Red Dawn changed my life.

Dear Patrick Swayze,

Wherever you are now I want to thank you for ALL you did… In RED DAWN. What I know about Entrepreneurship and Self-reliance I learned from watching your Leadership of America’s Youth fighting against ALL odds.

And for my friend Andy, Red Dawn was surprisingly relevant for Geography?

5 HIGH SCHOOL MISCONCEPTIONS - Mister Andy Lavender

#5 Patrick Swayze saved us from the Russians.

My geography teacher was a lazy asshole who would get out of teaching by showing tangentially relevant movies. So, instead of learning about Russia or the Cold War in Unit 4, we watched Red Dawn instead. In this propaganda-meets-Road House period piece, Patrick Swayze and Charlie Sheen fight the Russians, who have invaded and largely occupied the United States in the late 80’s. Part of me wishes that this had happened, as I would be one step closer to a lifelong dream: living in a country where Patrick Swayze is on the currency.

So wherever you are now, thank you.

And thank you for taking baby out of the corner so a generation of girls had something to talk about. Thank you for showing Johnny Utah that a man with a dream only needed good timing, loyal friends and a president’s mask to rob banks and finance an endless summer. Thank you for speaking through Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost, which was funny enough, but your pottery scene inspired more comedic parodies than I can count. And some that I’m ashamed to admit watching.

But most of all, thanks for being Patrick Swayze.

- Mister Zach Ward

Hardee’s Hole Lotta Love.

Hardee’s (wikipedia) — You have done it!

You have lowered the marketing bar and used the timeless “gross-out” technique in an attempt to stir my hunger. I wish I could count the number of times I have awoken next to my beautiful wife, looked at her and thought Is this going to be an A-hole or B-hole kind of morning?

Oh wait, I can do that… ZERO!  That has never happened.

Yeah, yeah it’s funny to hear someone say that A-holes taste funny and are small and nasty.  I’ll admit I laughed at B-holes being tasty and flavorful and the dude saying he’s a B-hole kinda guy. However, my next reaction was not “Let’s eat”. Those adjectives aren’t setting my taste buds a flame for any type of holes. There’s a whole marketing campaign around naming these things. You can go to NameOurHoles.com and suggest names. Some of the funnier ones: Goody Balls, Hole Munchers, Sweet Balls, Iced B-Holes, Cinnanuts, and my personal favorite… Glory Holes. Again, HI-larious but it sounds more like what you would find browsing the culinary section of the adult film store. What’s next… pinch a Loaf chocolate banana bread???

Ewwwww.

- Mister Jeremy McDonald

Train Station (or Jesus Cuss Log)

Enjoy our cut away scenes from the platform.

We are not taking the train to New York tomorrow for the 11th Annual DEL CLOSE MARATHON (Twitter Hashtag: #DCM11). We are flying airplanes, not flying, taking them, although some of our North Carolina compatriots would say we’re taking a handbasket, all the way to HELL. Why? Because in this MrD clip Jesus says, “Fuck.”

And it was funny.

Last year, Mister Andy Lavender predicted the potential DCM Schedule fallout with a challenge: Can you survive the 49 and 1/2 hour Improv Gauntlet? For 2009, the marathon got longer by 4 and 1/2 hours! And Diplomat got scheduled on Friday 8/14 (a SWEET Midnight slot on the Hudson Guild stage) so you don’t have a Half-way marker, but you can start the Marathon off right.

See you in New York.

- Mister Zach Ward

A Twitter Apology to Doug Benson

Dear Doug Benson,

I apologize for what appears to be me co-opting a joke you published on Twitter while at Comic-Con. I was tired on Thursday morning, checking out tweets from the night before and re-tweeted one of your posts because I thought it was very funny.

I would never knowingly harm this comic.

I accidentally deleted part of the tweet while adding some Hash.

Tags, I meant Hashtags, #hashtags. Maybe if I had been adding some Hash to my morning routine, my mistake would make sense. But my lack of Twitter etiquette is unacceptable. I typed from memory what I deleted, what I thought was “(And chafing.)”, placing parantheses where there were none before. And by doing that I seem to imply that I made the chafing joke. I did not.

For the record our Twitter timeline today.

7:47am PST @DougBenson: Don’t forget Comic-Con attendees, with a great costume comes great responsibility. And chafing.

8:51am PST @zachward: RT @DougBenson: Don’t forget Comic-Con attendees, with a great costume comes great responsibility. (And chafing.) #stanlee #cc09

9:04am, DM from @DougBenson: By adding parentheses, it looks like you added the chafing part. Which you didn’t. I’m just saying. :)

I know you were just saying, but I wanted to apologize. With greater connectivity comes great responsibility and I have certainly fail whaled. I would have replied by Direct Message, but you’re not following me on Twitter. That’s okay. I’m not mad.

I’m sorry. 

I’m a fan of Spider Man, Stan Lee and Yours.

- Mister Zach Ward

Just a little somethin’

This thread about Tennessee allowing guns in bars is pretty great in its own right, but I love this quote:

“We put the signs up,” he said, “but I don’t want to be quoted at all.”

Don’t you see!  He didn’t want to be quoted!  Screw context!  Never mind the first part of the sentence!  He didn’t want to be quoted “at all,” and here he is being quoted about not being quoted!

Wha-ha-ha!  Fuck you, anonymous guy!  You got quoted!  By the New York Fucking Times!  Smack!

- Mister Andy Lavender