Letter to Santa, PLEASE watch the carpet

Guest post from Comedian and former Diplomat Greg Brainos

A LETTER TO SANTA FROM A CONCERNED HOMEMAKER

Dear Santa,

I just wanted to make you aware that, for the seventh year in a row, the key to our house will be under the front door’s welcome mat, so it will be unnecessary for you to keep entering our residence via chimney.  It’s certainly an impressive feat, but you have nothing left to prove to us.  Especially when the result of that accomplishment is you mashing soot all over the beige carpet.  I beg of you, just use the spare key.  It’s not traditional, I know, but tradition ends where my new carpet begins.

Also, please stop bringing my children puppies for Christmas.  They’re allergic, so when we take the puppies to the animal shelter, I can’t tell if my kids are crying as a result of an allergic reaction or because their tiny hearts have been shattered into even tinier pieces.

Once you are finished placing presents underneath the tree, feel free to sit at the kitchen table and enjoy a plate of homemade chocolate chip cookies and a glass of milk.  Should you eat all the cookies, please do not start rummaging through our cupboards; it’s noisy and rude.  I’m sure the next house will be gracious enough to provide some form of sustenance.

Lastly, you should not, under ANY circumstances, use our bathroom facilities.  Not for number one, not for number two, and especially not to “release some tension.”

Respectfully yours,

Anne Marie Hollingsworth

Neither rain, nor sleet, nor FROZEN RIVER, nor lack of uniform…

This Holiday Season the US Postal Service works harder than ever to keep market demand for delivery under control. FROZEN RIVER BE DAMNED! And uniforms just slow these old postal workers down. Maybe the new “NUDE” look works for safety issues. Nowhere to hide the gun? Although, due to shrinkage, does that mean some postal workers are hiding a “CONCEALED” weapon?

More news, as its delivered.

— Mister Zach Ward

Blogging Under the Influence

Earlier this month the state of North Carolina banned texting while driving. Not just phones, but laptops are also not allowed while behind the wheel of a moving vehicle. I know what you’re thinking, what am I going to do with the Steering Wheel Desk I wanted for Christmas?
Well you’re not the only one excited about this new gift. Here are some of the reviews:

My copilot and I both used these during our “daily grind” transcontinental flights from San Diego to Minneapolis. We had to modify them a bit to fit snug against the instrument panels (when we bought them we didn’t realize the planes we fly don’t have steering wheels!), but in the end it did the job. With our laptops firmly in place we were able to focus our attention on what really mattered, participating in raids with our WoW clan. During our last flight we were so immersed in trying to take down Eranikus that we overshot Minneapolis by a full hour and a half before some annoying flight attendant interrupted us, babbling something about “FAA and F16 fighters.”

Here’s another that as a teacher I was especially happy about:

My 16 year old daughter just got her license a few weeks ago. Since then, she’s been going out for drives a lot after school. Unfortunately, all the time spent in the car for her has meant less time for homework. Her grades have noticeably slipped, but instead of taking away her car privileges, I bought this steering wheel desk. It’s perfect for young drivers with heavy academic loads! Now she can work on her homework and still be out driving, improving her road skills and staying on top of her grades. I couldn’t be prouder and would encourage all parents with new drivers to set their kids up with this super-portable work station!

I loved the product so much I got one myself. In fact, I’m using it right now to post this and let me tell you, it’s a huge time sav

- Mister Harrison Brookie

Jones’ Big Ass Truck Rental and Storage

A commercial about a man who will store ANYTHING in his storage facility for $10.99/month. Make an offer and he’ll definitely try to beat it.

Funny stuff. MrD approves.

- Mister Diplomat

R Kelly’s Untitled

Every once in a while something truly extraordinary happens that makes comedians extremely happy.   It happened this week.  R Kelly released his latest album called “Untitled“.   Isn’t this basically begging us to name it for him?  

1.  For this one I didn’t even have to try.  I just looked for inspiration within the album itself.   Clearly the perfect title is right there, and it is the title of one the album’s singles.   Call the album “Number One“.

2.  Again, I looked at the album songs and found yet another totally appropriate title.  This time it was the UK bonus track, “Fallin’ from the Sky“.  I’m beginning to think R might be messing with us a little.

3. Last one from looking at the album.  Call it “B my # 2“.

4. This one was a little more challenging, but I just thought about the man’s work, his legacy.  Call it, “Trapped in the Closet, Minor in D“.

5. This one might be off the beat and path, but I think it captures this album’s essence and some of his more notable works, call it  “Ur in 2 me“.

- Mister Paula Pazderka