Matt “Mutt” Anderson (Bully, Age 9) Reviews The Dark Knight

23 07 2008

A student in Mrs. Jarvis’s fourth grade class, Matt “Mutt” Anderson was assigned to write a one-page essay on the characters in the Newbery Medal-winning novel The Giver.  However, this Monday Matt instead turned in a three-paragraph personal exploration of his feelings towards the recently released The Dark Knight.

Firstly, lines suck.  They suck harder than that gayfer Thomas that used to sit in front of me in school.  Man, what a gayfer.  He’s so gay I bet he likes to wait in lines while smelling like farts and looking like a tard.  And when he gets to the front to line he says, “Oh goody!  Now I can see Mama Mia!”  Abba is for kids who got dropped on their heads as babies.

Secondly, Batman Begins was gay.  If Batman kicks so much ass, why is the bad guy in the movie Qui-Gon Jinn, aka some gay-ass vegetarian with a shitty mustache.  If I was Batman, I’d be all “Hey, asslicker!  Look behind you!  There’s a big ass for you to lick!”  And then he’d turn around, with his tongue flapping around and drool everywhere.  And then I’d shoot him.  With a gun.

Thirdly, The Dark Knight was cool.  But I almost didn’t see it.  My mom said that this gayfer Ebert said that it was not good for kids, and then she started crying, which is something that she does after she says dumb stuff.  So I was all like, “Hey, woman!  I cut my teacher, and she weighs more than you!”  And then she cried even harder and drank a glass of Jack Daniels, but she took me to the theater after like twenty minutes.  The Joker was funny.  The guy that sat in front of me during the movie was so gay.  He was all, “Would you keep it down please?”  And I was all, “Hey, dicksucker!  Turn around!  There’s a big dick for you to suck!”  And then turned around with mouth all open and stuff.  And then I shot him.  With a gun.

-Mister Andy Lavender

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One response

23 07 2008
theableminnow

Threatening your mother, eh? Mutt should give Batman credit where credit is due.

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