When I just moved into my apartment a year and a half ago, I ordered a pizza online from Pizza Hut. Since then, I get little bimonthly emailed reminders of what kind of tasty treats the great minds at the Yum corporation (the food conglomerate that includes Pizza Hut, KFC, and Taco Bell) have come up with next. I’ve seen a lot of spectacles: who can forget the return of the P’Zone! But Pizza Hut has outdone themselves this time. And in the process, they’ve totally just puked all over my inbox. You ready for this? Hold you breath for effect, I promise it’ll make it better.
Holyfuckinshit! It’s the new Premium Bacon Mac ‘N Cheese! I’m glad it’s here, because the world at large really needed this. And now I know there is something at Pizza Hut restaurants even grosser than pizza slices being dipped in ranch dressing. I also want to point out that in the email I received, this picture was saved as pastaHero.jpg, giving you an idea as to what to expect if you order one. This is a bad ass motherfuckin pasta hero! He’s going to jump out of the box and impale that fuckin terrorist hiding in your closet with a coat rack or perhaps with the arm of previously brutalized child rapist! Yeah! And it’s only $12.99!
That’s right! For only $12.99, you get Premium Bacon Mac ‘N Cheese with five breadsticks in the patented Pizza Hut “Stay Bubbly!” family-feeding trough! God bless America, with its ample supply of Bacon, Cheese, and Mac! These are truly fertile grounds!