4 Hilarious High Holiday Clips

27 12 2008

Mister John Reitz spent the day after Christmas at my apartment editing tapes. While drinking Egg Nog, talking about girls and debating alternative uses for mistletoe (Cancer, really?), he and I found some appropriate High Holiday-themed clips. No, not from THE High Holiday —that’s Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur— or even Hanukkah, but clips that could quickly become Christmas Classics if the audience were all HIGH.

I’m going to order the clips from Most to Least religious.

The last one is certainly the least Holiday-themed, but could be argued more religious because it does include reference to The Ark of the Covenant. Three of the four clips feature good friends and Diplomat guest performers Josh Cohen and Tamra Malaga from The Josh & Tamra Show. Let’s begin.

1. What Would Jesus Mash – Lumpy potatoes are not Christian!

 

2. Demon Bird Wants Baby Santa – Demon Bird has a minion. CAR = Time Machine. Special Effects. Baby Santa’s beard tickles Mrs. Claus during childbirth.

 

3. Go Frosty Go! – Let us imagine a Snowman streaking.

 

4. 15″ Flat Screen OR Indiana Jones – two police officers with different priorities, a casual approach to law enforcement, and a mild interest in Blu-ray technology.

We hope you enjoyed the clips. You can find a couple more on Facebook.

 

Mister Zach Ward





5 Worst Movies of 2008

25 12 2008

Hello Diplo-Fans!

It’s your unofficial Mister Diplomat Film and TV expert, Kyle Chorpening. Now, I know 2008 has been a banner year with hits like Beverly Hills Chihuahua and Twilight burning up at the box office, but all has not been well in the state of celluloid. That’s why I’m here with my first annual wrap up of the worst offerings Hollywood crapped out onto the multiplexes.

5. Slumdog Millionaire

A street urchin goes through a lifetime of adventures and escapades that leads him to his country’s version of Who Wants To Be a Millionaire because it’s the only way he can show the love of his life that he truly loves her. I liked it better the first time I saw and it was called Oliver Twist. Is it too much to ask for something original? Come on Tinseltown.

Et tu Robert?

Et tu Robert?

4. Tropic Thunder

This is by far the most despicable movie I have ever seen. It is offensive to the mentally handicapped, african-americans, actors, veterans, the Hollywood elite, children, animal trainers, bears on motorcycles, the automotive industry, candy stripers, dead journalists, the Jonas Brothers, mothers between the ages of 35 and 38, werewolves, terrorists, and, most of all, me. You should be ashamed of yourself Ben Stiller.

3. Milk

Now, don’t get up in arms over this pick. I think Milk is a wonderful and insightful biopic on the great Harvey Milk. My problem with this film is the title. If I see a movie called Milk, it better be about the life and times of one Louis Pasteur. Pasteurization is one of the greatest breakthroughs of the last 300 years and gave me my best defense against early onset osteoporosis. If you’re going to make a movie about Harvey Milk, just call it Harvey and avoid all of this needless confusion.

Put that damn Rubik's Cube down and do what you were created for.

Put that damn Rubik's Cube down and do what you were created for.

2. WALL-E

Any movie about a robot that falls in love is preposterous. ROBOTS CAN’T LOVE!! If they could love, they’d be androids. I don’t understand why no one else cares about this. Not being able to love is what makes robots so charming and different. Would I still love R2-D2 if he dry humped C-3PO’s leg whenever he wasn’t stuck in the back of Luke’s X-Wing? Would HAL-9000 be as chilling if he was mad at Dave for not answering fast enough when HAL asked, “What are you thinking about?” Would Ben Stein have a career if he could change the inflection in his voice to anything other than a dull monotone? NO! That is why we love them and all other robots like them, and why I hate WALL-E.

1. The Dark Knight

Maybe I’m crazy, but I’m getting tired of all this moral ambiguity with superheroes. When Batman punches the Joker, I want to see a colorful explosion with POW! or WHAM! written in it, not debate the morality of justice or how America’s fears have changed since 9/11. The same thing goes for you, Iron Man. I don’t go see a movie about a man in a giant missile suit to find out about the true effects of the American military complex on the rest of the world. I want to see stuff blow up. Period.

– Mister Kyle Chorpening





5 People I’d Rather Throw A Shoe At Than President Bush

24 12 2008

1. Orphaned children from the 1920s.
Because THEY NEED THEM!

Those feet just begging for some ringworm.

...maybe her.

...maybe her.

2. Bush’s Secret Service Agents.
Because, deeyam boyz, I know that his approval ratings are hovering around 27% but your reflexes were slower than Christmas. Put down the copy of Twilight that you were reading (I know, it’s really really hard to do) and maybe stop the guy before he has the time to get another shoe off. What if, heaven forbid, the shoes had been…bigger shoes?

3. The Old Woman Who Lived In One.
Because, with the current mortgage crisis, it would probably be taken as a sign of good will. This being the season for giving, who wouldn’t want free house thrown at them?

4. The chorus of little children who sing at the end of NewSong’s “The Christmas Shoes.”
Because they want their mother to look beautiful if she meets Jesus tonight. C’mon! What if Jesus comes and momma’s feet look stank nasty?!? Toss some Nike Dunks over here Rob Lowe.

5. Governor Blagojevich’s hair dresser.
Because his head looks kinda like a pair of untamed, happy, hobbit feet. And Chicago politics are dirtier than the Mines of Moria.

———————————

Honorable Mention: Faith the Wonder Dog
Because she’s just like a person and people wear shoes. She’s “a best friend, a guardian angel” and she’s taught one woman to better understand handicapped people. Because handicapped people are just like a dog with two legs. Just. Like. One.

– Mister John Reitz





Introducing New Diplomats

11 12 2008

mrd-airplane-americans

Longtime fans of MrD are in for a serious Holiday comedy bonus this Season. 

Like an extra nugget in your 6-piece, an upgrade on your rental car without waiting an hour for someone to help you, or your Father saying he’s proud of you. You know, like one of those, except this bonus has actually already happened. It’s already done. It’s here. Are you ready? We are. So ready.

MISTER DIPLOMAT has added 3 new cast members.

Mary Sasson: 2008 Aspen Comedy Festival Featured College Comic, DSI TourCo, ComedySportz, DSI Witness News (writer and performer), CHiPs (director and performer), and CageMatch Teams including Robots Are Humans Too.

Kyle Chorpening: 2007 Dual Duel Champ Panthro, Gravel Patch, CHiPs (writer and performer) DSI Sketch-Off (writer) and 4DDI.

Jeremy McDonald: DSI TourCo, SENIOR PGA (two-man improv show with longtime friend and Diplomat Zach Ward), Gravel Patch, and CHiPs (writer and performer).

Support Your Local Diplomat.





MrD hijacks Charleston

3 12 2008

charleston-comedy-festivalMISTER DIPLOMAT proudly joins the best alternative improv, sketch and standup comedy acts in the country for a 4-day comedy festival produced by The Have Nots! and The City Paper at American Theatre in Charleston, South Carolina.

MrD heads down on Saturday January 17, 2009 after opening for God’s Pottery at the LOCAL 506 on Thursday January 15 (details of the 506 show unconfirmed, but we’re excited for the opportunity) and of course, rocking our FREE home show on Friday.

So where do you want us to go next? You want Diplomat to rock your college? Let’s make that happen. You want MrD to Headline your SUPER SWEET SIXTEEN? Let’s make that happen. But we can’t promise that Mister Paula Pazderka won’t assault your boyfriend with a Bedazzler once she gets to the party. Seriously.

New MrD clips coming soon. But until then, Homoners on Ocracoke!





Tryptophan Daze. . . with Balls

2 12 2008

I spent Thanksgiving with a couple of new friends: Craig and Paul Pumphrey, the Human Wrecking Balls.

What?  You’re not aware of Craig and Paul Pumphrey, the Human Wrecking Balls?  Didn’t notice that “pump,” as in “pump iron,” is in their last name?  Let me fill you in: Craig and Paul Pumphrey have a show on cable network G4 where they break stuff with their hands.  It was probably pitched to executives as Jackass meets Mythbusters.

When I first saw this show, I couldn’t believe it.  It was like one of those fake television shows included in certain science fiction movies to show how desperately stupid human beings in a not-so-distant future had become.  It totally could have been in Idiocracy.  I mean, it’s a show where rednecks break stuff.  In the first episode I saw, they broke a bathroom, and in the second, they broke a Cessna.  It also wants you to know that the show is much more technical than just two rednecks breaking stuff with their hands, and it attempts to accomplish this by including Mythbusters-esque digital blueprints and technical drawings.  But it was all that I needed: something really, really dumb to stare at for a couple hours after Thanksgiving.  Fuck the National Dog Show.

– Mister Andy Lavender





A Very Southern Christmas

1 12 2008

So what makes a Southern Christmas?

What does “Southern Christmas” mean? Does it mean gifts on Layaway? Does it mean life-size Baby Jesus replicas and “NO ROOM at the MOTEL 6” for the poor guys offering Frankincense and Myrrh? Does it mean another year of your parents tricking you into polishing off a gallon-size plastic bag of homemade black-pepper jerky over a long weekend, jerky which they later admit was VENISON, that’s right, Deer Meat. deerurineIt has nothing to do with Bambi. I could care less about Bambi – I just don’t like the idea of eating something someone caught after watching the “crack of dawn” every day of hunting season up in a tree stand covered in DEER URINE.

But I digress.

I like the idea of Southern Christmas smells, like burnt fuses, a woodstove, and a potential for house fires. Mix that with a Ham in the oven that you got from work and the overwhelming aroma from Mother’s apple pie (and by “Mother’s apple pie” I mean the shit brown wax encased in glass from Yankee Candle at the Mall, not an ACTUAL apple pie, which isn’t necessarily horrible. Her pies are not* consistently… edible).

But I digest.

* the part about inedible cooking was not exactly true. My Mom didn’t really make pies. She did make cakes, and those were always delicious. And Baked Ziti. Southern Italy, Anybody? But the DEER JERKY, fuck that Christmas.

But seriously, I can’t wait for the Holiday Season.

So many trips. So many comedy sets. So much.

– Mister Zach Ward








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