It’s well into this year’s baseball season, and any fan worth her salt is deeply involved with a fantasy baseball league of sorts, presumably to give added incentive to follow a game where most of the time is spent watching a pitcher work through a before-pitch twitch-and-scratch routine borne of years of athletic neuroses. But there is something truly compelling about assembling a whole out of a bunch of parts to make something truly spectacular. That’s why I invite you all to join my own Fantasy Creepy Uncle League, where participants each try to combine elements of the truly creepy to form a relative worth hiding from. Below is my submission:
Nicholas Cage – Hairline.
Early appearances of Nicholas Cage’s hairline in such films as Raising Arizona declared to world, “Here be a balding man.” Yet, possibly through a combination of advanced CGI and spray-on hair, Nicholas Cage’s hairline has stood strong, with hairstyles from the more recent The Wicker Man and National Treasure: Book of Secrets forming a veritable carnival of horrors.
As a whole, Keith David is an exemplar of bad assitude. But the combination of his voice and a closeup of his mouth in a memorable scene in Requiem for a Dream is enough to make cute puppies explode.
Walter Mathau – Jowls.
The Mathau jowl-to-face ratio necessitates a pie chart.
David Lynch – Basement projects.
Any mention of a basement project from an uncle is enough to make said relative creepier than the cold that follows death, but if that project involves assembling a deformed baby out of a calf corpse, it is acceptable to cut off your own hands to avoid helping out.
The typical creepy uncle’s attempts at humor would probably not be as frightening if his comedy idol was not a coked-out furry leprechaun with a penchant for funny voices.
Charlie Sheen – Sex life.
A lot of people are happy to assume that their uncles blow inordinate portions of their salaries on LA hookers. But having this confirmed by a high profile media explosion in the early nineties is a little too much.
Andrew Jackson – Streak of racial bigotry/compulsion to invade Florida.
Your uncle may have made that awkward comment last Christmas about how Chinese people drive, but at least he didn’t sign into law the Trail of Tears, though his insistence to spend next Christmas in Orlando is atrocious in its own right.