Pizza Hut Puked in My Inbox

27 08 2008

When I just moved into my apartment a year and a half ago, I ordered a pizza online from Pizza Hut.  Since then, I get little bimonthly emailed reminders of what kind of tasty treats the great minds at the Yum corporation (the food conglomerate that includes Pizza Hut, KFC, and Taco Bell) have come up with next.  I’ve seen a lot of spectacles: who can forget the return of the P’Zone!  But Pizza Hut has outdone themselves this time.  And in the process, they’ve totally just puked all over my inbox.  You ready for this?  Hold you breath for effect, I promise it’ll make it better.

Holyfuckinshit!  It’s the new Premium Bacon Mac ‘N Cheese!  I’m glad it’s here, because the world at large really needed this.  And now I know there is something at Pizza Hut restaurants even grosser than pizza slices being dipped in ranch dressing.  I also want to point out that in the email I received, this picture was saved as pastaHero.jpg, giving you an idea as to what to expect if you order one.  This is a bad ass motherfuckin pasta hero!  He’s going to jump out of the box and impale that fuckin terrorist hiding in your closet with a coat rack or perhaps with the arm of previously brutalized child rapist!  Yeah!  And it’s only $12.99!

That’s right!  For only $12.99, you get Premium Bacon Mac ‘N Cheese with five breadsticks in the patented Pizza Hut “Stay Bubbly!” family-feeding trough!  God bless America, with its ample supply of Bacon, Cheese, and Mac!  These are truly fertile grounds!

-Mister Andy Lavender

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Party Unity. Party up.

25 08 2008

So Mister Obama (yeah, MISTER Obama! He gets DIPLO-approval from Mister Zach Ward at least) has chosen Senator Joe Biden from Delaware as his VP Running-mate. Some of us found out via email. Some of us found out via text message. Others of us signed up for the Democratic Party cerebral implants.

Biden gon’ make me lose my mind 
up in HERE up in here 
Biden gon’ make me go all out 
up in here up in here 
Biden gon’ make me act a FOOL 
up in HERE up in here 
Biden gon’ make me lose my cool 
up in here up in here

I’m RUHL excited for the next few months, and I hope the Democratic National Convention can deliver some Party Unity (up in here).

Both Bill and Hilary Clinton are scheduled to speak at the event in Denver, a move to spread the message of unity against the Republican party and George W PART 2. Rumor has it that Former President Bill Clinton plans to go on record at the Convention, in a much overdue response to the Monica Lewinsky scandal of 1995 (and I quote BOTH the former President and DMX), as saying “everytime you come around, it’s like (what) I just gotta get my ____ sucked.”

It’s unlikely that a 13 year old response by the former President will properly address the message of Party Unity, but in an effort to include the press on his position he encouraged ALL female reporters to quote, “meet him outside meet him outside, meet him outside” and that it would certainly be a Party.

I want to know Your opinion about OBAMA / BIDEN 2008.

– Mister Zach Ward





CliffyB. Fake Poop inspires comedy.

22 08 2008

CliffyB from Epic Games was a celebrity guest with MrD last Summer. 

He talked about fake poop.

What will our guests talk about this Fall? Who knows. Watch the most recent cast of Diplomat attack the stage (faster, stronger, smarter… funnier than before). We have some amazing guests lined up, including some incredible bands from all across the Southeast. Be there! EVERY FRIDAY At 930PM.





Diplomat Love: Not My Sister, Response to MoveOn.org Commercial “Not Alex”

19 08 2008

I saw this a while ago, and though its peak of cultural relevance may have passed, I feel I should share; the words of this video have flitted in and out of my brain like a melody over the last few weeks.  First, here is the commercial to which this video is a response.  Note that if you are not familiar with the commercial itself, the video I laud may come off as creepy, and by extension, I would come off as creepy.  And I bet you don’t want to be reading a creepy guy’s blog:

Here’s the video itself:

I want to point out that while I was writing this post, I asked my girlfriend, “Is ‘SISTER WOMBS!!!!’ in all caps and with four exclamation points an acceptable concluding paragraph?”

-Mister Andy Lavender





Olympics Shmo-lympics: I want to see a man fight a bear!

18 08 2008

Olympics Shmo-lympics: I want to see a man fight a bear!

Ron Artez Where are you?

Ron Artez Where are you?

I wish I was interested in the Olympics. I wish that I could spend hours of my day captivated by sports I don’t care about.  Then I could yell “Go Phelps” with the rest of America at bars all across the country. My problem with the Olympics is: I don’t care about these sports, I don’t care about the people playing, and I don’t care much for sports that don’t involve violence.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t enjoy violence. Wait – that’s not true at all. I actually love violence. (You had me right the first time.) And, the vast majority of sporting events that I’m interested in all involve punching, kicking, and/or tackling. And, the best sports involve some combination of all 3.

But the problem is greater than the fact I am simply “bored” by the Olympics.  I am frustrated that it appears the Olympics of old were far more compelling. The Olympics today are too safe. We weep over hamstring pulls, reversed elbows, and failed steroid tests, as if the world was coming to an end. But, the world is not coming to an end. You know what the world coming to an end looks like, back in the old days of the Olympics, if you did not win (or got bronze) the king killed your family or the tiger you had to wrestle ate you alive.

I can’t stand Ultimate Fighting Championship series for the same reason.

I’m just saying, if you’re going to bill yourself as the Ultimate of anything it should be difficult for someone to come up with a more challenging version of your sport. But, whenever I turn on Ultimate Fighting and see two guys fighting in the ring I think to myself “ehh, the producers could do better.”  The Ultimate Fight I want to see is one giant guy, fighting 13 little people to the death; or, a person with a broken leg, fighting a bear with a shot-gun. Now that would be a challenge, and something I would pay 50 bucks to see on pay-per-view.

-Mister Joe Jones





Zach Ward. Breast Cancer. Roast.

18 08 2008

Zach Ward + Breast Cancer = Roast

Is a Roast of Breast Cancer appropriate? Maybe. Maybe not. But what did the cancer think I was going to do? Sit back and not make fun of it. Sit back and not talk about how it didn’t belong. Sit back and not say things like “If I had a nipple for every time I _______” Well… Maybe the best biggest boobs boob in recent history is not Scarlett Johansson, maybe it’s Bob Saget.

Roast of Bob Saget was fun last night, wasn’t it?

Friday night (around 6pm at La Residence during a Tar Heel Walk fundraiser) I’m going to take my turn at roasting not Bob Saget. Some other comics from DSI and I are roasting Breast Cancer. We’re covering 3-day walks, the 2-boobs, 1-cup craze (was that it?) and maybe problems with other… lady… parts.

Appropriate? Maybe not. Funny? Absolutely.

Buy tickets now.

Or… You could buy tickets at the door and support the cause.

– Mister Zach Ward





Who wouldn’t want to play with Jem?

15 08 2008

Who wouldn’t want to play with Jem?  She had a catchy song: Jem is truly outrageous.  Truly Truly Truly outrageous.  Her music contagious. Outrageous! Jem is my name! no one else is the same!  Jem is my name!

 

Before actual human girls were pop stars part time on a TV show, there was Jem, an actual cartoon that was a pop star part time on a TV show. The year was 1985 and some of us were becoming entirely too old (yes, too old) to watch a rock and roll girl cartoon let alone play with a roll and roll cartoon doll.  Looking back on it, clearly my reasoning for engaging in such a trifling affair was due to my lack of maturity and direction as well as my parents refusal to buy me a Cabbage Patch Kid.

So there I was watching Jem when my brothers weren’t forcing me to watch G.I. Joe, which consequently, they were also too old to be watching.

As phenomenons go Jem never caught-on.  Jem will remain niche in perpetuity.  She was certainly no Cabbage Patch Kid.  And, I think the reason was the undeniable fact that the Jem doll was, quite simply put, fugly, and she wasn’t fugly in a cute way like a Cabbage Patch Kid.  She was real nasty with a big head, big feet, and a flat chest.  She had nothing on a Barbie.  A Barbie, although is not anatomically possible for a woman, Barbie was a hot doll, a hot doll a middle-schooler could feel good about playing with at an age that was too old to be playing with dolls.  Jem on the other hand was not a doll one could feel proud about playing with, she was an embarrassment.  She looked like a KISS doll except a woman, but the same body type as Gene Simmons and similar make-up (she sported pink blobs around her eyes not black).

So despite her catchy pop song, and her wonderful back up band, The Holograms, Jem was not as her theme song promised her to be – truly truly truly outrageous.   A young girl playing Jem ended up being more like her bitter enemy band, The Misfits, when playing with her in public.

Mister Paula Pazderka








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