Fantasy Creepy Uncle League

It’s well into this year’s baseball season, and any fan worth her salt is deeply involved with a fantasy baseball league of sorts, presumably to give added incentive to follow a game where most of the time is spent watching a pitcher work through a before-pitch twitch-and-scratch routine borne of years of athletic neuroses.  But there is something truly compelling about assembling a whole out of a bunch of parts to make something truly spectacular.  That’s why I invite you all to join my own Fantasy Creepy Uncle League, where participants each try to combine elements of the truly creepy to form a relative worth hiding from.  Below is my submission:

Nicholas Cage – Hairline.

Early appearances of Nicholas Cage’s hairline in such films as Raising Arizona declared to world, “Here be a balding man.”  Yet, possibly through a combination of advanced CGI and spray-on hair, Nicholas Cage’s hairline has stood strong, with hairstyles from the more recent The Wicker Man and National Treasure: Book of Secrets forming a veritable carnival of horrors.

Keith David – Mouth.

As a whole, Keith David is an exemplar of bad assitude.  But the combination of his voice and a closeup of his mouth in a memorable scene in Requiem for a Dream is enough to make cute puppies explode.

Walter Mathau – Jowls.

The Mathau jowl-to-face ratio necessitates a pie chart.

David Lynch – Basement projects.

Any mention of a basement project from an uncle is enough to make said relative creepier than the cold that follows death, but if that project involves assembling a deformed baby out of a calf corpse, it is acceptable to cut off your own hands to avoid helping out.

Robin Williams – Tendency to engage in Robin Williams-esque humor.

The typical creepy uncle’s attempts at humor would probably not be as frightening if his comedy idol was not a coked-out furry leprechaun with a penchant for funny voices.

Charlie Sheen – Sex life.

A lot of people are happy to assume that their uncles blow inordinate portions of their salaries on LA hookers.  But having this confirmed by a high profile media explosion in the early nineties is a little too much.

Andrew Jackson – Streak of racial bigotry/compulsion to invade Florida.

Your uncle may have made that awkward comment last Christmas about how Chinese people drive, but at least he didn’t sign into law the Trail of Tears, though his insistence to spend next Christmas in Orlando is atrocious in its own right.

-Mister Andy Lavender

While I’m on the subject of God…

While I’m on the subject of God. My last post talked about a crazy church experience I had not long ago.  This hasn’t happened, yet.  But, when it does I am sure to dance a little jig of joy.

Three men went to their seats at a Carolina football game last year and there were a couple of nuns sitting in front of them.  The men wanted to drink their beers and swear at the referees and not bother with the nuns, so they decided to be mean and get them to move. The first guy says, “I wish I lived in VA there’s only 100 Catholics there.”  The second guy boasts, “I wish I lived in GA there’s only 50 Catholics there.”  The third guy chimes in, “I wish I lived in FL there’s only 25 Catholics living there…”

Frustrated, one of the nuns turned around and yelled, “Why don’t you ALL just Go to HELL?  There aren’t any Catholics there.” Enjoy your Tuesday.

-Mister Joe Jones

* joke care of my Uncle Tony

Dave Matthews taught me how to.

That’s it. I could take time and go into exhaustive detail about ALL the things Dave taught me, but let’s be honest, I’m too busy. And so are you. He simply taught me how to. And he taught you too. Whether you realize it or not. I have a copy of an acoustic show with Dave Matthews & Tim Reynolds at Converse College (1997) for the person with the best DMB story. Being that this should be a comedy blog, this could be seen as a joke. It is not.

- Mister Zach Ward

Conversations With David Sedaris

 

“David Sedaris,” I’d begin, “as I live and breathe.”

 

            David would smile patiently and gesture with his tiny man hands for me to sit. “Mister Paula Pazderka,” he’d say, “as I live and breathe.”  We’d both chuckle at that and although Open Eye Café in Carrboro doesn’t have a wait staff, a waiter would come by and plop a large ice coffee down in front of me with 2 Splendas, a significant amount of half and half and a bit of sugar.  The waiter would curtsy, his black fingernails shining.

 

           “You may not know this David, but I want to be you,” I’d pause dramatically just to be cute. “Not that I want to be a middle aged gay man, no not that, at all.”  Catching myself, I’d attempt to correct it.  “Not that I wouldn’t, I mean I’m sure it is fabulous. Absolutely fabulous! I love gay people. I used to hope one of my brothers were gay to make my family more interesting.”

 

 

*   *   *

 

 

“David Sedaris,” I’d begin, ”Isn’t always kind of awkward to meet someone you admire?” I’d chuckle and he’d nod.   “You want to be clever and funny, but also yourself.”  He’d nod.  “Yeah, it could get real awkward… real awkward… really really awkward.  Yep.  And weird.  Have you ever heard the joke about two muffins in the oven?  And one muffin turns to the other muffin and says, ‘Boy it is hot in here.”  And the other muffin says, ‘Holy Shit, a talking muffin!’  Heh! That joke still makes me laugh.  Yeah awkward… real awkward… really really awkward.

 

*    *     *

 

“David Sedaris,” I’d begin, “did you know I’m doing the reverse of you?  I now live in Raleigh, after moving from Chicago and going to the ‘Tute,” I’d pause.  “That’s what I call the Art Institute of Chicago.”  I’d stop because that is the extent of my reversing.  David, a clever man, would assume there was more.

 

 

“And you were born?” He’d ask.

 

 

“Omaha.” 

 

He’d look confused and search how this could possibly be in France.  I would sit by quietly not able to help.

 

 

“Beach?”

 

 

“No, Nebraska.”

 

*   *   *

 

 

“David Sedaris,” I’d begin, “you look lovely in that long sleeved blue button down – although it is 98 degrees in here.”

 

 

*   *   *

 

“David Sedaris,” I’d begin. “I read your latest book When You Are Engulfed In Flames and no one since Spinal Tap has made death so funny and explosive.  He’d smile.  “Thank you for being funny,” I’d say and walk away.  When I reached the door I’d say, “For what it is worth you don’t dress like a hobo.”

 

 

- Mister Paula Pazderka

 

Why I love the Black Church…

Why I love the Black Church (or more accurately Pentecostal churches).

 

Occasionally I preach at churches and speak at Christian Schools from many differing denominations, all across the country. I cannot find the words to how funny some of the things I’ve seen Christians do. Just a few days ago, I witnessed the worst rendition of Amazing Grace I have ever seen. The old woman singing did not know the words, she stopped and restarted several times, and it lasted at least a good 13 mins. I was so mad no one had filmed this fiasco – and then I saw this video and I felt better. This is not the church I was at, but at least you can get the full feeling of why “So You Think You Can Sing” is not a bad idea.

 

-Mister Joe Jones