will also be limitless, but you know what “assuming” does, right?  It takes the word “assume” and uses it as an adjective.

monkey-pants

I did it, Bitches!

Even if the complete unabridged works of Shakespeare were produced by one of the primates, all the other monkeys would be so jealous that they would “pants” the author (what kind of experiment is this if we don’t dress the monkeys in cute toddler clothing?) and then shred the Bard’s plays before one of the floor managers is alerted.  Look at that, monkey, you did all that work for NOTHING!  Now pull up your pants!  If monkeys are indeed as smart as humans, they would purposefully commit a typing error at the end of The Tempest.

The largest flaw in the Infinite Monkey Theorem is the failure to take into account the orneriness of monkeys.  If we’ve learned anything from watching primates on The Discovery Channel and On The Record with Greta Van Susteren, it’s that monkeys are free-willed animals that are creepy when they host TV shows, even by FOX News standards.  While some of the infinite number of monkeys will follow the rules set by the boiler room’s management, most of the monkeys will exhibit their independent nature by saying, “Screw Shakespeare — I have original thoughts of my own that the world should hear.  Like my novel about a schizophrenic pop star that threatens her career by losing herself in a forbidden love affair with a primate.  A little novel I like to call Hanna Montana Eats My Banana.  After that, I’ll get to work on my passion project Dunston Checks Out.”

In conclusiob… GAHHHH!  Twenty years, I’ve been trying to get you monkeys to type this article and suddenly, you go 17 straight days “randomly misstroking” on the last sentence.  This is bullshimalaiejadkjn/rr8iu

– Check out Greg Brainos at the NC Comedy Arts Festival





Charleston and Theatre 99

19 01 2009

charlesron-comedy-amercian-theatre

Theatre 99 put on a great comedy festival, with Improv, Standup and Sketch all in one 4-day event. MISTER DIPLOMAT was short two cast members (Paula Pazderka and Jeremy McDonald) for the trip. Paula had a good excuse, but Jeremy took his own road trip to Washington, DC. He wanted to see Beyoncé do Single Ladies LIVE!

Anyway, MISTER DIPLOMAT just wanted to thank The Have Nots! and Theatre 99 for an awesome time. Check them out and support Charleston Comedy year-round. And thanks to the Holiday Inn Riverview (where we stayed and watched the History Channel, after wrestling the remote from Mister Kyle Chorpening, who was dead-set on HBO’s Real Sex). OH! AND we would also like to thank the Cracker Barrell.

Both of them. AND I-95. South and North.

– Mister Diplomat





Save our Smut

19 01 2009

Our nation’s most beloved industry needs help!

Im with you Larry

I'm with you Larry

Larry Flynt and Girls Gone Wild mastermind Joe Francis have officially petitioned Congress for a $5 billion bailout to save the adult entertainment industry. To this, I say, “What took so long?” For months, I’ve seen an endless parade of CEOs for banks and car makers and investment firms and dairy plants and ice cream stores and who knows what else whining to the Senate about how they “need a bailout” and the economy “can’t support them”. Finally, an important industry is sucking up their pride (BOOM!) and asking Congress for the money they so desperately need to stay afloat and I applaud them for it.

I’ve been against all these bailouts from the get go, but now, I’ve found a cause to champion for. Banks and car companies have been given billions of dollars to do what? I sure as hell don’t know. But if the adult film industry gets $5 billion, I know exactly where that’s going. It’s going to pay for people to have sex in front of a camera. It’s going to pay for the boom microphone operator who moonlights as a night watchman in a parking garage. It’s going to pay for the editor who stays up until 4 or 5 in the morning splicing together footage of 18-year-olds making mistakes that will live with them for the rest of their lives.

Does she know about Bustyz, Alan?

Does she know about Bustyz, Alan?

Plus, is there anything we need more in these times of turmoil and uncertainty than porn? NO! If anything, we need more. Why do you think bankers were jumping off of skyscrapers and throwing themselves into traffic during the Great Depression? They didn’t have a regular outlet for sexual frustrations and needs. That coupled with a horrible economy is a textbook cause for ending it all. The first thing I do when I see the DOW drop 700 points is pull out my latest Hustler and work out my feelings. The only reason Alan Greenspan is still alive and breathing is his subscription to Bustyz.com.

Please, Congress. Save these proud men and women. In these trying times, a little bit of charity can do a world of difference. Also, think about what this will do for your image. Any potential Larry Craigs can mask any toe-tapping inproprieties by putting their name on this bill early and often. Think it over. For the children.

– Mister Kyle Chorpening





Cheney is the Penguin

16 01 2009

This took me a long time to realize, but with the series of illustrations in the latest Newsweek, it finally dawned on me: Dick Cheney is the penguin.  Contrast and compare this

Victor Juhasz for Newsweek

Victor Juhasz for Newsweek

with this:

I imagine with the current administration leaving office, Cheney is preparing for a return to a life of crime.  Of course, when you’ve been out of the caper biz for eight years, you need to start small.  Hold on to your Faberge eggs, kids!

– Mister Andy Lavender





Snuggie? Blanket with Sleeves!

13 01 2009

Blankets are okay, but they can slip and slide. Snuggie™ is made with super soft, thick, luxurious fleece with roomy, oversized sleeves that let you do what you want while still being totally wrapped in warmth. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about. Snuggie™ was one of the best selling infomercial products of the 2008/2009 holiday season.

It a blanket… A blanket… with oversized sleeves!

slanket

But the best part, Snuggie™ ripped off a similar fleece blanket product with oversized sleeves, called, you guessed it, The Slanket. Ridiculous.

jedi-slanket-snuggie

What the fuck? It’s like the dark side took control of the Senate. It’s like Jar Jar Binks wasn’t the only thing that got away from George Lucas. I can’t decide if that’s Obi Wan in a Slanket or Snuggie™ and if that’s a light saber or a FREE book light, which would make it a Snuggie™.

Snuggie™ or Slanket, whatever you want to call it, It’s a fucking robe. A robe. A robe that, for some reason, made it on the Forbes list as retail’s Next Big Thing. And The Slanket has Sold Out on QVC, Amazon, and it’s own website.

I know, I know.

But that’s okay. I don’t want a Snuggie™ or Slanket. I’m not even slightly interested in purchasing your backward robe until they go a little farther with robe technology. I don’t want a lame-ass book light. I don’t want a USB powered accessory belt. I don’t want Slanket-mini for the kids, a Snuggie™-shuffle made specifically for parapalegics (who needs the oversized sleeves when all you’re doing is shuffling under the blanket part? Too far? Maybe.) Anyway… I don’t want any of those things.

shamwow-snuggie-slanketI want a Snuggie™ that I can put on and *instantly* lose water weight. You could step out of the shower wet, put on your robe. AND BE DRY. I want a Slanket made entirely out of ShamWows. Who’s with me? Maybe I can convince my mom to make a prototype, my brother to lend me $15K, and sell 100,000 ShamWomForters® for $75 each before the open market takes over.

ps: my good friend and standup comic John Betz, Jr. saw Twilight, as part of a bargain, but he REALLY liked it.

– Mister Zach Ward








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