In 1984, Oprah Winfrey became the host of a morning talk show that in less than a year became so popular that it was renamed The Oprah Winfrey Show. That means I have never lived in a world without Oprah on TV, but this is about to change. Last Friday Oprah announced that she will be ending the show next season. From a ridiculous interview with Tom Cruise to pulling a Radio Flyer wagon full of 67 pounds of fat that she lost, who knew a woman with misspelled Bible character’s name could go so far. Even worse, with Oprah not giving away cars, boosting book sales or starting new television shows, we may just fall back into a recession. But don’t fret middle aged housewives, there is some silver lining to this daytime storm cloud. Perhaps Chicagoans who used to devote their time to Oprah will now leave their homes and go see some great improv. And now maybe now she’ll finally have time to take us up on our Diplomat guest offer.

- Mister Harrison Brookie

Dear Jesus, We are already hungry for Turkey.

And cranberry sauce from a can.

Respectfully,

Mister Diplomat

I don’t want to brag, but today I opened the Mister Diplomat Facebook Fanpage where our “insights” are on the left. They check Fans, page hits, comments, photo views, and how many babies we’re responsible for.

Anyway, I opened it up and saw 3,500% post quality. WTF? And then I started to think about how awesome we are and did not doubt the logistics of that number for a second. It was not only possible – say it with me, “THREE THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED PERCENT POST QUALITY” – It’s been a long time coming. MrD has been operating at at least a 3,500% post quality since 2007 and it’s about time we were acknowledged for that.

I remember when we were just producing 1000% post quality. Those days were hard, but now thanks to Google Analytics and our own SEO tracker Mister Diplomatics, we’ve have seen a significant growth in traffic that should soon turn into a serious amount of web advertising. We’re starting slow, with flashy banner ads and animated gifs.

I know what you’re saying, “How can that be right?” Well, it’s all in the Mister Diplomatics. We not only know the IP address and the geographical region of the Facebook Fan, but we can even figure out what bedroom the hits came from.

Perfectly creepy for Diplomat.

If you’re not a Facebook Fan of MrD you really need to get on board. Now. Why? Don’t ask us how it works, but thanks to Mister Diplomatics we also know where everyone who’s NOT on our website is at any given time.

– Mister Zach Ward

Mister  Zach Ward has taken to working out. Why? So he can avoid the fate of chubby bunny. No, not the marshmallow game. He’d play that anytime. He wants to not be the average-height over-average-weight white guy on stage. You know the comedy type. Was it Abbott or Costello? Tall and lanky OR medium and well-endowed (not there!, in the gut). Anyway, he works out with Mister Paula Pazderka and has just started working out with a DSI student (and local muscleman) Rajeev Rajendran.

Here are two of his ZW Works Out clips. New series coming to Facebook and Youtube from the Elliptical machines at Carolina Fitness (Carrboro, NC). ZW clips are all shot with an HD Flip cam from the dash of the machine. Zach might talk about life, his workout progress, improv, comedy, producing festivals, running a small business or maybe he’ll just do sweaty bits. But guaranteed, it’ll be funny to watch.

more later.

– Mister Diplomat

Dear Patrick Swayze,

Wherever you are now I want to thank you for ALL you did… In RED DAWN. What I know about Entrepreneurship and Self-reliance I learned from watching your Leadership of America’s Youth fighting against ALL odds.

And for my friend Andy, Red Dawn was surprisingly relevant for Geography?

5 HIGH SCHOOL MISCONCEPTIONS - Mister Andy Lavender

#5 Patrick Swayze saved us from the Russians.

My geography teacher was a lazy asshole who would get out of teaching by showing tangentially relevant movies. So, instead of learning about Russia or the Cold War in Unit 4, we watched Red Dawn instead. In this propaganda-meets-Road House period piece, Patrick Swayze and Charlie Sheen fight the Russians, who have invaded and largely occupied the United States in the late 80’s. Part of me wishes that this had happened, as I would be one step closer to a lifelong dream: living in a country where Patrick Swayze is on the currency.

So wherever you are now, thank you.

And thank you for taking baby out of the corner so a generation of girls had something to talk about. Thank you for showing Johnny Utah that a man with a dream only needed good timing, loyal friends and a president’s mask to rob banks and finance an endless summer. Thank you for speaking through Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost, which was funny enough, but your pottery scene inspired more comedic parodies than I can count. And some that I’m ashamed to admit watching.

But most of all, thanks for being Patrick Swayze.

- Mister Zach Ward