KEVIN LAUE: New York’s Next Basketball Star

Watch out, Dwight Howard. You may think you’re on top of the world after beating the Cavs and making it to the NBA Finals this week, but your moment in the sun is about to be over. 

The future of basketball is here and his name is Kevin Laue.  Laue just signed with Manhattan College (Go Jaspers!) to lead their program to dominate the Metro Atlantic Athletic Conference (The MAAC:  If you’re a college in a city and aren’t already in the ACC, PLEASE JOIN OUR CONFERENCE!  WE NEED MORE SCHOOLS!).  But Kevin Laue isn’t going to lead his team with that old, slow, weak style of basketball that the dinosaurs of the NBA like Howard and Kobe Bryant play.  That clumsy, two-handed game that’s been infuriating basketball fans for the last 40 years. 

No, Kevin Laue plays basketball with ONE HAND.

You heard me right.  ONE EFFING HAND.  Kevin Laue was born with a normal right arm and a left arm that ends just past the elbow.  This 6-foot-10 kid from California spent the last year putting up 10 points and five rebounds a game against Division I prospects, many to all of whom had both of their hands with which they could use to dribble, shoot, and pass the basketball with.

What's the Emmy for Jerry? CSI: NY or Cold Case?

I can’t wait to see Laue’s first game.  I love this kid.  BUT, I must say that I think there is an ulterior motive to his recruitment.  I know Manhattan coach Barry Rohrssen (Dad, are you sure our last name isn’t supposed to have more vowels in it?) didn’t sign him for his great post game, but beacuse of a secret under the table deal with Jerry Bruckheimer.  Yes, THE Jerry Bruckheimer, producer of blockbuster hits Armageddon, Pirates of the Carribean, and the sure to be hit G-Force (Trained spy-guinea pigs fighting billionaire industrialist and FBI interferance.  It’s just what this country needs right now).  He also produced Remember the Titans and Glory Road, and this is just his way of making sure Hand Check: The Kevin Laue Story is his next 100 million-dollar sports movie.

I can plot out the movie in my head.  Mr. and Mrs. Laue are rushing to the hospital, sweat pouring down the mother’s face as they go through whatever new age breathing technique was popular in 1991.  The dad is reassuring her, but she looks into his eyes and says, “Dale (I don’t know his dad’s name so I’m guessing it’s Dale), something’s not right.”  She gives birth and the nurses gasp in shock, then the doctor presents the tiny one-armed baby to his mother, and she says, “We’ll name him…Kevin.”  Cue title and a montage of pictures of Kevin as a kid learning to adapt to his disability and more happy images.

We see him mocked in high school at first, getting called Captain Hook or Dr. Kimble (Get it?  A Fugitive reference.  I love that movie!).  Stuff happens, he plays basketball, then he meets an inspirational coach who sees in him, we meet the kooky characters Kevin has to lead, more basketball gets played, and then somehow the team makes it to the conference finals.  With a trip to the Big Dance on the line, Kevin has to lead this rough and tumble team against the dirtiest team in the conference (The MAAC: Play dirty.  We dont care.  WE NEED MORE SCHOOLS!).  The game goes back and forth, basketball happens, and then it’s 10 seconds left and the Jaspers have the ball, down by one.  Coach Rohrssen draws up a play for the point guard to take the last shot.  They run theplay and the guard blows his knee out, tears his ACL, sprains his ankle, or gets a concussion instantly.  All he has time to do is see Kevin and throw the ball up for an alley oop.  Kevin goes up but the guy defending him grabs his hand, no chance of him getting it, but then you see a close-up of the ball and the end of his handless left arm go up and tip the ball in to win the game.  Everyone cheers, the audience cries and Bruckheimer laughs his way to the bank.

I may come off a little bit jaded, but I can’t wait to see this kid play. 

I just ordered my very own Jasper jersey and I will be ready in November to watch Manhattan hit the court. MAAC Basketball: Where amazing happens, and where WE NEED MORE SCHOOLS!

- Mister Kyle Chorpening

Save our Smut

Our nation’s most beloved industry needs help!

I'm with you Larry

Larry Flynt and Girls Gone Wild mastermind Joe Francis have officially petitioned Congress for a $5 billion bailout to save the adult entertainment industry. To this, I say, “What took so long?” For months, I’ve seen an endless parade of CEOs for banks and car makers and investment firms and dairy plants and ice cream stores and who knows what else whining to the Senate about how they “need a bailout” and the economy “can’t support them”. Finally, an important industry is sucking up their pride (BOOM!) and asking Congress for the money they so desperately need to stay afloat and I applaud them for it.

I’ve been against all these bailouts from the get go, but now, I’ve found a cause to champion for. Banks and car companies have been given billions of dollars to do what? I sure as hell don’t know. But if the adult film industry gets $5 billion, I know exactly where that’s going. It’s going to pay for people to have sex in front of a camera. It’s going to pay for the boom microphone operator who moonlights as a night watchman in a parking garage. It’s going to pay for the editor who stays up until 4 or 5 in the morning splicing together footage of 18-year-olds making mistakes that will live with them for the rest of their lives.

Does she know about Bustyz, Alan?

Plus, is there anything we need more in these times of turmoil and uncertainty than porn? NO! If anything, we need more. Why do you think bankers were jumping off of skyscrapers and throwing themselves into traffic during the Great Depression? They didn’t have a regular outlet for sexual frustrations and needs. That coupled with a horrible economy is a textbook cause for ending it all. The first thing I do when I see the DOW drop 700 points is pull out my latest Hustler and work out my feelings. The only reason Alan Greenspan is still alive and breathing is his subscription to Bustyz.com.

Please, Congress. Save these proud men and women. In these trying times, a little bit of charity can do a world of difference. Also, think about what this will do for your image. Any potential Larry Craigs can mask any toe-tapping inproprieties by putting their name on this bill early and often. Think it over. For the children.

- Mister Kyle Chorpening

Thank God for Philadelphia

I like your ideas on paper, James. I just have issue with your methodology.

I want to take a break from the busy holiday season, and pay homage to one of our nation’s greatest cities: Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. First, it gave us the Liberty Bell whose cracked tone signaled America’s freedom. Then, it gave us Rocky, an icon and a symbol of America’s unbeatable spirit. Recently, the Phillies crushed the upstart Devil Rays, but on Christmas, Philadelphia was the site of a victory of even greater magnitude.

Behold, James Joseph Cialella Jr.

This guy shot a man in front of his family for talking during The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. On Christmas. IN FRONT OF HIS FAMILY! I hate people talking or answering their cell phones in the middle of a movie as much, if not more, than the next guy, but man. That takes guts, and commitment. And a gun.

What’s really amazing to me is that this happened at a showing of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Was Mr. Cialella Jr. so wound up at the haunting tale of mortality that he needed to express his emotions through violence, or was he just bored at having to sit through a 2 hour and 48 minute movie and shot a guy just to break up the monotony? I mean, I could see this happening at a screening of Frost/Nixon or Marley & Me, but Benjamin Button doesn’t strike me as the type of movie you even bring a gun to.

So I’d like to send this message to you, Mr. Cialella Jr.:

We’ve all been there Jimmy. Can I call you Jimmy? Either way. I totally support punishing people who interrupt movies. I just think corporal punishment wasn’t the right way to go. I like your spirit, but I just can’t agree with your choice of action. I truly hope you have a Happy New Year in lock up.

- Mister Kyle Chorpening

5 Worst Movies of 2008

Hello Diplo-Fans!

It’s your unofficial Mister Diplomat Film and TV expert, Kyle Chorpening. Now, I know 2008 has been a banner year with hits like Beverly Hills Chihuahua and Twilight burning up at the box office, but all has not been well in the state of celluloid. That’s why I’m here with my first annual wrap up of the worst offerings Hollywood crapped out onto the multiplexes.

5. Slumdog Millionaire

A street urchin goes through a lifetime of adventures and escapades that leads him to his country’s version of Who Wants To Be a Millionaire because it’s the only way he can show the love of his life that he truly loves her. I liked it better the first time I saw and it was called Oliver Twist. Is it too much to ask for something original? Come on Tinseltown.

Et tu Robert?

4. Tropic Thunder

This is by far the most despicable movie I have ever seen. It is offensive to the mentally handicapped, african-americans, actors, veterans, the Hollywood elite, children, animal trainers, bears on motorcycles, the automotive industry, candy stripers, dead journalists, the Jonas Brothers, mothers between the ages of 35 and 38, werewolves, terrorists, and, most of all, me. You should be ashamed of yourself Ben Stiller.

3. Milk

Now, don’t get up in arms over this pick. I think Milk is a wonderful and insightful biopic on the great Harvey Milk. My problem with this film is the title. If I see a movie called Milk, it better be about the life and times of one Louis Pasteur. Pasteurization is one of the greatest breakthroughs of the last 300 years and gave me my best defense against early onset osteoporosis. If you’re going to make a movie about Harvey Milk, just call it Harvey and avoid all of this needless confusion.

Put that damn Rubik's Cube down and do what you were created for.

2. WALL-E

Any movie about a robot that falls in love is preposterous. ROBOTS CAN’T LOVE!! If they could love, they’d be androids. I don’t understand why no one else cares about this. Not being able to love is what makes robots so charming and different. Would I still love R2-D2 if he dry humped C-3PO’s leg whenever he wasn’t stuck in the back of Luke’s X-Wing? Would HAL-9000 be as chilling if he was mad at Dave for not answering fast enough when HAL asked, “What are you thinking about?” Would Ben Stein have a career if he could change the inflection in his voice to anything other than a dull monotone? NO! That is why we love them and all other robots like them, and why I hate WALL-E.

1. The Dark Knight

Maybe I’m crazy, but I’m getting tired of all this moral ambiguity with superheroes. When Batman punches the Joker, I want to see a colorful explosion with POW! or WHAM! written in it, not debate the morality of justice or how America’s fears have changed since 9/11. The same thing goes for you, Iron Man. I don’t go see a movie about a man in a giant missile suit to find out about the true effects of the American military complex on the rest of the world. I want to see stuff blow up. Period.

- Mister Kyle Chorpening