Thomas Jefferson Fanfiction: The Wrath of Skeletor

2 07 2008

With the 4th of July right around the corner, I’ve decided to unearth a history project from high school. Below are four excerpts from Thomas Jefferson and the Wrath of Skeletor.

I ended up with poor marks; I guess my teacher was a stickler for canon.

A few lazy bumble-bees found favor in placating themselves in the hedges along the front of my Virginia estate. I sat on the porch, amazed that my hand could turn pages weighted down by such heavy words from Locke. Miss Hemmings came round the corner and placed a pitcher of lemonade by my chair. The pattern on the glass was easily recognizable; that pitcher was my mother’s.

But something was certainly afoul, tarnishing my idyllic afternoon. For in the distance, beyond the tobacco fields, a thin black snake of smoke raised up against the cloudy blanket of the April sky. I took but one look at the narrow plume and knew that my greatest fears were true: Skeletor had returned.

—–

“You’re going to need tools, Thomas,” Ben Franklin crooned. “We are not dealing with an ordinary skeleton here.” My eyes flitted across the black velvet on which many of Franklin’s more recent inventions lay idly.

“You need not remind me, old friend. During the revolution, I was in constant battle with demonic hordes summoned by British necromancers. I have vanquished many a skeleton, but never before have I faced a being as insidious as this Skeletor.” A pair of seemingly ordinary glasses then caught my eye from the velvet-topped table. “If you’ll pardon my ignorance, might I ask what are these?”

“Ah, yes, those could come quite in handy during your struggles with that foul beast.” I could see a gleam of excitement in Ben’s eyes. “Say you are reading something that is in front of you, like a book, and you require reading glasses. But also say that at the same time you must quickly look off in the distance.”

“Why I would have to remove my reading glasses and replace them with my normal spectacles!” I exclaimed.

“Ah, but these glasses have two sets of lenses, allowing you to look comfortably both at the book in front of you but also off in the distance.”

“Incredible!”

“I call it Ass-vision.”

—–

The carriage bustled as it was led down the bumpy road by my two geldings. My mind was on the upcoming battle with Skeletor. Would my two pistols be a match for his Havoc Staff? But I catch the eyes of the driver, and he gives me a knowing look. My mind immediately shifts: does he know of my affair with Alexander Hamilton?

—–

“Let Harry Hermoine go!” I exclaimed. My hands bound, I watched as Skeletor moved towards Miss Granger.

“With this young girl’s blood spilled, my dark ritual will be complete, and I shall take my place as ruler of this world!” Skeletor let out a cackle fit for the maw of Satan himself. With sacrificial dagger in one hand and his Havoc Staff in another, Skeletor made his way to Hermoine’s side. Only after walking up the altar’s steps to the right of the bound Hermoine was Skeletor in position.

Pikachu, now!” From the electric mouse’s body in the rafters a thunder bolt did fall, squarely striking the demonic Skeletor. “Papa Smurf, quickly!” Brandishing a small blade, my blue-hued friend delivered me from bondage. I ran to Hermoine, picking up her limp form and running from the collapsing temple. I turned only to see the blocks of the temple fall upon the smoldering body of Skeletor.

We ran for miles, finally stopping from exhaustion and the euphoria of victory in a tended field. We laid down in the sweet smelling grass. My hand found Hannah Montana‘s, and we began to make out. God bless this land. God bless America.

– Mister Andy Lavender

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