Dear Dave Chappelle

30 06 2008

Dear Dave Chappelle,

It has been over two years, since we rendezvoused regularly and now I’ve watched your DVDs so many times you might as well be on TV land. I miss your freshness. Speaking of freshness, what does a gal have to do to get a Roca Pad around here?

I just want to know what you would do with things, and laugh. Did you see R Kelly was acquitted? Would you have done a remix of your remix? And what about the presidential race, Barrack and Hillary? Eliot Spitzer? That astronaut diaper lady? Freeing Tibet?

I miss your white people and your black people. Buddy, I just miss you. If I could ask Paul Mooney a question, it would be: What would have to happen to have Dave come back? Or maybe a better question would be: What would I have to do to have Dave come back? Or what would MISTER DIPLOMAT have to do? I hear Zach Ward is one mean spooner. Have you ever been spooned by a white guy? If you want to try it, I am sure Zach would totally be game. He would do it for the sake of comedy. Zach would do anything for the sake of comedy. I mean anything. Think about it Dave, anything.

You wouldn’t have to go back to Comedy Central. You could come to Carrboro. That’s right, North Carolina. You could stay with me and perform at DSI. After shows, we could go walk back to my house and drink Arnold Palmers. Dave, it would be fabulous. Drop me an email when you’re ready. I’m waiting.

-Mister Paula Pazderka





Barnraisers “pick” comedy venue.

27 06 2008

BarnraisersBarnraisers takes the stage at DSI Comedy Theater tonight, Friday June 27th for some Behind the Music-style anecdotes to inspire the comedy at 930PM. After the Mr.D show, the DSI staff transforms the comedy theater into a concert venue.

Classic Country Glamour. Honky-tonk spitfires. Mountain music melancholy delivered with a wink and a chuckle. This appropriately describes the Barnraisers aesthetic, sensibility, and sound. Drawing influences from early bluegrass, honky-tonk, and country music, this North Carolina bred trio would fit in nicely at your granny’s dinner table, or takin’ a big swig of your daddy’s homemade wine at the nearby drag strip. 

Come at 10:45PM and only pay $5 for Barnraisers. Watch the comedy show at Get stamped before 930 and you can see the music for FREE. Doors open 10 minutes before the MISTER DIPLOMAT show but you should get here early to snag a seat.

Are you in a band? – Bring Mr.D a copy of your work and check out the show for FREE to support the local music scene.





The Del Close Marathon: Can You Survive the 49 and 1/2 Hour Improv Gauntlet?

25 06 2008

taken from www.delclosemarathon.comThe Del Close Marathon this year runs for 49 and 1/2 hours, including time taken to clean the theater at oh say 5 in the morning. That is a redonkulous amount of comedy over a single weekend. The common man will not stay for all 49 and 1/2 hours, rather he will flit in and out and see the comedy that interests him on the schedule. But the truly redonkulous man will stay for the entire 49 and 1/2 hours, reveling in such an act’s redonkulousity. Before you go the Del Close Marathon, you must ask yourself: am I such a man? Am I truly that redonkulous? Before the answer to that question sails across your lips, read this time-line for an idea of what to expect during this 49 and 1/2 hour improv comedy gauntlet.

Friday, 5:32 pm:

You get really into the march from Union Square to the theater, probably because you know that this will be the only physical activity that you will have for three days. How badly will your muscles atrophy? You do not want to be that guy who could not walk out of the space shuttle.

Friday, 6:32 pm:

You really start to pity that poor fool who volunteered for MySpace. Him and his OkCupid account.

Friday, 11:13 pm:

After watching improv for about five hours, you stop laughing out loud. Feeling self conscious about this, you rationalize that you are now appreciating the improv for the art of it, and though you realize it’s funny, not laughing is a-ok.

Saturday 2:23 am:

After watching Wicked Fuckin’ Queeyah for 23 minutes, you say, “Oh, we’re making fun of Boston!” You are immediately hushed by the librarian-looking dame beside you.

Saturday 4:06 am:

You look down at your watch, whose alarm has gone off. That beep means it’s that time of night when people with a cocaine addiction crash/fall asleep.

Saturday 4:48 am:

You finally snag a front-row seat. From this vantage point, you find it much easier to smell whether or not a performer is drunk or high.

Saturday 4:53 am:

Man, that guy that smells like barbiturates is hilarious!

Saturday 9:32 am:

Someone makes a reference to Dryel bags. You laugh because you have one.

Saturday 11:51 am:

Your face aches, and you think fondly of that specialized ice-pack you used in high school when you had your wisdom teeth taken out.

Saturday 2:13 pm:

Trail mix. Trail mix. All you can think about is trail mix.

Saturday 4:57 pm:

Dryel bag again! Snap!

Saturday 6:01 pm:

You are being mildly deprecated along with the other three people who have stayed for the entire marathon so far by Matt Besser. Or is it Ian Roberts? Or is it Matt Walsh? You realize your brain has devolved its sense of personal recognition into a crude gender-based binary dichotomy. Because it is definitely not Amy Poehler asking you whether or not you’ve had to rub one out in the bathroom at some point during the last twenty-four hours.

Saturday 9:03 pm:

Is that the sound of angels? Is that the blinding light of God’s holy visage? No, that’s just Mister Diplomat!

Saturday 11:11 pm:

Your face is broken. Can faces break? Maybe it’s lockjaw! Did you get the tetanus booster like your mom asked? Your face is totally broken. And you can taste blood on the back of your throat.

Sunday 1:32 am:

Dryel bag = comedy gold.

Sunday 3:34 am:

As you flit in and out of consciousness, you have twenty-three of those dream-within-a-dream dreams. One of those involved the head of your prized racing horse. Argh!

Sunday 6:03 am:

You are woken up during the theater cleaning and asked to go outside. You feel the need to profusely apologize to everyone, especially the girl who was selling beer for the last three hours.

Sunday 11:23 am:

You can totally see the bones in your hands. And the floor is lava.

Sunday 3:12 pm:

You can see the improv through your eyelids.

Sunday 5:09 pm:

You remember the sun. Oh, precious life-giving orb!

Sunday 7:32 pm:

You’ve survived! But then you realize that, yes, you are the astronaut who cannot leave the ship. The paramedic that responds to the call mumbles something about that scene in Se7en with all those car air-fresheners hanging from the ceiling.

– Mister Andy Lavender





If You Vote for Obama, You Might (STILL) be a Redneck

24 06 2008

If You Vote for Obama, You Might (STILL) be a Redneck!

In the last few weeks, I have noticed an interesting new phenomenon. On a regular basis, white people will announce to me that they are voting for Barack Obama – without any provocation. They just walk up out of the blue and comment how excited they are “for this moment in history” or mention how something (usually gas prices) “will be different once Obama’s in office.”

It started out a few months back with 40ish-year-old white women. The first few times it happened I thought these women were hitting on me. Then, a few weeks later, various 20-something white guys joined the “hey man, I’m really excited about the Obama campaign” random comment committee. But the greatest moment came just a couple of weeks ago during the North Carolina Primaries while I was standing in line at Walmart. A fifty-year-old white man wreaking of cigarettes and castor oil, wearing paint spattered overalls, and doing little to cover his literally RED neck, asked me if I voted, winked, and pointed to his “I voted” sticker.

Overlooking people’s general assumption that I am voting for Obama just because I’m black – because let’s be honest that’s probably a fair assumption – I cannot tell you how humorous I find this phenomenon.

White people of America, I would very much like to clarify two important pieces of information.

One: Barack Obama is not MLK, Jesus, or even Chuck Norris for that matter.

He did not give the I have a dream speech; he cannot walk on water; and he is not currently suing NBC, claiming that Law and Order are trademarked names for his right and left legs.

Two: If we keep treating Barack Obama this way, we may actually unintentionally provoke the actual Chuck Norris – a man who doesn’t go hunting, he goes killing.

Be careful people – Chuck is watchin’.

-Mister Joe Jones





Excited to play with Mother at the Del Close Marathon

24 06 2008

It’s been 3 whirlwind (AWESOME) years since Mother, from the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre, won the 2005 International Super CageMatch at the Chicago Improv Festival, beating Dual Exhaust (my first comedy duo) after two rounds of improv competition. We had won the previous two years, after coming in second to The Improv Bandits from New Zealand in 2002. Dual Exhaust had been retired to the Chicago CageMatch Hall-of-Fame and we hoped to retire after completing the Super CageMatch improv hat trick (not The Improv Trick with Bill Chott) but a hat trick of Super CageMatch wins. You get it. Anyway…

Mother put on an amazing set that year in Chicago. Tara Copeland (teaching genius), Jason Mantzoukas (interview), James Eason (imdb) and Christine Walter (cast page) absolutely destroyed the stage at ImprovOlympic. Was there another Mother there? Can’t remember. We all went out drinking at a latenight biker bar afterwards, but that’s a different story.

On Saturday August 9th Mother and MISTER DIPLOMAT share the stage in New York. I am REAL excited. It’s going to be an amazing opportunity for Diplomat fans to see some mind-blowing groups during the Del Close Marathon. 7:00PM Improvised Shakespeare, 8:00PM I Eat Pandas, 8:30PM Mother, 9:00PM MISTER DIPLOMAT – I suggest spending sometime in the Stand-by line before the Theater Cleaning at 6:30PM so you can check out this entire block.

Dual Exhaust

Before I end this post, I am going to put a personal goal down on the books. In 2003 Dual Exhaust was named by the Chicago Tribune as one of the “Top 10 Most Influential Comedy Duos of the Past Decade” – Beth Melewski and Zach Ward (that’s me!) WILL submit a reunion show for the DCM or the Chicago Improv Festival next year to be THAT funny, again. Maybe we could share the stage with Mother, again… I should call Beth.

– Mister Zach Ward





Happy Belated Father’s Day

22 06 2008

MISTER DIPLOMAT would like to take a moment to say Happy Belated Father’s Day to all the Dads supporting misterdiplomat.com and the show. Mr.D wants to assure you that if you’ve been calling the Diplomat hotline over the past week and nobody has picked up it’s just because anxiety for the Dip can hit record highs ’round this time of year. He don’t want to pick up the phone and be told by some random lady (that he probably doesn’t remember) that he’s gonna be a baby-daddy (again). But don’t worry. Everything is okay. Mr.D has even picked up a couple gifts from Home Depot, Best Buy and Adam&Eve, for himself, because… well, I mean… you never know.

 





Local Music from The Secret Theatre

20 06 2008


The Secret TheatreThe Secret Theatre takes the stage with the cast of MISTER DIPLOMAT Friday June 20th for some Behind the Music-style anecdotes to inspire the comedy at 930PM. After the Mr.D show, the DSI staff transforms the comedy theater into a bad-ass concert venue.

Theater opens at 11PM for the music.

Watch the FREE comedy show at 930. Doors are 10 minutes before the show but BE THERE EARLY to get a seat. Make sure you get stamped at the 930 so you can get back into the 11PM for FREE. Come later and pay $5 for the The Secret Theatre

Are you in a band? – Bring Mr.D a copy of your work and check out the show for FREE to support the local music scene.

Read online review from Absolute Punk.

 








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