Mr T Goes to Hollywood

Guest post from Comedian and former Diplomat Corey Brown

Good job, Mr T!

I think Hollywood is making a huge mistake in the casting of most of their main characters. I say this because, after watching a lot of movies I can easily see Mr. T being the ideal candidate for the role.

I think Brad Pitt did a great job in Benjamin Button, but I think Mr. T could have slammed that character home. Imagine how T would look as an old man looking baby. How cute would all of those gold chains look around that backwards child? Answer: Very. Mr. T also wouldn’t have gone traipsing after Daisy either. He would have pitied that fool and found him a sugar momma closer to his adoptive home. This movie seriously lacked some Mr. T-atude.

Batman was probably the best movie of the year. I admire the work Heath Ledger did with the Joker Character, but come on Christopher Nolan, what about T? Batman would have been chumped had the T been on the opposite side. Yeah, the makeup would have looked a little bit silly and Mr. T sure as hell isn’t going to let his parents cut up his mouth like that, but the brutality of the fight scenes would have been amazing. I know you were thinking of story arc and all that other Hollywood BS that you worry about, but in what the T would have ruined story wise, he would have added that much more whoop-ass-ness.

Cloverfield. Project CloverT sounds like a winner to me.

Powder! Albino Mr. T? Duh, it works. 

Wall-E? How about Wall-T?

I think you get my point Hollywood. There isn’t any role that isn’t suited for the styling’s of Laurence Tureaud. Now where is my milk?

- New York Comedian Corey Brown

Mr. T would have pwned Frankie.

5 Worst Movies of 2008

Hello Diplo-Fans!

It’s your unofficial Mister Diplomat Film and TV expert, Kyle Chorpening. Now, I know 2008 has been a banner year with hits like Beverly Hills Chihuahua and Twilight burning up at the box office, but all has not been well in the state of celluloid. That’s why I’m here with my first annual wrap up of the worst offerings Hollywood crapped out onto the multiplexes.

5. Slumdog Millionaire

A street urchin goes through a lifetime of adventures and escapades that leads him to his country’s version of Who Wants To Be a Millionaire because it’s the only way he can show the love of his life that he truly loves her. I liked it better the first time I saw and it was called Oliver Twist. Is it too much to ask for something original? Come on Tinseltown.

Et tu Robert?

4. Tropic Thunder

This is by far the most despicable movie I have ever seen. It is offensive to the mentally handicapped, african-americans, actors, veterans, the Hollywood elite, children, animal trainers, bears on motorcycles, the automotive industry, candy stripers, dead journalists, the Jonas Brothers, mothers between the ages of 35 and 38, werewolves, terrorists, and, most of all, me. You should be ashamed of yourself Ben Stiller.

3. Milk

Now, don’t get up in arms over this pick. I think Milk is a wonderful and insightful biopic on the great Harvey Milk. My problem with this film is the title. If I see a movie called Milk, it better be about the life and times of one Louis Pasteur. Pasteurization is one of the greatest breakthroughs of the last 300 years and gave me my best defense against early onset osteoporosis. If you’re going to make a movie about Harvey Milk, just call it Harvey and avoid all of this needless confusion.

Put that damn Rubik's Cube down and do what you were created for.

2. WALL-E

Any movie about a robot that falls in love is preposterous. ROBOTS CAN’T LOVE!! If they could love, they’d be androids. I don’t understand why no one else cares about this. Not being able to love is what makes robots so charming and different. Would I still love R2-D2 if he dry humped C-3PO’s leg whenever he wasn’t stuck in the back of Luke’s X-Wing? Would HAL-9000 be as chilling if he was mad at Dave for not answering fast enough when HAL asked, “What are you thinking about?” Would Ben Stein have a career if he could change the inflection in his voice to anything other than a dull monotone? NO! That is why we love them and all other robots like them, and why I hate WALL-E.

1. The Dark Knight

Maybe I’m crazy, but I’m getting tired of all this moral ambiguity with superheroes. When Batman punches the Joker, I want to see a colorful explosion with POW! or WHAM! written in it, not debate the morality of justice or how America’s fears have changed since 9/11. The same thing goes for you, Iron Man. I don’t go see a movie about a man in a giant missile suit to find out about the true effects of the American military complex on the rest of the world. I want to see stuff blow up. Period.

- Mister Kyle Chorpening