Worst Idea Ever

25 09 2008

I was surfing the lightening deals at Amazon the other day, which has become a regular thing for me (last week I got the Alien quadrilogy for $25, motherfuckahs!), when I spied what may be a crucial ingredient for a recipe for disaster: a bluetooth headset for your motorcycle helmet.  Ostensibly, this headset is for people who ride together and allows for bike-bike communication.  But this also allows the significant proportion of bikers who are dumbasses and/or douchebags to talk on their cell phones as they ride.  And I bet there’s a ton of people just itching to cut the fun runs on their death machines with the haphazard driving that only a cell phone can provide.

I do, however, have a sense of satisfaction knowing that the assholes that do talk on their phones while on their motorcycles are probably inhaling bugs at a much higher frequency than I am.  And boy, do I inhale a lot of bugs.

-Mister Andy Lavender





What I Plan To Do The Weekend After Wall Street Exploded

17 09 2008

Wall Street exploded, didja hear?  And as Paul Krugman suggests that 1931 part deux is possible, I’m making my plans for the weekend.  Here’s my tentative list for what I plan to do the weekend after Wall Street exploded:

1)  I will draft a series of regulations on intra-apartment spending.  Steps must be made to avoid a repeat of the “hey, I really need a PS3!” crisis of early March.

2)  I will dig up the gold bullion in the back yard, then bury it even deeper.

3)  I will create my own currency.  I will invariably get hung up on deciding which letter of the alphabet to draw two lines through for the currency’s sign.  Lots of time will also be spent on Facebook trying to find the perfect picture of myself for the front of the bill.  But after those two crucial decisions, I will make myself a millionaire, if my girlfriend’s ink jet printer holds out.

4)  I will sell bonds to China to finance a crucial infrastructure project, the procurement and installation of a claw-foot bathtub.

5)  I will dick around with interest rates (duh).

-Mister Andy Lavender





Let’s Make “Palin’ the McCain” a Euphemism!

10 09 2008

Was I the only person who noticed that Palin, as in brave new leader Sarah Palin, sounds like a present participle (running, talking, killing, etc.)?  Well gang, I have an idea!  Let’s make “Palin’ the McCain” a euphemism!

Wouldn’t that be fun?!  Not following me?  How about I give a series of examples, each with usage and appropriate context:

Getting high:

“Alright, Danny Bonaduce, we’re finally taking the time to sit you down for an intervention.  Your substance abuse is clearly out of control!”

“Hey, look at his eyes!”

“Oh my God!  He was Palin’ the McCain in the car on the way over here!”

Masturbation:

“Honey, what’s wrong?”

“I walked in on Billy in the bathroom, and he was. . . he was. . .”

“What is it, honey?”

“HE WAS PALIN’ THE MCCAIN!

Fellatio:

“How was your date last night, bro?”

“It was awesome, dude!  This girl was nuts!  She was all over me!  But she drew the line at Palin’ the McCain.”

“Aw, bummer!”

It’s as easy as that!  We can totally make “Palin’ the McCain” an awesome euphemism!

-Mister Andy Lavender





Sarah Palin’s FULL HOUSE

7 09 2008

Ever since John McCain announced self-pronounced “hockey mom” Sarah Palin to be his Vice Presidential running mate I’ve heard rumblings on the interweb and general dissent on shouty MSNBC shows claiming that she’s unqualified for the job because as a “hockey mom” she should be taking care of her family. She does have a large family, but rather than criticize Governor Palin for this we could celebrate this fact. The White House is a big place. If there’s room for 35 bathrooms, there’s certainly room for her children Track, Trig, Briston, Piper, and Willow too. With such a FULL HOUSE they could make a sit-com about it. Hmmm…..

– Mister John Reitz





Mister Diplomat asks: is underwear worn on one’s head a sign of social ineptness?

5 09 2008

Mister Diplomat attempts to complete a hard hitting interview to answer the question: is underwear worn on one’s head a sign of social ineptness?




 

 

Mister Diplomat: I noticed you are wearing underwear on your head.

Three Year Old Girl at Grocery Store: It’s not underwear. It’s Dora.

Mister Diplomat: It has leg holes my little friend.

Three Year Old Girl at Grocery Store: And Diego.

Mister Diplomat: That doesn’t mean it doesn’t have leg holes.

Three Year Old Girl at Grocery Store: They are going to save the Mirror Cats.

Mister Diplomat: Back to your hat, can I wear it?

Three Year Old Girl at Grocery Store: You and Dora have bangs like me.

Mister Diplomat: Yes, I guess we do.

Three Year Old Girl at Grocery Store: That means we can all go on safari and save the animals.

Mister Diplomat: Okay. So, do you ever wear your hat there on your butt?

Three Year Old Girl at Grocery Store: [IMMEDIATELY STOPS EYES WIDE] Shhhh! [LOOKS AROUND] We don’t use the word butt. Butt is a gateway word.

Mister Diplomat: I see. Well, actually I don’t see.

Three Year Old Girl at Grocery Store: [THREE YEAR OLD TAKES MISTER DIPLOMAT’S HAND] It leads to words like butthead, and buttface. Don’t worry I won’t tell my mom.

Mister Diplomat: Thanks.

Three Year Old Girl at Grocery Store: You’re Welcome.

This three year old didn’t tell her mother of Mister Diplomat’s use of the word ‘butt’. From this act, Mister Diplomat concluded that indeed underwear worn on one’s head is NOT a sign of social ineptness.

– Mister Paula Pazderka





McCain Should Have Gone with Holly Faris, the Hillary Clinton Experience

3 09 2008

Senator McCain, your VP choice of Sarah Palin is a means for your campaign to reach out to women who strongly supported Hillary Clinton’s presidential nomination bid but now feel disenfranchised after her loss.  But, Senator McCain, I don’t understand why you’re using a Clinton surrogate when you could’ve gone for the real thing: Holly Faris, the Hillary Clinton Experience.

Now there’s a stand-in that’ll make you squint to see the difference!  Senator McCain, for a reasonable rate Hillary Clinton, I mean Holly Faris (how can anybody tell those two apart?!), will really liven up your corporate event, holiday party, Bar/Bat Mitzah, or presidential campaign.  And let’s see Biden beat this in the debates:

And the American people will get behind the ticket!  Who would not want to have the person next-in-line to the most powerful position in the world to have also rocked Aruba with a killer Tina Turner impersonation!

That’s what this election needs, Senator McCain: a little blackface.

-Mister Andy Lavender





My REAL Name is Mister Joe Jones but…

2 09 2008

My REAL Name is Mister Joe Jones but…

You can call me Chip Williams.  I made a couple short videos as Not An Actor including “How to Ride the Bus (successfully)” with a friend of mine that works for the Durham City Transit.  Enjoy.

– misterjoejones








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